AFL from LA

AFL weather alert: Orange Tsunami inbound. AFL commentator alert: there are two teams playing, even if one of them is not from Victoria. Welcome back to AFL from LA. I am your host, Cindye, and I am standing outside of the world famous comedy club, The Laugh Factory, where everyone from Jim Carrey to Jerry Seinfeld have performed.

Sure, the Pies beat Melbourne in the first qualifying final, but the real winner of the game was footy itself, because a true sporting visionary has been confirmed. Simon Goodwin. First, Goody alerted us to the evils of tagging when his star midfielder, Clayton Oliver, was unfairly pantsed by Hawthorn’s Finn Maguniness. A crime against football, really. Now he’s shone a vital light on how footballers must, in a split second, stop mid air, not brace for contact, and must know if the player they might make contact with has ever suffered from a concussion. This is next level thinking, people! It’s not important when Goody said Maynard left the ground and knocked a guy out that he left out the part that Maynard left the ground to smother a kick. Goody sees the game in 4D, like Neo dodging bullets in _The Matrix_! And, Goody pointed out how the Dees beat the Pies in every single statistic. Sure, maybe not on the scoreboard, but that’s not important. I just want to applaud Simon Goodwin for not only being a gracious sport and a visionary, but for having the best interests of our game at heart. Bravo, Goody. I can’t wait to see what bullshit, I mean gems, you come up with next week after your do or die game against Carlton. 

Best on ground? Blake Acre’s fingertips. The recruit of the year’s precious digits denied not one, but two goals, sealing a thrilling one goal win for the Blues over the Swans. Psst, Melbourne, if I were you, I would be targeting Acre’s fingertips from the opening bounce this Friday. The Blues Swans final had it all. Blurry score reviews. BT calling it. And players running recklessly into each other’s fists. Come on! What was Jack Martin _supposed_ to do? I really thought the Swans were gonna learn from watching the Dees that bombing it long inside 50 and kicking at 39 percent accuracy wasn’t the game plan to go with. But Longmire’s boys said, [bleep] Cindye! and put it down the Blue’s defenders throats all night, giving Weitering, Marchbank, and Newman a serious case of leather poisoning. _Hello, Newman_. It was the Blues first finals win since 2013, built on the back of contested ball brutality, courtesy of midfield beasts, Cerra, Hewett, and Walsh. And how great was Sexy Saad? Five intercept possessions in the last quarter alone. Opposition fans really need to stop booing him every time he kicks the ball. The Blues go into Friday night’s game without Jack Martin and Big Harry. But the Baggers have the midfield muscle to go toe to toe with the Dees. Plus the firepower up forward to kick a winning score. Can’t say the same for you, Dees. So if I had to make a prediction right here and right now, I’d say the Blues are gonna do something they haven’t done since 1995. Win back to back finals games. 

The Giants outclassed the Saints and broke the hearts of Channel 7 commentators to win at their 11th different venue this year and set up a semi final showdown against the Power in Adelaide. But let’s keep talking about St. Kilda. Right, Jobe and Luke? Okay, I will. A list full of passengers. A boring, ultra defensive brand of footy. A forward line that regularly goes missing. There was a Giants chant going around the MCG of all places, and they were still reviewing St. Kilda’s season. I thought this was the _Australian_ Football League. Where’s the interstate representation? Can you imagine if the NFL was controlled by, let’s say, Texas. And most of the teams were _in_ Texas. And most of the commentators were _from_ Texas. And the Superbowl was only ever played _in_ Texas. There would be a riot! Okay, deep breath, Cindye. The Giants were awesome and now they are the dark horse of this final series. Adam Kingsley wrote a single sentence on the whiteboard at the beginning of the season. _Why not us_? Jobe, Luke, care to weigh in? Or are you guys still talking about St. Kilda? 

There was another power outage at the Gabba, and no, I am not talking about the lights. Port Adelaide gave new meaning to insufficient intent in the second half, going down to the Lions by 8 goals in the end. The Pear had no answer to Brisbane’s clearance game, conceding a whopping 81 points from that source, and conceding a season high 67 inside 50s. Sure, scores from clearances were damning, but when the game was up for grabs in the first half, Port kicked 2.5 from set shots and missed another _three_. Full credit to the Briz, though. The Big O was mighty, and Rayner, Dunkley, and Daniher were on fire. But what was even more impressive was the 36, 000 strong GABBA crowd, whose rendition of _Country Roads_ gave me absolute goosebumps. If the grand final was at the GABBA, I would be betting all my Bitcoin on the Lions. Wait, do I still have any Bitcoin left? But it isn’t. So I’m not. And I’m really sorry, Port fans, but I’m really starting to question whether the Power can handle GWS this Saturday. Buckle [00:06:00] up, footy fans. Adelaide Oval is going to be intense.

The Sydney Swans are celebrating a fiercely fought, much deserved win over the… Wait, what? The Swans didn’t win? Ben Keays didn’t hit the post? Every angle showed it? Then why wasn’t the decision overturned? But that means the Crows were robbed! Sigh.

Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host Cindye, and I’m coming to you from, well, my living room. We’ve been forced inside. Damn you, Hurricane Hillary. And we just had an earthquake. 

Deven Robertson crushed it on Instagram, while his Brisbane Lions teammates crushed the Pies. The Pies and the Lions both sit on 124, while Robertson’s Insta followers are at 32,000 and GROWING. The Pies have lost 3 of their last 4 games. They’ve also conceded 100 plus points in their last 3, something they have not done since 2008. In plain English, I just happened to learn this new word, Colliwobbles. Before you come for me, Magpie Army, I actually learned that from a Carlton fan, who told me, Sure, the Pies had 3 of their best 22 out, but Carlton has been winning with six of their best 22 out. Colliwobbles or not, there’s no denying it’s been a less than stellar month for the Pies. The Lions, on the other hand, have won eight of their last ten. And if they win their next three games at the GABBA, it’s off to the MCG for the big dance. And that right there is the problem. M. C. G. Sorry, Lions fans, but I just don’t see you doing it. 

