In today’s fast-paced world, the importance of a strong bond between fathers and daughters cannot be overstated. As highlighted in the recent episode of The Dad and Daughter Connection podcast featuring Martha Burich, nurturing these relationships is essential not only for personal development but also for fostering a sense of security and confidence in young women.

Dr. Christopher Lewis and Martha Burich delve into the complexities of father-daughter dynamics, emphasizing that fathers play a pivotal role in shaping their daughters’ perspectives on life and relationships. While mothers naturally receive recognition for their nurturing roles, Burich points out that fathers often don't get the accolades they deserve, despite being fundamental to their daughters’ emotional and psychological development.

Martha shares her personal story, detailing the challenges and triumphs within her own father-daughter relationship. Her father, affected by his experiences as a prisoner of war, faced demons that impacted their family life. Despite these challenges, Martha highlights moments of learning and tenderness, illustrating that love and kindness can coexist with imperfections.

A significant theme of the podcast is the idea that fathers must actively engage with their daughters to help them grow into resilient and independent women. This engagement includes encouraging daughters to fail and learn, breaking the cycle of needing perfection for validation. The podcast underscores the difference between praise and encouragement - with the latter focusing on effort and growth rather than outcome, fostering a mindset of persistence.

Discipline, another critical component of parenting discussed, is portrayed not as a harsh reality but as a foundation for building respect and boundaries. Children, Martha explains, need to learn the value of ‘no’ for long-term personal and societal benefits. Fathers, therefore, should strive to create environments where discipline is balanced with love, ensuring their daughters understand and respect boundaries while feeling supported.

Moreover, the power of everyday interactions is highlighted as being instrumental in shaping a child’s emotional well-being. Fathers are encouraged to engage in meaningful dialogue with their daughters, asking about their daily highs and lows to foster deeper connections. Listening, rather than always providing solutions, is presented as a tool for building trust and understanding.

Ultimately, the podcast serves as a reminder that being a present and engaged father isn’t about perfection—it's about authentic connection and consistent involvement. By focusing on these themes, fathers can better support their daughters in becoming confident, independent individuals prepared to face the world’s challenges.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]: Welcome to the dad and daughter connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]: If you're looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you're in the right place. I'm doctor Christopher Lewis, and the dad and daughter connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we'll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let's get started. Because being a great dad isn't just about being there, it's about truly connecting. Welcome back to the Dad and Daughter Connection. I am so excited that you are here this week. And as always, every week, I love being able to sit down, talk to you, work with you as you are working to create that strong connection with your daughter.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:09]: No matter where you are right now, there are always things that you can do to be able to build a stronger relationship, but also a stronger connection in general with your daughter. And that's what this show is all about. Every week, I wanna be able to offer you opportunities to be able to learn, to grow, to be able to identify new ways that you can create those strong bonds that are going to help you and your the relationship with your daughter as you continue on together. That's why every week I bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that can give you some perspective on this. And hopefully, at the end of every episode, you're gonna be having some some notes that you've taken, some things that you've thought about, some maybe brain explosions that allow for you to be able to say, hey, I haven't thought about it that way, but maybe I can think about things a little bit differently. Maybe I can do some things a little bit differently. This week, we've got another great guest with us. Martha Birch is with us.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:07]: And Martha is an author, a speaker. She's a behavioral change consultant. And she has a new book that is out called Yes, You Can Raise Happy Responsible Children. Now don't all of us want to raise happy, responsible children? I know that I definitely want my kids to be happy and responsible and would have loved to have had this when they were very young as well. So we're gonna be talking to her about not only her own experience as a daughter herself, but also talk about this new book with the resources that are in it that could help you with your relationship with your daughters. Martha, thanks so much for being here today.

Martha Burich [00:02:45]: Chris, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here. Your dads are so important. And, you know, it seems to be in our society today that dads don't get the accolades and they don't get their due because father daughter relationships are pivotal for positive adult male female relationships.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:03]: Definitely agree with you there. It is so important. I mean, there's so much research that's out there that shows that, and it is still important. I'm not negating the importance of the bond between the mother and the daughter, because that is crucial as well. But every study that I have seen out there, every study that I've read shows that daughters without a father that is actively engaged in their lives, it severely impacts their ability to be strong, independent individuals in society and definitely makes a difference. So, so I would love to start with delving a little bit deeper into your own relationship with your own father. And I know at the beginning we talked about the fact that your relationship was, I said, was it positive? Was it negative? Was it somewhere in between? And you said it was somewhere in between. So talk to me a little bit about that relationship.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:50]: And you said it was in between. Talk to me about that. What made it in between for you?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:55]: And and

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:55]: then we'll we'll go from there.

