Luanne and Matt met at a small Christian college in Indiana trying out for a music ensemble. As their friendship deepened, with shared values and interests, they fell in love. Luanne and Matt married and have four children. A true team, Luanne and Matt created a close and loving family. It was the family Luanne had dreamed of.

Nine years into their marriage, Matt could no longer hide his same-sex attraction and admitted it along with a brief affair and a porn addiction. Committed to their faith and their marriage, Luanne and Matt, who was a full-time worship pastor at a large Evangelical church in the San Francisco Bay Area, turned to reparative therapyin the hopes Matt could be “healed” and overcome his same-sex attraction. It became clear therapy wasn’t going to be successful, and Matt identified as a gay man.

Luanne and Matt remained married. They both wanted to keep their family intact, and despite all of the hurt, there was much good. Luanne loved their relationship, their family; she didn’t want to walk away.

After 23 years, Matt decided to end their marriage. Coming out as gay and intending to divorce Luanne, Matt had to resign his position in the church. The congregation was notified, and overnight, their private story became a very public one. Having their lives in the spotlight was challenging, but Luanne was relieved to no longer have to bear the weight of their secret.

Wanting to have an authentic relationship with his children, Matt revealed his truth to all four of them at different times in the months leading up to his public coming out. It wasn’t that Matt is gay that was hard for them to accept, but that Luanne and Matt were getting divorced. Luanne’s advice for others is to choose friendship and hope as their guiding forces. “It’s not the end of your family.”

The first few months after Matt left their marriage were challenging. Luanne poured herself into creating her own life and life-giving experiences. Their children have been Luanne’s strength and inspiration throughout this journey. Some days it was a struggle, but in her desire to be a mom, she was motivated each day to love and guide their children.

Luanne connected with other women in similar situations for encouragement and support. They called their group text message “Life Support.” Although in different stages, they were all moms who either were or had been married to gay men. It was lifesaving to reach out to someone who understood and could share their wisdom. Counseling was helpful to process her experience and emotions.

Losing her community of friends has been the most difficult aspect of this journey. Loneliness and missing a partner in life is challenging. Accepting that she’s in this place, a place she does not want to be, has been difficult. The biggest gift? Finding joy. For many years, Luanne walked through life with a heaviness. In carrying this secret, she lost herself and experienced sadness and discontent. Now, living free from the secret has paved the way to authentic joy.

In their Tedx Talk, Luanne and Matt commit to choosing truth, hope, gratitude, and friendship. Luanne’s greatest hope is that they continue to move in a positive direction as they face their new normal, The New Nightingales. She’s hopeful their family can continue to have a healthy outcome from this shift in their lives.

Luanne wants others to know that healing is possible, and there is life on the other side. In reflecting on her journey, she knows the best is yet to come.

Resources

An Unexpected Launch Stories of ordinary people navigating extraordinary circumstances

COLAGE for those with an LGBTQIA+ parent/caregiver