The Blues are playing finals for the first time in 10 years. The Baggers came from 7 goals down, slathered in more SPF 50 than Ironman Australia, to beat the Suns by 4 points and go 9 in a row! You haven’t done that since 2000! And can we all just hail King Charles? 5 goals, 9 score involvements, the Coleman practically wrapped up, full forward and full back of the year. I mean, did you see that game saving mark? The Curled One has taken his game to a whole new level in 2023. Next year, I’m thinking his own shampoo line and a bicep workout. And George Hewett? Great again. Nic Newman? A lazy 31 touches and 9 intercepts. Hello, Newman. And Mr. Paddy Dow? I mean, his last three games might even have… Sam Walsh looking over his shoulder. Look, the Gasballs were awesome for three quarters. They smashed the Blues in clearances and came so close to snatching those four points. I know you’ve heard that “they’re going to be so great next year” line before, but with a triple premiership coach about to take the reins, a red hot midfield, and a wave of young talent, I think every team’s gonna need an extra layer of SPF 50 next year. 

The Sydney Swans are buying every lottery ticket available after a goal umpire decided not to use the goal review system that the AFL has so fiercely defended. Adelaide’s final hopes are over because the AFL refuses to correct a mistake. That’s like being fined for speeding when the dash cam shows your car is parked. I don’t even blame the goal umpire. He’s just trying to do his job. I blame the system for being so ridiculously stupid. Ben Keays kicks the goal of his lifetime. Adelaide was celebrating an all time great sporting moment. And the AFL? Eh, they did their signature move. Rolled out the boss to say a few words. Let’s all commend Gil and the boys for their commitment to the past, while the rest of the sporting world embraces 4K, video assistant referees, and advanced goal line technology. Review complete. Looking at these angles, there is insufficient evidence to determine whether the AFL will be stepping into the 21st century anytime soon. Decision on the scoreboard. 

A big, big shout out to the boys in orange. What a performance! Whatever happens next week, I know one thing’s for sure. 2024 is going to be an even bigger, bigger sound.

Harley Reid’s glittering 200 game Brownlow medal winning career at the Eagles is over before it even began. And you know what? I don’t even care! Because my team, the mighty Eagles, beat the odds, beat the critics, and beat the Bulldogs at Marvel Stadium to cause the biggest upset in footy since since Dev Robertson had to put his jumper back on on Friday night. I’m still crying. No, not about the Dev Robertson thing. Simmo, I asked you to give us all a reason to believe that you’re still the man for the job, and that the players were still playing for you, and boy, did you deliver. The Gov was playing on one leg. Oscar kicked 3 while being held together by tape. Tim Kelly burning out of the middle. And Jamie Cripps!I don’t know what was better, his five goals and seven tackles, or him saying you’re still the man for the job in his interview post game. Actually, I think it might have been Simmo’s “we’re trying to tank the game” quip that topped it all. Can’t wait to hear what Kane Cornes has to say now. The only downside from this game, I think, was Elliot Yeo’s injury. Fingers crossed he gets up for Bunga’s and Boots’s farewell games next week. And fingers and toes crossed the board backs you in from here, Simmo. You’re the man who’s taken us to the top. You’re the man who’s kept us together at the bottom. And if there’s anyone who’s earned the right to see this journey through, I think it’s you.

The only thing that could have been bigger than the Carlton Melbourne game was if the Blues had been playing the Matildas. What a game! 70, 000 at the G, finals like intensity, and more tackles than a Black Friday sale at Kmart. 173.

Welcome back to AFL from L. A. I’m your host, Cindye. I’m here on Fairfax Avenue. It was once the home of businesses that catered to the Jewish community. And now it has become the mecca of street wear. But don’t worry, after you get those kicks, you can still go over to Canter’s Deli and get yourself a pastrami on rye.

The Hawks are causing more upsets than a dodgy seafood buffet. First, the Pies last weekend, and now the Bulldogs. Are the Hawks the best 16th place team ever? Psst, Sam, can we get you to come and help rebuild the Eagles next year? And is Jai Newcombe the best midseason pickup ever? I’ve never seen anyone break so many tackles.

Newcombe racked up 40 touches and 10 goal assists. And went at 85% efficiency. Last year, he polled 12 Brownlow votes. This year, I got a feeling he’s gonna double that. And with him and Will Day in the midfield, I think the Hawks could be eyeing some serious silverware in the next five years. But let’s talk about the Dogs for a sec.

What the hell was Tim English doing taking that final kick in? Are you telling me they don’t have a plan for when they’re a kick behind with only a minute to play? To me, Bevo is impossible to work out. He won them a flag in ’16 and got them to the grand final in ’21, but if you ask me what the Dog’s brand is, couldn’t tell ya.

The Dogs have their biggest test of the year coming up. The Eagles at Marvel Stadium. Come on, I’m an Eagles fan. If I can’t laugh, I’m gonna cry. Take two. The Dogs have their biggest test of the year coming up, Geelong in Geelong. If they don’t get their act together by then, 2023 is going to be another wasted year for a very talented list.

If you told me that Jezza was going to kick seven and Darcy Moore was going to be out in the first quarter, I would have easily put a hundy on the Cats. And if you would have told me that two of Jezza’s goals were going to come from umpire howlers, I would have shrugged and said, sounds about right. How did those umps not see those? And how did Murphy and Maynard not get cited for dissent? Oh, that’s right, because dissent is dead. The Pies ended their long suffering two game losing streak to all but wrap up the minor premiership for the first time in 12 years. But things were looking shaky in the first. The Pies, who concede on average 28 points per game from stoppages, conceded 32 in the first quarter alone. But led by Josh Daicos, Lipinski, and Adams, the Pies came storming back, booting a blistering 6 in the third, and maintaining a pressure rating of 200. Alright, who’s gonna tell me what the hell that means? Seriously, what does it mean? In plain English, the Pies laid 65 tackles up to three quarter time. They killed the Cats on transition, and forced more errors than your dad trying to use FaceTime. The Cats look cooked to me, while the Pies are still the team to beat. And with their last two games against the Lions and the Bombers, there’s not a chance in hell they’re losing first place from here. 

That’s eight in a row for the Baggers, who have now almost, almost, secured a spot in the finals. Cripps and Hewett? Absolutely huge. Paddy Dow? Probably his best game ever. And Charlie? With those two goals, he’s got one hand on the Coleman. The Dees fans are screaming about that score review, but one decision does not make a game of footy. And the Blues played well enough to be in front with 40 seconds to go, so… What’s most impressive about the Blues is that they’ve now beaten Collingwood, Melbourne, Port, and the Eagles. Vossy’s got his boys humming at exactly the right time. And with two winnable games coming up, the Prosecco might just be ready to pop on Lygon Street. 

A quick shout out to Port Adelaide. You guys took a few weeks off from footy domination, but you’re back and you certainly reminded everyone why you’re a top four team. And crosstown rivals, Adelaide, you guys almost had the Lions at the Gabba. Talk about South Australian football. 

West Australian authorities are concerned about a new wave of sadomasochism, after 51, 000 Eagles fans turned out yet again for another 100 point whipping. It was the Eagles 5th loss by more than 100 points this season, and their 10th by more than 10 goals. The Minister of Health has confirmed that there is a rehabilitation package in the works, but warned it could take three to five years to prove effective. Seriously, Eagles? Over an 80 minute period, you conceded 17 unanswered goals, 40 less inside 50s, 30 less contested possessions, and all against the 14th place team, at home! Let me break down what that means. Zero effort. Simmo, I backed you in all year. I cut you slack with the injury crisis. And I’ve acknowledged that the team is in a rebuild. But something stinks in Eagle Land. Please give me, and the 50, 000 fans who keep showing up at Optus, a reason to believe that the players aren’t going to turn their toes up again. That they’re still playing for you. And that you’re still the man for the job. Because right now, it’s getting really hard to find one.

I felt horrible hearing the news about Nick’s injury. Six weeks out is going to put a dent in Collingwood’s premiership chances and rob us all of seeing a young superstar on the park. I’m wishing you a speedy recovery, Nick. And here’s a memo to all AFL commentators. Maybe now you can ease up on all the non stop Nick talk. He’s a generational talent and a humble young man. But you’re only going to make the neutrals resent him with all your non stop coverage. Give the kid a break. 

Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I finally made it to the Griffith Observatory. Famous movies such as Rebel Without a Cause, The Terminator, and La La Land were filmed here.

The Bulldog’s 55 point victory was their biggest of the year, their biggest over the Tigers in 13 years, and the biggest snoozefest I’ve had to sit through since _The Flash_. Seriously, what’s up with the Tigers and Marvel Stadium? They show up about as often as Harold Holt at a beach party. Is it that grueling eight minute drive? In the first quarter alone, they conceded 9 goals. I mean, even Rory Lobb scored a point. Have to give full credit to the Bulldogs, though. They came back fighting after their loss to the Giants last week. Hi, Tobes. With Libba continuing his career best season, and the Bont reminding everyone whose name is going to be etched on the Brownlow. Take it easy, Pies fans. I heard plenty from you guys last week after my comments on the fixturing. The Tigers are now languishing in 13. And, wait for it, they play the Saints next week at Marvel Stadium. Not sure how Tigers fans are feeling about having to revisit the dreaded Docklands next week, but I have a sneaky suspicion that the Saints fans are thinking they have a real chance. 

Eagles fans have never been more relieved to lose a game by one point. North Melbourne fans, on the other hand, are crying in their beers. Yes, the Eagles snatched Harley Reid from the jaws of victory against the Bombers at Marvel Stadium. Apart from the lousy second quarter, where the Dons kicked six goals to two, Simmo’s boys booted more goals than their opponents, laid more tackles inside 50, but lost the free kick count 22 to 12. Take your pick for which was the worst non decision. Noah Long being taken out in front of goal? Oscar Allen being blocked in the dying moments? Or how about that ball up that went straight to the Bomber’s ruck and resulted in the winning goal? I know footy’s hard to umpire, and I know it’s a thankless job, but they’ve got four of them out there now, and they’re still having a worse season than the Eagles. A big shout out to Elliot Yeo, who was a rock in defense during the last quarter. And Tim Kelly, who’s 30 disposals, 5 clearances, and 7 score involvements, practically sealed him for this year’s B&F. And how about those baby Eagles? Hewett, Chesser, Long, Maric. Just 40 games between them, but you can already feel what the next 40 are going to be like. Combine that with West Coast’s hand at this year’s draft, and the return of guys like Liam Ryan, Jai Culley, and Jamaine Jones next year, I’m forecasting sunnier skies and anything but an 18th place finish next year for the Blue and Gold. 

It was a bold decision by the Pies not to play a midfield against the Hawks, with Sam Mitchell’s boys winning center clearances by an incredible 18 3. I don’t know who was more impressive. Newcombe, Worpel, and Day in the center? Sicily down back? Breust and Lewis up front? Finn Maginness for his job on Nick Daicos. Finn clung to the superstar like glad wrap, allowing him just five touches for the game. Two of which came from free kicks and one from a kick in. The Pies have the Cats and the Lions at home, both of which they should win, and which will secure them top spot. The Hawks are still likely to finish bottom four, but if ever there was a coach, a midfield, a key defender and a fast game style to get excited about next year, it’s the Hawks.

Shout out to the Swans for a hard fought victory at the Battle of the Bridge in the wet. GWS, you could have won it if you kicked straight. Just saying. And to Freo, so close, my friends, so close. 

Ross the Boss got smacked with a loss, making Voss the Boss and taking the Blues one step closer to making finals for the first time in a decade. That’s seven in a row for the Baggers, something they haven’t done since the 2000 Olympics. And it was with six of their best 22 out. And Charlie being held to just one goal. The game was a tale of two halves. The Saints dominated the first, out tackling the Blues 52-33, and converting their chances. But the Blues got to work in the second, to kick 7.9 to, wait for it, 1.4. That’s ten points in a half a footy. What the hell happened, Ross? I’ll tell you what happened. Cripps, Hewitt, Hollands. The Blues monstered stoppages, 22 clearances to 8, and moved the ball like it was on fire. And can we just give Nic Newman All Australian already? Hello, Newman. This was a growth game for the Blues. They would have folded earlier in the year. But now they’re digging deep and finding ways to win. Which is something only legit teams can do. They’ve got the Dees next week at the G, which should bring the entire city to an absolute standstill. The Saints, on the other hand, play the Tigers, Geelong, and Brisbane. I’d say their spot in the top eight is wearing thinner than Eric Bana’s patience for another Saint’s Premiership. Hi, Eric.

The Giants are sixth, the Blues are seventh, and the Eagles won! What the hell is going on?!

Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I am standing here on the Sunset Strip, across the street from the Whisky A Go Go. Everyone from The Doors, to Led Zeppelin, to Guns N Roses have played there. And as you might be able to see, Tim McGraw is doing a private concert there next month. 

No Walshie, Kennedy, Silvagni, Harry, or Cerra for a half. No worries! The Blues said hold our beers this time while we beat a full strength Collingwood at the G in front of 85, 000. The Baggers would not be denied. Led by superstar forward and part time shampoo model, Charlie Curnow, who kicked six straight. I mean, he’s scoring more than Harry Styles at an after party. And I think the Blues have now unveiled the blueprint of how to beat the Pies. Fast corridor footy. Relentless heat around the contest. And tagging superstar Nick Daicos. I thought Jack Martin was brilliant. While Newman, Doc, and Sexy Saad were generals down back. And the Blues midfield owned the contest. For the Pies, I loved Howe’s move up forward. And Billy Elliot’s mark was a screamer. But other than McStay and Markov, the rest of the Magpies went missing. The Pies have been the benchmark team this year, but they’ve also been outplayed in large patches. And with two of their remaining games being played away. Wait, both of their away games are at the MCG? How can that be? And they don’t leave Melbourne again this year? I think we just found another blueprint for the Pie’s success! Getting to play 14 games at the MCG! 

In a touching tribute to Kane Cornes, Alex Pearce played the captain’s game of his life to lead Freo to their second straight win against the Cats in Catland. My sources tell me that Peter Bell is currently at AFL House trying to get Freo’s last four games played in Geelong. The Dockers snapped their four game losing streak by bringing back their star recruit, Pressure. It was Pearce, I mean fierce, and it was for four quarters. They shut down Geelong’s entries and locked the ball inside forward 50 like rabid madmen. Oh, and did you see that goal by Fast Freddy in the pocket? The Purple Ones have now beaten Melbourne, Sydney, and Geelong on the road, proving that their best is good enough to beat just about anyone, anywhere. Losing Mundy and Fife from the midfield has been significant. But being the second youngest list in the comp, I think consistency is just around the corner. 

Seven wins in a row for the Giants for the first time in club history. And it’s nine wins in nine different venues this year. They were six goals down against their arch rivals at the Ballarat Kennel without their star midfielder, Tom Green, again, and they came back to win by a kick. I don’t know how my neighbors didn’t call the cops. The game was on in the middle of the night, and the amount of screaming coming out of my living room was ridiculous. I thought the Giants were dead at halftime. Yeah, Cal Ward had gone to The Bont and shut him down. But Libba and Treloar were still running riot. But something happened in the third. Some 5 foot 11, 84 kilo, hashtag superstar named Toby Greene. Just give them the All Australian captaincy now. But they won’t do that, will they? I loved the way he could barely breathe during the interview after the game. At the other end, Sam Taylor once again demonstrated why he’s the best defender in the game. While Buckley, Whitfield, Toby 2, and Haynes were all rock stars. Sarcasm alert. Thanks, AFL, for scheduling the Dockers game at the same time as GWS’s game. Hashtag winning move. Also, hashtag winning move to Luke Beveridge, who shifted Rory Lobb into defense instead of Aaron Naughton. Psst, Bevo. In case you didn’t know, Aaron Naughton used to play in the backline, while Rory Lobb… is Rory Lobb. 

My little baby Eagles! I’m so proud! I even shed a tear! I cried! And a huge shout out to the Suns! Did you guys roast the Lions or what?! Well done, Gasballs! Well done! 

What happened? Tex happened. It was the Crows first double showdown win since 2017. They smoked their arch enemy by eight goals, with the Big Tex equaling the showdown record of seven goals. Tex is about to have his biggest season ever, sitting on 61 goals after round 20. The only question now… which Tex is the best vintage? 2023? 2017? Or 2012? Fellow veteran Matt Crouch wound back the clock, slaying Port’s mids with his 32 touches, 15 contested, and 12 clearances, while captain fantastic, Dawson, racked up 34 disposals and nine score involvements. Port looked flat from the start, bringing little heat and making too many errors. They bombed it long inside 50 and just hoped for the best. The Crows sit in 12th, but they’ve beaten Brisbane, Port, and taken Melbourne to within a kick, and taken Collingwood to within a kick _twice_. They’ve almost always brought four quarters of heart and soul footy. And while they might not crack finals for 2023, 2024 promises to be big. I’m excited. For the power, I’m not worried. They’ve more than established their credentials. Their game next week against the Cats in Geelong should be a ripper. Then hosting the Australian Globetrotters, GWS, should be even bigger. God, I love this game.

AFL fans, I ask you to join me in a moment of silence to honor an old friend of ours, Holding the Ball. This week marked its untimely demise, joining its long lost cousin, the Dissent rule, in the great Rulebook in the sky. May they rest in peace. And may their memories be a lesson to us all. In the great game of footy, nothing is sacred.

Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I’m standing here in front of the Manhattan Beach Pier, where movies such as _Starsky and Hutch_, _Falling Down_ and _Point Break_ were filmed. 

Luke Beveridge’s hand is shaking with relief after the Bulldogs trounced the Bombers by 41 points. It’s the Dogs 9th win from their last 10 outings against the Dons. At this point, seeing the Bulldogs on your schedule feels for the Bombers like seeing your ex at a party. You know it’s going to be a world of hurt. The odds of public humiliation are high. And no matter how hard you try, you can’t escape it. The game was played in perfect conditions under the roof at Marvel Stadium. But for the Bombers, it felt more like being trapped in a Stephen King novel. And that novel was titled, _Libba: the Tattooed Terror_. The inked one racked up 39 disposals, 8 score assists, and 12 clearances. But what was even more scarier than that Bulldog? A Bulldog named Bontempelli. The Bont completely dominated the game, with 29 disposals, 2 goals, and 8 inside 50s. The Bont is the LeBron James of AFL at the moment. And then, there’s Jake Stringer. Jakey, baby. What’s going on? Two years ago, you, The Package, were Essendon’s weapon. You catapulted them into finals with your dazzling talent, but now, The Package is missing in transit. Lost in the mail. Come on, Jake, you’re so much better than this.

A team trailing by 5 goals at 3 quarter time, only to come back and snatch a 1 point win with only a minute left to play happened again. No, not Collingwood, silly. That’s later. Richmond. Yes, heart attack football is catching faster than the flu, with Andrew McCloseone having a serious case of it. The Young Hawks completely dominated the first 3 quarters. And Captain Sicily equaled the Intercept mark record again! But the young Hawks folded like a cheap lawn chair when the heat came in the last. Led by Liam Baker, who has clearly been watching Jamie Elliott highlight reels, Daniel Rioli, and Tim Taranto, who scored his third goal of the game. It’s the third game this year that the Hawks have lost by less than a goal. And while 2023 is going to see them finish bottom four, 2024 is most certainly not. For the Tiger Army, you guys are just percentage points outside of the 8. But with games against the Dees, Bullies, and Port in the run home, making finals is going to take even more Andrew McCloseone heart attack football. 

West Coast Eagles 8.5 defeated Carlton 6.5 at Marvel Stadium. Wait, no, that was the second half, Cindye. The West Coast Eagles 10.9 outscored Charlie Curnow 10.3! Come on! At least let me have that one. Alright, alright, the Carlton Blues demolished the West Coast Eagles by 12 goals. With superstar forward and owner of curls even better than mine, Charlie Curnow kicking a personal best 10 goals. I gotta admit, I was completely wrong about this one. I told my Carlton bestie, Blue Abroad, that Carlton was only gonna win by 5 goals. He hid his laughter like a true gentleman, but quietly added, Charlie’s gonna kick ten. Well played, Terry. Well played. I thought it was also gentlemanly of Carlton to rest Cripps and Cerra for this game. However, I thought it was downright disrespectful not to rest Charlie Curnow. The Eagles would have been right in it! Okay, Cindye, back to Planet Earth. The Blues took their foot off the Eagles throat in the second half after suffering injuries to Jumping Jack, Walsh, Motlop, and Cincotta. Bad, Petrevski-Seton. Carlton now sit ninth. Just five percentage points behind the Cats. They’ve got winnable games in the run home. Except for maybe the pies this week at the G in front of a crowd larger than a royal wedding. After that, though, the Blue’s destiny is very much in their own hands. Get to work, Baggers. 

I want to give a big American shoutout to my boys in Orange for storming into the top eight.As well as the Crows and the Roos for fighting performances and almost shaking things up even more in the top eight. 

I was three points and three minutes away from being a football prophet. Thanks, Jamie Elliott. Jamie Elliott is the clutch king of clutch kings. He kicked a winning goal _twice_ in that last quarter. First at the 22 minute mark, then at the 29 minute mark, and barely blinked. Taking notes, Cody Weightman? Port were the superior side for most of the game. They adapted to the conditions better and had even more inside 50s and center clearances. But [00:05:00] the Pies once again just shrugged and said, Hold our Coronas. This game was next level. I mean peak AFL. Nine lead changes. Brownlow favorites locking horns, and BT not calling it! Port would’ve dismantled any other team in the comp. Brisbane, Melbourne, yes, even the Eagles! But the Pies are just a force of nature. They’ve now won 12 of their last 16 games when they’ve been behind at three quarter time, plus the hearts of neutrals across the country and the globe. As an American on a crusade to spread AFL to the world, I wanna say a heartfelt thank you to the Pies and Port for providing the second greatest ever advertisement for the game. The best advertisement? Well, that’s going to be this year’s Grand Final. Port and the Pies. With a one point victory after the siren. I’m not sure if Australia’s collective heart can handle it, let alone the world’s. Bring it on.

I’m gonna say what everyone’s thinking, but Melbourne won’t dare say. Dees are better off without Brodie Grundy. Sorry, handsome. Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I am here at the world famous Santa Monica Pier. Many of you might recognize it from awesome movies like Iron Man, Rocky III, and Forrest Gump, where, spoiler alert, Tom Hanks ends his famous run at the end of the pier. 

AFL officials were seen warning the Bulldogs and the Swans that their game was up against Wimbledon, the Tour de France, and the _Barbie_ movie, and told them they needed to keep things bloody close or else. Boy, did they. That game was tighter than a pair of Nathan Buckley’s jeans. Tom Papley, celebrating his 27th birthday, decided to gift himself four goals and led the Swans to a two point nail biting victory. In the presser, John Longmire revealed that Papley had suffered cracked ribs earlier in the season. When asked whether it was due to Papley’s post goal celebrations, Longmire declined to comment. The Bulldogs started strong, taking six marks inside 50 and kicking five goals. Their handball game was slicing through the Swans like an American through a buffet line. But young Swan Errol Gulden said, Enough is enough, and went to work. The Gulden child was everywhere, like a Kardashian on social media, racking up 30 disposals, 7 tackles, and 7 score involvements. What was crazy is how Longmire decided to go into the game without his number one ruckman, Tom Hickey, to face a Bulldogs team with Tim English. Despite Big Tim getting 60 hit outs, 15 to advantage, and the Bulldogs winning clearances by 18, the Swans still won. I think the Swans could have just killed the Bulldog’s finals chances. And didn’t the Bont know it? He looked angrier than a kid who got socks for Christmas. Did you see the way he threw his mouth guard? Ouch. 

I was watching this game and I thought, Holy shit, the Lions are actually gonna win one at the MCG. And then, they didn’t. Brisbane, like Steven May, got Melksham’d. The Dees forward fooled everyone, kicking three out on the fulls in the first half, to shake any Brisbane interest in him, then kicked the match winning goal with only 30 seconds left. Sneaky magic trick, Jake. Brisbane, however, had an even bigger magic trick. It’s called the disappearing lead. The Lions led by four goals with just six minutes to play. And blew it! Instead of keeping their foot on Melbourne’s throats, Fages decided to park the bus and defend the lead. I guess we have to credit the Briz for finding new and exciting ways to lose at the MCG. They’ve been doing it since 2014 now. Have to give more credit to Simon Goodwin, though. He chose to play Christian Petracca mostly forward in a demon side with no Clayton Oliver in the midfield. The Trac kicked four goals for the second game in a row. I mean, he’s gonna have to go in for scans of his shoulders the way he’s carrying the Melbourne forward line at the moment. And who was Trac giving the loser sign to at the end of the game? Probably BT for another awesome call. Gotta give props to Viney and Rivers in the last quarter. And Big Maxy Gawn, who made the Big O look about 5’7 and left no doubt that he’s still the top dog. I mean demon. 

The team written off more than Tiger Wood’s cars this year is back. Carlton pulled off their best win of the season, notching their fourth win in a row by 50 plus points. Shit, they’ve got the Eagles next week. It was the first four quarter performance against a quality opposition that I’ve seen from the Blues in ages. I mean, Port are the real deal, like top two flag contender real deal. But the blues said no interstate team is going to win ten in a row at Marvel on our watch. Then Carlton players started dropping faster than my Wi Fi connection. Owies went down just minutes before the game. And Big Harry dropped in the first quarter with a knee. But Jesse Motlop pulled on the boots and kicked four amazing first half goals. Alongside Jumping Jack, who also booted four and was best on ground. Blues fans are now coping with a very strange feeling. Hope. Port fans are just relieved they can start calling for Ken Hinkley’s head again. Port went into the game with seven changes, including no Horne-Francis and Charlie Dixon. Plus the inclusion of team captain, Tom Jonas. Did this have any impact on the game? The Blues have to win five of their last six to make finals. While Port are a shoo in to finish top two. And their game next week against the Pies in Adelaide promises to be bigger than the Tour de France, Wimbledon, and the Ashes, combined. And I’ll let you in on a little secret. I think they’re gonna win.

O M G! G W S! The Giants came from 17 behind at three quarter time to clip the Crows by 14 points in one of the best come from behind wins of the year. In his 200th game, Lachie Whitfield was amazing. Josh Kelly was back to his sexy best. And Toby Greene was, well, Toby friggin Greene. My Toby crush has gone to way new levels. Sorry, JK, but you were the one who left. Did you expect I wouldn’t move on? The Crows were primed to jump back into the eight with this game. But a guy named Sam Taylor crashed the party. And… Connor Idun. And… Isaac Cumming. Is that Giant’s backline the most underrated in the competition? They absorbed more Crows attacks than a worm farm. It’s the Crows third loss at home this season. I’ve loved some of their footy this year. And they’ve looked possible top four at times. But lately, something has dropped off, and I don’t know what it is. The Giants, on the other hand, should have their own travel show. They’ve beaten the Crows three times in Adelaide. They’ve beaten Port three times in Adelaide. They’ve beaten Geelong three times in Geelong. But their bogey ground? Manuka Oval. They’ve only won 40% of their games there. And they play the Suns there next week. Adam Kingsley, it’s now or never.

What does it mean when a team can lose hit outs 70-18, 20 of those to advantage, and still win clearances and the game? AFL fans, help this American understand what she’s missing. Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I am standing outside of CBS Television City. The list of shows that have been filmed here are way too many to mention, but I will tell you that the Price is Right shot here for 52 years, up until last month.

The Tigers proved that accuracy is overrated, kicking at 43% and beating the Swans by 13 points. The Tigers couldn’t match the Tigers in the second half. They got smashed in clearances and handled the wet about as well as a laptop. They won just one center clearance in the second half. What’s up with that? The Tigers sit just two points out of the eight. A position more coveted than the last beer at a barbie. And with games coming up against the Eagles and Hawthorn, the Tiger Army could be on the march in September. Except they’re going to be without Nankervis for at least three weeks. His hit on Lloyd was worse than De Goey’s on Hewett. What the hell was the big Nank thinking? The Tigers have the Dees and the Bulldogs in the next month, which means Brodie Grundy, Max Gawn, and Tim English. And without big Nank facing them, finals for Richmond could be a pipe dream. Sure glad I’m not Big Nank trying to get a coffee on Punt Road right now. 