Martha Burich [00:03:56]: Well, my father was a prisoner of war of the Germans in World War two before I was born for two years, and that definitely skewed him. You know, he was a very, very nice man, a kind man. He he never yelled, but he was affected and it affected him. He became a very heavy drinker, but you could never tell. He he was never drunk. I guess maybe he was always drunk. I don't know. You can never tell.

Martha Burich [00:04:20]: But he he pretty much gambled and drank all the money away. And, on the one hand, you can't blame him because who when people go through experiences, we have no idea what he went through. But then on the other, you know, my mother would tell me stories of when I was very, very young and there was no food. We had no food because my dad drank and gambled at all. So he could be the kindest man in the world, but he was irresponsible in that way. So, yes, we had a bit of a rocky relationship. I I don't know. There was never any outright animosity or anything, but, you know, my parents divorced when I was about five.

Martha Burich [00:04:51]: So I didn't see my dad a lot, but I did see him about once a year. And I want to tell you a story. When I was about seven, my stepmother was a very heavy drinker. She was an alcoholic and a mean drunk. And I think I was seven or eight and she got mad at me for something. I I don't know what I did. So I went to bed and pretended to be sleeping. And my dad came home, and she just Martha this and Martha that and blah blah.

Martha Burich [00:05:13]: Just I guess I could do no right. And my dad looked at her and he said, Kathleen, she's eight years old. What could she possibly have done that that's bad? But, you know, that kinda tells who my dad was. He he really was a kind human being. And I remember another time we had a dog. Oh, this really touches me. He had a dog. We didn't have a dog at my mother's house, but dad had a dog.

Martha Burich [00:05:36]: And the dog threw up in the car one time, and dad was cleaning it. And I was very young, and I said, how can you do that? And he goes, when you love something, you take care of it. That just touches my heart because my dad really was a caring and loving man, but he had these demons I think that ran him a little bit and made him not as positive an influence as he could have been.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:56]: Now, you talked about those demons and some men have those, some fathers have those in their lives and they have to deal with those or if they don't, it's going to impact the relationships around them. As you and your father grew in your relationship as you got older and and he got older as well, talk to me about those demons and how or if you ever had an opportunity to talk through that with your father. And if not, what do you wish you would have talked to him about?

Martha Burich [00:06:28]: Yeah. No. We we never we never discussed it. I don't think he ever discussed it with anyone. I think that was something that he probably took to his grave. And, you know, my brother and I were were both talking about, you know, was our dad an alcoholic? Because he would drink a fifth a day, but he would be the same person all day long. A lot of people drink and they become mean or just unpleasant and silly. But my dad was the same person all day long, so we really don't know.

Martha Burich [00:06:53]: We think maybe he was just a heavy drinker, but that's a pretty heavy drinker. Let's talk about the importance of dads. And and, you know, for for my dad or for dads, if you have a drinking problem, it's time to get it get it solved because you're not helping your family or your children or society in general. So it really is time to take a look at yourself. I go to the jail every Monday and the treatment center every Wednesday, and I talk to the women, addicts and alcoholics. And, you know, a lot of them have mixed relationships with their parents, with their dad, with the men in their lives. They expect I think we become confused about relationships. What's the point of a relationship? To build a future together.

Martha Burich [00:07:29]: Not to constantly make one another feel good, but to build a future together. Where are we going with this? How do we want our children to behave? What do we wanna have in ten years, in twenty years? How are we gonna build that? But if we're constantly men do this and women do that, then we're wasting our time, really, basically. You know, that's another thing too. We're constantly looking for highs and pleasure, immediate pleasure. Well, then we're we're ruining our lives that way because if people who can't say no to themselves become people who are addicts, alcoholics, very unpleasant to be around. So we have to learn how to say no to ourselves and to our children. And I think that's part of what's happening in society today is children aren't hearing no the way they need to, and then they don't say no to themselves, and then everybody's miserable.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:13]: Now with that mixed relationship that you had with your dad, with the highs, the lows, and probably the in betweens as well, are there things that you wish that your dad had done differently when it came to building the relationship that you had?

Martha Burich [00:08:27]: Yes. You know, my dad was was a hunter, and he shot deer, you know, being here in Michigan. I wish he would have taken me hunting or things that he did with my brother that he he never did with me. You know, there's a picture of my brother when he was two standing on the bumper of a car while my dad's fixing it. My brother's got a little tool in his hand that he's gonna hand to my dad. Well, I didn't get to do that. I have a friend whose dad, she has four boys, but her dad taught her everything. She can tear down a car.

