In Episode 1 of Engineering Love, Kim introduces the core philosophy behind the podcast: that love isn't something that magically happens, it's something that can be learned, built, and repaired with the right tools.

Drawing from her background as both a relationship coach and former IT systems engineer, Kim explains her root-cause approach to relationships and emotional pain. She responds to listener questions about depression and anxiety in relationships, recurring arguments over domestic issues, and couples who keep breaking up despite wanting to make things work.

This episode lays the foundation for the series, emphasizing empathy, accountability, self-awareness, and the importance of understanding patterns rather than blaming individuals.

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00:00 – Listener questions preview • Helping a partner understand depression and anxiety • Communicating about domestic annoyances • Couples who keep breaking up but want to stay together

00:32 – Welcome to Engineering Love 01:00 – Kim's background as a relationship coach and IT systems engineer 01:32 – Engineering vs psychotherapy: finding root causes 01:54 – Fascination with personality, suffering, and patterns 02:16 – Why short social media advice isn't enough 02:41 – Why love isn't accidental or effortless 03:05 – The myth of "love should be natural" 03:34 – How we learn communication and relationships 04:10 – Conditioning vs being "broken" 04:42 – Reconditioning thoughts, feelings, and behavior 05:04 – Community, listener questions, and intention for the show

05:25 – Question 1: Helping a partner understand depression and anxiety 06:14 – The core need to feel understood 06:36 – Pity vs sympathy vs empathy 07:19 – Empathy vs compassion explained 08:19 – Why compassion requires healthy detachment 09:03 – What people are really asking for in support 09:26 – Clarifying what "understanding" actually means 10:08 – The danger of moving goalposts for empathy 10:59 – Childhood emotional neglect and resisting support 11:25 – Asking clearly for what you need 11:46 – Listening without fixing 12:40 – Validation without shared experience

13:02 – Question 2: Communicating about domestic annoyances 13:44 – Why chores are one of the biggest relationship conflicts 14:06 – Creating a clear chores list and accountability 14:51 – When resistance becomes a pattern 15:31 – Authority, control, and parent–child dynamics 16:38 – When chores symbolize care, safety, or love 17:20 – Cleanliness, order, and childhood history 18:37 – Accepting differences instead of setting partners up to fail 19:56 – Power dynamics and resentment around chores 20:21 – Looking beneath surface conflicts

20:49 – Question 3: Wanting to work it out but repeatedly breaking up 21:18 – The value of third-party support 21:48 – Identifying core complaints about your partner 22:12 – Projection: judging what you dislike in yourself 22:40 – Transference: reacting to the past in the present 23:24 – Growth opportunities hidden in conflict 24:09 – Self-esteem, worth, and personal responsibility 24:33 – The impact of who you surround yourself with 25:24 – Choosing relationships that support growth 25:44 – Interrupting destructive cycles 26:11 – Inner work alongside relationship repair

26:32 – Closing thoughts and Carl Rogers quote

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This episode is especially helpful if you're trying to understand your patterns, feel stuck in recurring conflicts, or want a more grounded way to think about love and repair.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast