Discussing my plans to keep going with my dreams, just in a different way without the church.

Essay #4:

What is my contribution?

We’ve all done it. Post that “on point” quote or
image that just makes you scream, “THIS!” And then you share it with the
caption saying “THIS!” But it speaks to us and speaks to where we are, where
we’ve been and we want to share for ourselves but also for others who may have
the same reaction to it. It’s so we know we’re not alone and therefore, we help
other people not feel alone.


I have felt like I’ve contributed to my circle in society because I am pretty
open about struggling. I personally cannot fake that I’m okay when I’m not, and
when I’m deep in my feelings, I have a push to share in an attempt to process
and normalize. As a Pastor, my job was to encourage and lift up. I took that
job so seriously and always wanted people to see what I shared in any means as
edifying and positive. I’m naturally a positive person so this doesn’t come
with difficulty. But as I exited the job scene of a Pastor, this same push to
share still lives in me. I have journeyed through the identity crisis of trying
to figure who I am without labels and at the core of who I am, I still want to
be a light to people. I’ve just had to figure out what that is without the lens
of the church being behind it. I’m coming more and more into grips with what
that looks like. And I’m funneling it all through my vocation as a
photographer, a blogger and now this podcast. The church gave me this great
platform, but it just didn’t work out. I lost that vehicle for carrying me and
my dreams. I have felt very hopeless and ambiguous trying to get the feet under
me and figure out how to switch gears and use my own resources to share and
while it has been incredibly frustrating and upsetting, going through all that
has made me appreciate where I am so much. I don’t need other people to live
out my dreams! I just needed to find my grit again. I needed to work through
all the darkness to find the zest again. And I throught I’d never find either
of them ever again. But I write this today so excited and so ready to live my
dream on my terms and through my own vehicle.