Martha Burich [00:08:55]: She can take the engine out of it and put it back together because her dad taught her how to finish furniture, how to do all that cool stuff, the kind of stuff that makes you feel competent and and useful. So that, I wish that he would have showed me how to do a lot more things than he did. I have another story. Let me tell you a story, Chris. I have a friend. He's got grandchildren, and this is about his grandson. Anyway, the grandson was about four, and he had one of those little, gas powered motorcycles. This is a real one.

Martha Burich [00:09:22]: And the kid's four, and I think it it went fast. Anyway, so he's toodling around, and dad and and, grandpa are watching the child out in the field with his little motorcycle. And he comes around, and he comes up to grandpa. And grandpa goes, you know, I don't think you're going fast enough. Would you like to go fast enough? Said no mother ever said no. And, you know, that's another reason why dads are so important because dads take you fishing. You see grandpa and the daughter with the you're fishing. Dads do all that kind of cool stuff, teach you how to fix things and do things.

Martha Burich [00:09:52]: And, you know, so it's really, really an important relationship. And another thing that, I wanted to you probably already know this. College, when parents take their children to colleges to look at them, it's usually dads and daughters, moms and sons. I heard this from a person who worked at a college who did the college days.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:10]: I have seen that, and that is an interesting dynamic that you don't always think about, but it is true. So, as you think back to the relationship that you had with your father throughout your life, how has that relationship that you had with your father influenced the way you navigate life, relationships, or challenges today?

Martha Burich [00:10:30]: Well, that's such an interesting question. My husband was a very nice man. He died in 02/2008, and, we were married twenty five years, and he was a gentle soul like my dad. I remember one time, his name was Tony. Tony and I were looking at our son, Anthony, when he was a baby. We used to have date night, I think, on Friday or Saturday night. We came home, and then we would watch look at Anthony in his room, in his little crib sleeping. And I remember one time, my husband looked at me and he said, I don't know what I would ever do if anything happened to this baby.

Martha Burich [00:10:57]: You know? And I just I just remember thinking what a tender heart he has.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:01]: Now if I know your your father has passed, and I guess if you look back now or if you could spend one more day with your dad and do anything, what would it look like?

Martha Burich [00:11:12]: That's really interesting. What would it look like? I guess I would just sit with him, ask him about his life. My brother and I are both confused because we believe our dad was adopted. There's there are no records, and I was looking back through genealogy. And we think he was adopted by his stepdad. But, see, we just had no relationship with his side of the family at all. So there are so many questions when it comes to our dad.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:37]: Now I mentioned at the beginning that you had, that you've put out a new book called Yes, You Can Raise Happy, Responsible Children. As an author myself, I know how much time and effort goes into the, and some blood, sweat, and tears go into the writing of these books to get great content out in front of the world. But, I guess, talk to me about the impetus and what made you decide that this book needed to be written and that you wanted to put it out into the world.

Martha Burich [00:12:09]: Well, that's a really great question. You know, my son's grown now, and he's successful. He has his own business. When he was four, he was just spoiled rotten. His dad and I, we thought the way that you raise a happy child is you always say yes. No. That didn't work too well. And I remember one day carrying him outside of a store because I finally learned to say no, and I meant it.

Martha Burich [00:12:28]: This time, I really meant it. And he was in shock. He was in shock. I had to carry him out of the store screaming and kicking and everything else because I had finally learned to say no and put my foot down and then took parenting classes. And in six weeks, we turned him around from being so spoiled that we really didn't like him very much. He was very unpleasant to a very cooperative, pleasant young man. As I said, he's he's successful now and he's grown. And everything that I learned there, I put in the book because and it's also the information that I used.

Martha Burich [00:12:57]: I was ten years as a child psychology professor and sixteen years as a high school special education teacher. And all the information that I put in the book are the same things that I used to communicate with my parents, with my students, and also with the ladies and the the people at the jail and the treatment centers. So, yes, it's only 60 pages and pretty much just tells you, here's what you do at the grocery store if the child won't behave. Here's what you do if they won't put their seat belt on. It's just boom, boom, boom. A quick read to help here's what you do to improve their, self esteem, to help to get you to the place where your children are cooperative and you're working together. Because so often as parents, our children don't realize that we're a unit. We're a family unit.

Martha Burich [00:13:36]: Family is the basis of society, and a happy family helps create a happy society. So our families, just like our partnerships, need to be what's our goal? Our goal is to build our family to be happy and healthy and to work together to help each other.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:51]: And I love books that are practical and be able and allow you to be able to take something right out of it and put it into into action right away. Now I know that in reading through your book, your book really emphasizes the importance of building self esteem in children. How can fathers specifically help their daughters develop confidence and resilience, especially in a world that often challenges their sense of worth?

