Empathi with Figs

“Be persistent, but skillful.” - Wise and simple words from this week’s episode on broaching the subject of couples counseling with a hesitant or resistant partner. Clients often ask Figs this important question when initially reaching out. With their signature humor, honesty, and insight, Teale and Figs together provide actionable and realistic ways to gently work with reluctant partners.

The three important “sales” tips highlighted:

1. Don’t try and sell your partner on the idea of going through a big process. Just get yes to one session!
2. Don’t buy it back.
3. Find someone your partner will resonate with. Match personalities. It’s important to feel safe in the room.

There are many false notions about therapy and reservations about seeking out help in our society.  “Help” can even be a really tough and triggering word for some people. Teale even admits using going to therapy as a “threat.” She goes on to explain that couples in conflict are experiencing an “us problem” not a “you vs me” problem. She empathizes that people might even get scared or feel shameful at the idea of seeing a therapist. This is totally normal.

Tune in this week hear about the record Figs is most proud of to date!! (Hint: it might involve sweating bullets) and the three things to pay attention to in a fight. And a final caution for listeners: No couples therapy is better than bad couples therapy!

Figs returns with his third installment of the “Who Are You in Love Series”. This time, he is joined by couple “Ben and Jen” and their 4 week old baby in arms.  Together they vulnerably open up to the deep and important questions about love.

“Is there a moment that stands out for you when you felt really connected and in love?”

Figs reminds all of us that each one of those moments is a “strengthening and increasing of togetherness” and that “even the best relationships have moments of disconnection.”

In love, Figs urges his listeners and guests to try to understand the realities of what’s happening deep down inside of us, instead of trying not to hurt each other’s feelings. Because when it comes to love, we’re still little babies. And we have to recognize that little child in all of us.

“Who Are You in Love” is a recurring interview series in the Empathi with Figs podcast that features a variety of real people sharing their stories of love, conflict, and repair. With humor, compassion and authenticity, Figs and his guests dive deeply together into the struggles and joys of navigating relationship and conflict all while highlighting our universal need for love and connection. If you’d like to be interviewed, or have someone you think would be great for the show please email Figs.

Figs and Teale are 10 days past their due date, anxiously awaiting the home birth of their second child, Kian. Together they share their vulnerabilities and experiences during this time while also waiting for their favorite San Francisco Friday night treat- Ramen!  

As couples therapists, they recognize that during times of stress or conflict, people in relationship have to trust the process. Figs often reminds himself and clients alike that “you can relax now because you’re held by a process.” Of course this is always easier said than done. Teale admits: “I wish I was immersed in the trust the process sauna.”

This short, impromptu podcast filmed on the San Francisco sidewalk is full of honesty, humor and openness.  Listen for important reminders of connection, Figs’ Irish accent,  and find out what sexy time at 41 weeks looks like for the loving couple.

Stay tuned for next week’s episodes where Figs and Teale will both share their birthing story.

Today’s episode highlights the important and final pre-birth check in with Figs and his pregnant wife Teale. As a follow up to their first pre-birth episode (released 5/23/2017), the two sit down together one last time to share and understand each other’s most vulnerable, lovable parts related to this important event.  This time, Figs is in the hot seat answering the questions!

1. What are the feelings and thoughts that come up for you (around labor and birth)?
2. What is it that you can do for yourself?
3. What can I as your partner do for you to be there for you?

Remember, these questions can be used in any major relationship issue or event.

 Figs sits down with his pregnant wife, Teale (due in 3-5 weeks!) and together they share a special, intimate chat to prepare for the birth of their second child, Kian!

Figs asks Teale three questions. These can be applied to any major relationship debate, thought, fear, or issue:

• What are your longings fears, thoughts, excitements?

• What can you do to support yourself if any of the fears or thoughts that are difficult come up?

• What can I do to support you?

The task is: Can you take 30 minutes with your partner, take turns and answer these questions and really listen to each other?  

Just as Teale experienced in her emotional and beautiful sharing, you might notice that your vulnerable parts show up. Take this as an opportunity to really show some empathy for yourself and your partner. Figs provides an important reminder: that everybody has an outrageous place, where they don’t feel so loveable. So give yourself permission to have impulses and reactions and recognize the resource you have inside and outside yourself. Together these places are you and your partner's medicine.  Maybe you too can discover your partner as a resource you can turn to when you are most in need of support.

Check out Fig’s article, A Father’s Grace, which he wrote about the experience of the birth of their daughter, Grace.