Collingwood discovered yet another way to win. Lead in the second half. When questioned about the Pie’s new innovative strategy, a Bulldogs representative said, We’re also thinking about trying this new lead in the second half strategy. It could work better than our current one of celebrating each goal as if we just won the game. The Bulldogs came out snarling, kicking 3.1 from their first 7 inside 50s. The Pies eventually scored after 20 minutes thanks to Jamie Elliott. Funny, I think Jamie Elliott would have an easier time scoring. Things went off the rails for the Dogs when they coughed up six goals to one in the third. Things went off the rail for Rory Lobb when he showed up at Marvel. He amassed zero goals, zero marks, and nine disposals, none of which were from inside 50. I mean, what do he and Bevo talk about during the week? Besides that he looks so much better with his natural hair color. Daicos’s N and J were great. Shocking. As were Markov, Pendles, and De Goey. But hottie of the week was Isaac Quaynor, whose intercepting across halfback was… spectacular. The Pies are now a lock for top two and maybe even the flag. You think Round 19 between the Pies and Port’s gonna be big. Wait till Round 28, the Grand Final. 

Melbourne defeated St. Kilda despite being outnumbered by the Saints medical staff. Talk about a war zone. Max King lasted about as long as a Hollywood marriage. Then Seb Ross and Zaine Cordy quickly followed. I heard Jobe Watson say after the game, The Dees won off the back of their ability to defend. Because saying they won off the back of the opposition being down three men, just wouldn’t sound as smart. Christian Pertracca, who had kicked 12.9 for the season and 0.4 in last week’s game, obviously changed his acupuncturist this week, nailing four straight from his 20 disposals. The Trac was awesome. If he can keep going forward and score, he’s going into Dusty territory. It was great to see Jack Steele back to his best for the Saints. As well as Wanganeen-Millera continuing to shine. But for my U. S. dollars, no Saint was sexier than Rowan Marshall. The Dees are now one game clear in fourth spot. While the Saints are fifth, level with the Bulldogs with a slew of teams breathing down their necks. I loved their spirit against the Dees. But if anyone’s gonna drop out of the eight, I think it’s gonna be them. 

It was the Blue’s third straight win by more than 50 points. It was the Dockers worst start to a game all year. The Blues, who were preparing for their annual tradition of watching finals from the couch, now find themselves back in finals contention, which has caused widespread confusion and panic among their fans. They smashed the Eagles by 18 goals in Round 7 at Optus. Then the Dockers by 9 goals, prompting many Blues fans to call for their last 7 games to be played in Perth. Older fans, weathered by 3 decades of disappointment, noted how Carlton’s winning margins in the West have already plummeted by 50% and warned of dark times ahead. Carlton’s best player was their invisible ruckman. They came to Perth with no ruckman to face Sean Darcy and Luke Jackson, and they smashed Freo in the clearances. Freo now have a mountain as big as Sean Darcy they have to climb if they want to make it to the finals. And being the second youngest team in the comp, I’m doubtful they have enough ropes, carabiners, and anchors to make the journey. Yes, I’m doing mountaineering jokes now. I’m very versatile. The Blues irrational fear of ladders is subsiding now that they find themselves just one game outside of the eight. But with games against Port and the Pies in the next three weeks, another fall down the ladder could be in the cards. Oh well, at least they’re not the Eagles.

The Swans kicked at 25% accuracy. The Cats at 37. And AFL fans kicked their TVs at 100% accuracy. Welcome back to AFL from LA. I am your host, Cindye. I am here in downtown Hollywood. The Capitol Records building is right behind me. Legendary artists from Frank Sinatra and Michael Jackson to Paul McCartney and Bob Dylan have all recorded there. It was a round of meh, and a round of holy shit! 

Determined to prove the theory that the bye should be taken out back and shot, Richmond started completely lethargic and only kicked one goal in the first half. This left the AFL scrambling to find new excuses for the bye, and footy fans scrambling to switch over to the Ashes. The loss was Richmond’s biggest since 2016 and ended the three game winning streak under Andrew McQualter. Eagles fans began calling for his sacking and a complete review of the club. Hugh McLuggage and Lachie Neale were stand out performers for the Brisbane Lions. And Joe Daniher kicked five goals. I mean he could have kicked more, but you know, he’s Joe. He’s a strange cat. The win against the Tigers helps with their push for top two. But so what? The grand final is still played at the G. A venue that strikes more fear into Lions’ hearts than a zookeeper with a tranquilizer gun. 

Draws can be exciting games of footy. But not this one. The grand final rematch proved that you can spend hours running around a football field and accomplish absolutely nothing. It was the worst primetime game I’ve seen since, since Thursday. The Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my. The Swans started strong. But then they began missing shots like the bad guys in John Wick. The first quarter alone, they had nine shots on goal for only one conversion. I’m talking to you, Papley, McDonald, Gulden, Amartey. But the worst offender of all was Isaac Heeney. He kicked 0.2, 3 out on the fulls, and clipped both behind posts at one end of the ground. I think we can all agree that the real loser of this game was football itself.

Houston, we do not have a problem. Dan Houston kicked a 55 meter bomb in the wet to crush Essendon’s soul and take the Pear to 12 straight. Talk about a heart stopper, there were 8 lead changes. My Apple Watch counted me watching the game as a workout. If it’s a Port Pies Grand Final and the game is decided by a umpire review after the siren, I don’t know if the MCG, let alone Australians with heart conditions, could take it. I thought the Bombers were really good, even great at times. Merritt, Caldwell, and Phillips led the way, while Ridley nullified Todd Marshall and Kyle Langford kicked three goals. Speaking of goals, Parrish missed two absolute sitters. Two meter Peter was kept to zero. And Wiedeman went goalless again! That’s five games in a row! Sam! Sweetie! What’s going on? With seconds to go, I really thought the Bombers were gonna hold on. But in footy, as in life, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings. Or in this case, Dan Houston takes his kick after the siren. 