Martha Burich [00:14:17]: Let them fail. Just you've got to encourage them to try everything and fail. Go after if you wanna if the daughter comes on here let me tell you this story. This is a typical one too. The child come home from school and go, they're having a play at school. They're having a play at school. I'm so excited. I'm gonna try out for the lead.

Martha Burich [00:14:34]: Oh, honey. Oh, I'm so glad they're having a play, but the lead, you might not get it. Why don't you try to be one of the frogs? You'll get that part. I bet you'll get that part. Already, we're teaching our children to not go after what they really want, to go after what they think they can get. This is how you get adults who go, you know, I I I probably won't get that job. I won't even try for it. I probably won't be able to, you know, that person would never date me.

Martha Burich [00:14:58]: I'm not even gonna try. So we have to teach our children to accept to, one, accept no for an answer, but also to realize that no is not the end. It's the beginning. So teach your children to never give up and to keep failing because the only way to win is to keep going up the steps along the way. But failure and hearing no, you know, if you got to if you have to practice it, no, no, no, no, no. Learn to take no and go next, next.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:25]: Now you also distinguish between praise and encouragement in your book. Can you share why this distinction matters and how fathers can use encouragement to build stronger, more authentic relationships with their daughters?

Martha Burich [00:15:40]: That's a really good question, Chris. Praise is, oh, you're the best, honey. Oh, yeah. You do that. You you do that really well. You're the best at that. Praise makes people feel superior, and there are places for it. But encouragement is, oh, you know, I like the way you did that.

Martha Burich [00:15:57]: You took your time. I see you really pay attention to detail. Encouragement is giving the specifics and saying, don't quit. Keep going. You know, oh my goodness. You're almost there at tying your shoes. You can almost do it. Wow.

Martha Burich [00:16:10]: You keep going. You don't give up. So encouragement is encouraging, keeping them moving. But pray praise. Wow. You're the greatest ball player. You're oh my goodness. You always hit them out of the park.

Martha Burich [00:16:20]: That makes people feel like the only way that they can get attention or love is if they're perfect or if they do something really well. Praise is like, oh my goodness, you got a hundred on that test or oh, then the child thinks that, well, I a hundred is what I have to get. So it's a fine distinction, but you have to be careful, especially and you don't wanna tell you're the best at this. You're the best. Out of 8,000,000,000 people in the world, who can be the best? You know what I mean? The best you're very good at this. You're one of the best, but the absolute best is a whole another story.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:51]: Now discipline is also often misunderstood. And in your book, you highlight some firm yet loving approaches. What advice do you have for fathers who want to set boundaries while still nurturing a deep trusting connection with their daughters?

Martha Burich [00:17:08]: You have to. You have to. You will get no respect. Your children will walk all over you if you don't when you say no, mean it. So think long and hard. When you say no, don't say no and change it to yes because that's what got me and and my husband in trouble. And that's what gets a lot of people in trouble with their children and with their families. They say no, but then they change it to yes when people push back.

Martha Burich [00:17:30]: So you have to really think, alright. When when a child asks you for something, you have to think, well, am I do I wanna say yes or no? And if I'm going to say no, am I gonna back it up? Because otherwise, you're gonna be a pushover and everybody will be miserable. Everybody will be miserable. Children who don't accept no become unpleasant humans at school. They cause problems at school and they keep others from learning. So we have to learn to accept no. So definitely and you know what? Don't just yell across the room. If the child's doing something, Get up.

Martha Burich [00:18:03]: Get up. Go up to the child. Look them in the eye, and don't rather than saying stop running, say walk. I had one person tell me she told a a friend of hers who's a kindergarten teacher. The teacher said, oh my goodness. My classroom is these children are so poorly behaved. And she said, well, why don't you try this? Why don't you tell them what you want them to do rather than what you don't want them to do? She said in a week, the teacher came back to her and said, just that one tip has changed my classroom. Now children, here we're going to start this activity.

Martha Burich [00:18:29]: Here's what I need you to do. We're gonna have our paper and our pencil out, and we only draw on the paper. What did what did I just tell you? Where do we draw? We only draw on the paper. Tell children what you do want, not what you don't want. We're gonna go to the grocery store. I need you to walk right next to me. If you can't see me and I can't see you, there's a problem. So what do I need you to do? I'm gonna walk right next to you, mom, dad.

