The Swans kicked at 25% accuracy. The Cats at 37. And AFL fans kicked their TVs at 100% accuracy. Welcome back to AFL from LA. I am your host, Cindye. I am here in downtown Hollywood. The Capitol Records building is right behind me. Legendary artists from Frank Sinatra and Michael Jackson to Paul McCartney and Bob Dylan have all recorded there. It was a round of meh, and a round of holy shit! 

Determined to prove the theory that the bye should be taken out back and shot, Richmond started completely lethargic and only kicked one goal in the first half. This left the AFL scrambling to find new excuses for the bye, and footy fans scrambling to switch over to the Ashes. The loss was Richmond’s biggest since 2016 and ended the three game winning streak under Andrew McQualter. Eagles fans began calling for his sacking and a complete review of the club. Hugh McLuggage and Lachie Neale were stand out performers for the Brisbane Lions. And Joe Daniher kicked five goals. I mean he could have kicked more, but you know, he’s Joe. He’s a strange cat. The win against the Tigers helps with their push for top two. But so what? The grand final is still played at the G. A venue that strikes more fear into Lions’ hearts than a zookeeper with a tranquilizer gun. 

Draws can be exciting games of footy. But not this one. The grand final rematch proved that you can spend hours running around a football field and accomplish absolutely nothing. It was the worst primetime game I’ve seen since, since Thursday. The Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my. The Swans started strong. But then they began missing shots like the bad guys in John Wick. The first quarter alone, they had nine shots on goal for only one conversion. I’m talking to you, Papley, McDonald, Gulden, Amartey. But the worst offender of all was Isaac Heeney. He kicked 0.2, 3 out on the fulls, and clipped both behind posts at one end of the ground. I think we can all agree that the real loser of this game was football itself.

Houston, we do not have a problem. Dan Houston kicked a 55 meter bomb in the wet to crush Essendon’s soul and take the Pear to 12 straight. Talk about a heart stopper, there were 8 lead changes. My Apple Watch counted me watching the game as a workout. If it’s a Port Pies Grand Final and the game is decided by a umpire review after the siren, I don’t know if the MCG, let alone Australians with heart conditions, could take it. I thought the Bombers were really good, even great at times. Merritt, Caldwell, and Phillips led the way, while Ridley nullified Todd Marshall and Kyle Langford kicked three goals. Speaking of goals, Parrish missed two absolute sitters. Two meter Peter was kept to zero. And Wiedeman went goalless again! That’s five games in a row! Sam! Sweetie! What’s going on? With seconds to go, I really thought the Bombers were gonna hold on. But in footy, as in life, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings. Or in this case, Dan Houston takes his kick after the siren. 

And just a quick shout out to my Eagles. You guys showed up and I stayed up till 2.30 in the morning! I couldn’t believe that this was the same team that played last week. You guys showed spirit and effort and I for one was really proud and I’m looking forward to watching this rebuild. 

The Giants came from behind to beat the Dees and to move to one game outside of the eight. Toby Greene, Tom Green, Nick Haynes, Idun, Callum Brown. And what about the other Toby? Toby Bedford! And that clutch goal from 65 meters out by Josh Kelly to win the game! And then it started. “There’s not a statistic Melbourne didn’t win except for on the scoreboard,” said a visibly confused Dermot Brereton. Cam Mooney added, “The Dees were a better side statistically, except for when they were in front of goal.” Footy fans, are you tired of watching a game and knowing who’s winning simply by the scoreboard? Do you long for a more complicated, convoluted way of telling who’s winning? Welcome to the world of AFL stats. These guys throw around stats like confetti at a wedding. Who needs a scoreboard when you have a spreadsheet and a calculator. There’s only one stat that matters. Kicking more goals than your opponent. David King can give you every KPI, every slow motion breakdown of every stoppage. If you can’t kick more goals than your opponent, you lose. Giants kicked 7.5 from 46 inside 50s. The Demons kicked 5.15 from 73. Spare me the Fox Footy Lab, gentlemen. The Dees have now kicked 12, 13, 18, 15, and 15 behinds from their last 5 games. And they haven’t scored 80 plus points since round 9. If this isn’t pear-shaped, I don’t know what is.