And just a quick shout out to my Eagles. You guys showed up and I stayed up till 2.30 in the morning! I couldn’t believe that this was the same team that played last week. You guys showed spirit and effort and I for one was really proud and I’m looking forward to watching this rebuild. 

The Giants came from behind to beat the Dees and to move to one game outside of the eight. Toby Greene, Tom Green, Nick Haynes, Idun, Callum Brown. And what about the other Toby? Toby Bedford! And that clutch goal from 65 meters out by Josh Kelly to win the game! And then it started. “There’s not a statistic Melbourne didn’t win except for on the scoreboard,” said a visibly confused Dermot Brereton. Cam Mooney added, “The Dees were a better side statistically, except for when they were in front of goal.” Footy fans, are you tired of watching a game and knowing who’s winning simply by the scoreboard? Do you long for a more complicated, convoluted way of telling who’s winning? Welcome to the world of AFL stats. These guys throw around stats like confetti at a wedding. Who needs a scoreboard when you have a spreadsheet and a calculator. There’s only one stat that matters. Kicking more goals than your opponent. David King can give you every KPI, every slow motion breakdown of every stoppage. If you can’t kick more goals than your opponent, you lose. Giants kicked 7.5 from 46 inside 50s. The Demons kicked 5.15 from 73. Spare me the Fox Footy Lab, gentlemen. The Dees have now kicked 12, 13, 18, 15, and 15 behinds from their last 5 games. And they haven’t scored 80 plus points since round 9. If this isn’t pear-shaped, I don’t know what is.

Eric Hipwood tried a daring new strategy called “kicking straight,” and he nailed four goals. It’s this innovative thinking that has been missing from his game all year. Rumor has it all teams are now starting to explore this new strategy of kicking more goals than points. Fascinating. 

Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I am here in West Hollywood in front of the world famous Troubadour. It was the first place that Elton John ever played in the United States. And it was one of the few places that John Lennon got kicked out of for being too drunk. 

It was the Rohan Rampage, first taking out his own teammate, and then taking out the entire Melbourne team. He kicked three goals, and what ahead of hair on that guy? Do you know how many women would kill for that hair color? The Cats trailed by seven goals at three quarter time, and then when on to kick six in a row. I heard that Chris Scott said there’d be no more feline treats unless they pulled off the win. Works with my cats. Tanner Bruhn and Brad Close led the way for the Cats, causing thousands of football fans to frantically Google their names. The Dees seemed interested in kicking the ball pretty much anywhere except between the big sticks. They’ve now kicked 8.13, 8.18, and 8.15 in their last three games. It seems like the Demons have gone pear-shaped the last five weeks. Clayton Oliver?! Clayton Oliver? Anyone? 

Back-to-back losses for the Saints. For the first time this year, they’ve now lost four out of their last six games. Despite Ross the Boss’s halftime adjustments, which included a PowerPoint presentation called, “Scoring: A How-to Guide,” the Saints just couldn’t pull it together. The last time the Saints won a flag, the Beach boys were at the top of the charts. Other things that happened in 1966: the mini skirt was invented and Batman premiered on tv. I really feel for Saints supporters. Hi, Eric. I mean, there are 57 year olds that have never seen their team win a flag. For the Lions, it was a solid team performance at their home away from home. They monstered the Saints around the ball, and they won the territory game. The Lions are so hard to read. They’ve won their last seven of eight at Marvel, but they’ve lost 12 straight at the MCG. Until they can break the MCG hoodoo they’re just making up the numbers in the top four. 

Dockers won a first quarter! That’s right, Freo discovered that pressure isn’t just something you put in tires. I mean there’s the Freo Dockers and then there’s the Sean Darcy Dockers. Pull out your checkbooks, Freo, and re-sign Mount Darcy right now. He is to Freo what Nic Nat is to the Eagles. Was to the Eagles. Ugh. Eagles. With Mount Everest in the team, Brayshaw and Serong start getting 60 plus disposals. And Action Jackson gets to go to town, playing wherever the hell he wants. I’m saying it here and now. Forget Grundy/Gawn, Darcy/Jackson is the most lethal big man combo in the comp. Freo, lose Sean Darcy at your own peril. For the Bombers, Peter Wright was kept goalless by Alex Pearce. And it’s the fourth game in a row that Sam Weideman hasn’t kicked a single goal. In fact, the Bombers didn’t even have a single multiple goal kicker. The win against the Bombers was not Freo’s best. But it was a huge step up from last week. And with a winnable game coming up against the Bulldogs, the old heave ho might be back on track. 

Who needs Netflix when you’ve got Collingwood? I mean, that second half was the best game of football I’ve seen since, since the last time Collingwood played Adelaide. Adelaide once again made the fatal mistake of leading at three quarter time. Collingwood just shrugged and said, hold our beers while we snatch this. I heard one Crows fan say that they lost to Collingwood just to keep Port off the top of the ladder. And then I heard others blaming the umpire. Look, Crows fans, I feel for you. But the umpires did not make you kick 11 and 14 behinds. If you had kicked straight, you would have won. Jordan Dawson, in Game 100, was as epic as I’ve ever seen him. He should play his 100th every week. While Nick Daicos racked up his usual 37 disposals and a crucial final term goal. 5 goals from Big Tex Walker put him one goal ahead in the race for the Coleman. While 2 goals from the other Tex, big Texan Mason Cox, helped ice Collingwood’s win and started a good old fashioned melee. God I love me some push and shove. The Crows have now lost their last three games against Collingwood by a total of eight points. The Heart Foundation is now calling for a boycott of all Collingwood Adelaide games, in the interest of public safety. Public safety be damned, I say. Put Adelaide Collingwood games on every Friday night and keep the cardiologists in business.