Martha Burich [00:18:50]: That's right. Exactly. And if I can't see you, guess what? You're gonna sit in the cart. And then when they run off and they will, the grocery store is a fun place. I love it. And, you know, everything's right at their eye level. They get excited. They're gonna run off.

Martha Burich [00:19:03]: Okay. So you just took go to the chat and go, I see you decided to sit in the cart. Where are the bananas? I need help. Look. Look for this. Look for that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:11]: Now you also talk about the power of small everyday interactions in shaping a child's emotional well-being. What are some simple but powerful ways fathers can intentionally connect with their daughters on a daily basis?

Martha Burich [00:19:25]: You can't just say how was school. I used to ask Anthony, what was the best thing that happened to you today and what was the worst thing that happened? And we would have a discussion. He would tell me his. I would tell him mine. I knew more about what was going on at school than the teacher a lot of times. I knew who misbehaved. I know what they did. You know, he would tell me everything.

Martha Burich [00:19:43]: One time he came home and he told me this absolutely fabulous story, It Could Always Be Worse. I called a cut winner, and he described this book to me. In fact, I bought a copy of that book. I loved it so much. But, you know, that's how we would share. He would tell me the stories he learned, and he would tell me the stories. And he would tell me about what happened. And it wasn't what happened at school today, but what's the best thing that happened? What's the worst thing? What do you think about this? What do you think about that? What's your opinion on this? Why do you think she said that? Why do you think he did that? Because those are real connections.

Martha Burich [00:20:12]: And what happens is when we don't really listen to our children and and I'll I'll tell you another story. One time, Anthony was about 10, and he had gone with a friend and the friend's father, and they had gone shopping. Well, the friend's father had bought his son a toy, but he didn't buy Anthony anything. So when Anthony came home, oh, he was mad. He goes, I can't believe it. He bought him a toy. He didn't buy me anything. And I said, well, what do you expect? You're not his son.

Martha Burich [00:20:35]: And Anthony looked at me and he goes, I'm never talking to you again. You don't understand. And I realized what I had done. I had gone mother on him, correcting him. And I said, oh, I I apologize. Please tell me again. He told me the whole story again, how angry he was and, you know, and it's just not fair. Blah blah blah.

Martha Burich [00:20:52]: And I said, boy, it sounds like you were really hurt and you're mad. And he said, yes, I am. And then he went off and played. He just wanted to be heard. Sometimes your kid you know, your your kids, your spouse, your friends, they just need, need you to listen. They don't want advice. They don't want help. Or you could say, I I have some advice.

Martha Burich [00:21:09]: Would you like to hear it? But otherwise, they'll just listen.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:12]: Now, many fathers may have been raised with different parenting styles than what your book suggests. What strategies do you recommend for dads who want to break cycles of criticism, tough love, or emotional distance, and replace them with healthier patterns?

Martha Burich [00:21:28]: You know what, Chris? Here we go. Shut up your mouth. That's what my grandmother used to say to me. She came from Italy. Shut up your mouth. Just because you think it doesn't mean it comes out of your mouth. Sarcasm and insulting, those don't foster positive relationships. You really need to think, is this going to improve our relationship or not? If it's not going to improve the relationship, be quiet.

Martha Burich [00:21:55]: Be quiet. Your child doesn't need constant advice and to be told what they're doing wrong and how they can do it better. What they need is a good listening ear and someone that they know that if they have a problem, they can go to.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:07]: Well, Martha, I really appreciate you sharing all of this, and I've really enjoyed reading through the book. As Martha said, it is a short book. It's it doesn't take a lot of time to go through, but it's got practical, great advice that can help you in your daily interactions with your own kids. Now, Martha, if people wanna find out more about the book about you, where should they go?

Martha Burich [00:22:28]: Well, the book is up at Amazon, but also I have a Facebook group called Mastering Child Behavior. Join the Facebook group, and in there, there's a free quiz. Your your parenting style tells you your parenting style and how it affects the behavior of your children. So, yes, join my Facebook group, Mastering Child Behavior, and I'm on Facebook and LinkedIn and all the places, and I do have a website, marthaburridge.com.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:50]: And we will put links in our notes today to make sure that you have all of those. But, Martha, thank you so much for being here today, and I truly wish you all the best.

Martha Burich [00:22:59]: Thank you, Christy. You really touched my heart today. Thank you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:02]: That's a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn't about being perfect. It's about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don't forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:33]: We're all in the same boat, and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time. We give the lessons. We make the meals. We buy them presents and bring your AK. Because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast. Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and musclemen, Get out and be the world to them.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:24:20]: Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.