AFL from LA

What the hell is going on with this dangerous tackle nonsense? Jarrod Berry got reported for that? I heard he got off, but seriously, why did the umpire even pull out the book for that? And three weeks for Rhyan Mansell? And three weeks for James Sicily? If things keep going this way, AFL’s gonna be a knitting circle by the end of the season.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m in Utah! I had to come out for the weekend. I’m standing here in front of the State Capitol in Salt Lake City. I considered taking a bye. I mean, if the players get one, why can’t I? But I was gonna miss you guys too much, so I decided to do a shorter version of the show. AFL from LA “On the Road.” 

Geelong versus Quinton Narkle’s hair. Are Port managing to fit a hairstylist into their soft cap? I mean, this golden Patrick Swayze-esque, luscious locks just blowing the wind. 11 in a row for the Power. Or as I’ve been told, the "Pear." Thank you for teaching me the Australian pronunciation, my Port Adelaide friends.Port are for real. Their seven gold third quarter blew the Cats outta the park and showed the difference between a top eight team and a top two team. To win a flag, you need a core of your team having career-best seasons. Safe to say, guys like Finlayson, Powell-Pepper, Butters, even Houston are doing just that. Once again, Jeremy Cameron went missing. He looked like he was looking for a contact lens on the field more than playing a game of footy. I think Chris Scott was actually thinking the same thing as me. Did you see that spray he gave him at three quarter time? Ouch. Big shout out to Patrick Dangerfield, who suffered a cracked rib and a collapsed lung and continued to play. When Americans ask me how tough AFL is, I point to stuff like this, and they always say the same thing, “No padding?!” So I’m saying it here and now, it’s gonna be a Port Pies grand final. Ooh, port pies. That sounds yummy. 

Brisbane versus the goal posts. Brisbane kicked 13.19 against the Swans in a showdown of mediocrity. Talk about another primetime snooze fest. Who knew Friday night games could be so boring? Sure, the Swans showed some grit and tenacity and managed to stay in the game against the top 4 team, but if Brisbane had kicked straight, that game would’ve been over way sooner. And are the Lions a top 4 team? They did enough to get the win, but still not enough to get the stink off from last week. And yeah, they haven’t lost a game all year at the GABBA, but they haven’t done enough to convince anyone that they’re a flag contender. 

Before I get to my third hot take, I just wanna give a shout out to the Blues fans. Welcome back to the winner’s circle, Carlton! 

The Giants emerged victorious with a score of 16.10 to Freo’s participation certificate, 5.6. The Giants did their best Collingwood impression, bringing finals-like intensity, and never taking their foot off their opposition’s throats for all four quarters. It was Freo’s biggest loss under J Lo, almost 12 goals. That’s the same number of first quarters they’ve lost this season. Memo to J Lo. The strategy of losing first quarters is daring, but it’s not working. You guys start slower than a semi in a snow storm. Conversely, it was GWS’s best performance of the year, especially Hottie the Week, Greene. No, I mean, hottie the week Kelly. No Brown. Hottie of the week Riccardi. They all starred! Freo can’t welcome back Sean Darcy soon enough. And their forward line can’t welcome back some more Luke Jackson soon enough. It’s the difference between their best, which is as good as anyone’s in the comp, and they’re worst that really concerns me. The Giants have had their most consistent year ever under Adam Kingsley. And with their youth and top end talent, they’re going to be the team to watch in 2024. The Giants have kind of stolen my heart. So I’m hoping to be in Australia next year, and Giants Stadium, you’re on my agenda.

Zak Butters is the best player in the competition. Look, I love Nick Daicos. I had him at number one. But Butters is the complete footballer. Elite skill, two-way running, will to win, and tough as. He had Libba the legend scratching and clawing at him and he still found a way. Butters may look like my high school English teacher, but I think the Brownlow is his to lose.

Hello, friends. Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I am standing across the street from Akbar, which is a local favorite here in Los Angeles. Pride month is in full swing, and as you can see behind me, they are lining up to get it. 

