Empowered by Darkness

• How I came to forget the majority of my childhood alongside my father and why this happens to many children who undergo trauma
• Growing up sensitive and empathetic in a home environment that was unpredictable
• Understanding the motivations behind my parents’ actions by observing their own dysfunctional upbringings in Mexico
• Living in Compton with parents who worked factory jobs, we struggled financially
• Emotional and verbal abuse in the home; domestic violence; constant threats and gaslighting of our calls for change; walking on eggshells; dissociation
• Achievement as a coping mechanism and the collapse of this in college, led to crippling impostor syndrome
• Inability to find a pathway after graduating from college

Do you find yourself in a state of uncomfortable loneliness? What I mean by this is that on the path to bettering yourself, have you been thrust upon a season of being distanced from friendships and relationships? You may be battling inner feelings of resentment and confusion as to why you must go about healing alone. In this episode, I break down why this resistance exists and how we can acknowledge it in order to keep adding layers to our transformation.

If you find that you’re not yet in this reality of being detached from connections, this episode is a great introduction to some of the concerns and worries that usually go into choosing this avenue. We also talk about how the intention behind our purposeful solitude determines what we get from it.

This may be one of my favorite episodes up to date because almost everyone encounters loneliness when they decide to turn their life around and start pursuing what matters to them. We don't have to view being alone as a negative thing; in fact, it's actually the very thing that propels us into a freer chapter. It is during this time that we discover we are everything we've been searching for.

…and why it’s more common than what you may think. Wanting someone to come in to save us from a difficult situation, emotion, or thought process is, in some ways, what our society has romanticized in media over the years. While one may not act upon this desire, having the need itself can tell us something about our relationship with ourselves. If there’s no real relationship, we can come to believe our hurting parts will only be seen in a way that brings just the right dosage of healing by someone else. A person can join us on our journey as a support system, but no one should have to bear the weight of being anybody’s savior unless it’s their decision to do so (which often comes from a wounded place, too). Join me on this episode to uncover how we can begin getting out of the deeply-rooted want of saving. I’ve been there many times before, and I can assure you that it’s possible. Often, the other side of having this conscious or unconscious need is a realization of what our true power and worth are.

In this first part of My Self-Hatred Journey, I dive deep into how being at odds with one’s looks is not shallow, but an actual wound that’s multilayered and destabilizing. I talk about what for me was the core of my concern with appearances: fearing not being good enough to be chosen, to be protected, to be cherished. The part of me that sought safety after years of being on edge and afraid came to associate being wanted by others as a way to achieve this. In this episode, I share with you what has worked for me and if you have also looked everywhere to find a way to switch out of this disempowering state, what I will share is personally not something I found in those places. I found it through my own path, hoping it will strike a chord at the level of the heart with my listeners.

This is an episode I wish I had growing up. Losing a father, no matter the way, leaves profound effects on the way we show up for ourselves and our relationships. I used to feel broken and misunderstood for repeating the same patterns of fearing abandonment, lacking self-esteem, viewing men as deceptive, engaging in sexual promiscuity, and being hyper-independent to the point of burnout. What I uncovered through choosing to look at my past was that although I lacked a father, healing gave me the choice to not lack a connection to myself. This is important because when we aren't connected to our innate worth, we spend our entire lives searching for the feeling of being seen in things and people.

Tune in to explore how the way you are treating yourself and showing up for your connections may be impacted by your father’s absence. Though it may be a triggering listen, I know it will be a catalyst for self-compassion and transformation. This conversation is a long one because it touches upon all of the parts of ourselves losing a father impacts.

Attachment Style Quiz:

https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/

Do you feel at the mercy of the uncomfortable parts inside of you? Perhaps it’s a fear of rejection, resentment toward loved ones, jealousy, overpowering grief, or insecurity that will not go away. When we sense the heaviness of these parts, we do things like suppress them through obligations, chase distractions, or get lost in unhealthy ways of coping. The parts seem like they’ve gone away but they haven’t gone anywhere. They actively influence how we view ourselves and others.

In this episode, I break down two personal life scenarios that showcase BEING DRIVEN by these dark aspects when there’s a lack of awareness, and DRIVING our actions once we meet ourselves deeply and choose to integrate the darkness in how we show up. By the time we get to this second scenario, you’ll see how you, too, can reclaim the uncomfortable emotions and narratives inside of you.

Tune in to the very first episode I recorded on this platform! Though my episodes are in no particular order, you'll want to listen to this one sooner rather than later because it will explain why looking at our darkness is the quickest way to create lasting change in our lives. Change that I can assure you everyone will notice.

In this short episode, I let you know why I talk about healing from an emotional standpoint and what you can expect from the Empowered by Darkness podcast! If you, like me, find that you don't have the resources to afford coaching or master classes to kickstart your up-leveling in every part of your life, this space is specially crafted for you.

New Episodes Every Monday, Uploaded Biweekly

In this episode, we get vulnerable and discuss how giving away our bodies makes us feel at a core level. In the pursuit of sexual freedom, do we find less liberation than we’d anticipated:

• Do you, like me, find yourself disregarding personal boundaries to please?

• Do you find yourself fulfilling someone else’s fantasy and no longer yours?

• Is there a part of you, no matter how remote, that feels there might be trauma stored in your body from having gone on with what didn’t feel right during a sexual encounter that looked fine on paper?

While it’s amazing that as women we can have the desire to experience a new confidence and freedom through exploring our sexual nature, it’s the motivation behind our approach that often dictates how we take care of our needs or not. Are we engaging in sex from a place of repressed pain, lack of self-worth, or anger with men? And, are we doing this without paying mind to how our bodies can become victims of sexual trauma unknowingly? This isn’t a comfortable conversation but it’s definitely a needed one—join me to hear more about my experience navigating these tough questions.

In this second part of My Self Hatred Journey, I talk all about hating the internal: one’s personality and capabilities. I especially go into talking about the difficult relationship I had with my sensitive nature, deeming it weak and unwanted in our society. I also have a conversation on impostor syndrome, something I suffered heavily from throughout my entire academic path. It wasn’t until I was accused of plagiarizing at my college that I was forced to face where this hatred for my unique voice stemmed from. My hope is that you’ll be surprised at how a simple mindset shift can begin altering these charged emotions toward one’s internal nature.

Whether you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough or that you're unworthy or underserving of being admired for your gifts, this episode is for you. I know of the critical voice inside one's head pointing out every flaw and belittling our best efforts. Tune in to a candid conversation on how we can begin understanding where this voice stems from and how we can silence it with a newfound respect for our personal story.