Brisbane Lions, if you’re sick of hearing about how you can’t win at the MCG, here’s an idea. Win. You guys haven’t won a home and away game there since 2014. Talk about kryptonite. Brisbane’s lack of defensive run was on full display again. Lazy. Apart from Josh Dunkley, it looked like the rest of the midfield was perfectly happy to win contested ball and then stop for a flat white. Full credit to the young Hawks, though, whose transition from back 50 to forward 50 was absolutely blistering. I’m loving young players like Newcombe and Worpel, who turned the game around in the second half. Once again, the knives are sharpening for Chris Fagan. I mean, he’s a class act, but I do not see how he’s gonna survive another failed run at finals. Damien Hardwick, anyone? 

Thursday night football is back, folks. The game was a great advertisement for rugby, cricket, curling, pretty much any other sport other than Aussie Rules Football. A big congratulations to Buddy Franklin, who played his 350th game. But Saints Defender Callum Wilkie crashed the party like a drunk uncle at a wedding, keeping the champ to only two goals and just six disposals. The Saints, led by Owen, Phillipou, and Wanganeen-Milera, brought a level of pressure that the Swans just couldn’t match. It seems like the Swans have escaped the scrutiny of the media this year. They were grand finalists last year, and they have completely fallen off a cliff. I think they have Carlton to thank for that. Poor Blues.

I thought Richmond weren’t supposed to win close games? That’s now two in a row. What does caretaker Coach McQualter know that Hardwick didn’t? Are we now calling him Andrew McClose-one? But seriously, Shai Bolton. What a second half. Maybe the most clutch performance I’ve seen all year. The pressure from both teams was huge. It was a much needed pallet cleanser to the Eagles replay I had to suffer through. The Tiger’s ability to weather the Docker’s first quarter pressure was impressive. And Freo’s second half comeback had me jumping up and down in my seat. And how awesome was it to see Dustin Martin and Nat Fyfe lining up against each other in the middle? Bolton, Martin, Taranto, and Prestia. They were just too good. They relished the conditions and they took the pressure to insane levels. And how the hell do you beat a team with Martin and Bolton playing that well? But I think the most head turning thing was seeing the free kick count at three quarter time. Richmond only had three free kicks. Are we saying that one team only infringed three times during three quarters? And in those conditions? Maybe I’m just an American still learning the game, but I’m struggling with the umpiring this year. I hate to criticize, cuz I’m sure they’re doing their best, but man, has this game just gotten too hard to umpire? Or is there just too much room for interpretation? Let me know. 

10 in a row for port and nine in a row at Marvel. Are we now calling it Marvel-aide Oval? Ken Hinkley has gone from untenable to 10-in-a-row-able. What a game. I mean, with 10 minutes to go, it was anybody’s. But once again, Butters, Rozee, and Horne-francis found that gear. The Bulldogs were super competitive, winning disposals and stoppages, and kicking straighter than previous weeks. The way Jamarra is leading and threatening to mark just about everything is super exciting. But Port’s ball movement was just too fast and too precise. Cody Weightman, you are not helping your team by taking a dive at every single contest. The umpires are not falling for it anymore. You’re so talented and you’d be giving your forward line the much needed bite they need if you could just stay on your feet and stay in the contest. Come on. 

Welcome back 2 Meter Peter. And welcome to the bottom four, Carlton. The Blues look defeated. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I feel bad for Carlton fans, who have to suffer through this every week. And I’m an Eagles supporter! I heard Brian Cook say that Michael Voss will be with them until the end of his contract. That’s Carlton speak for, “He’ll be gone next Monday.” But again, is it really Voss’s fault? His system got the ball inside 50 nearly 60 times. Was he supposed to go kick the goals too? Essendon fixed their board problems and cleaned house. Maybe it’s time for Carlton to do the same. Credit to the Dons, though. They won clearances, tackle count, and the scoreboard. Nic Martin continues to star, and Peter Wright could be a top 10 key forward. And Durham, Perkins, and Hobbs are crushing it. The second youngest team beat a team with two Coleman medalists, one Brownlow medalist, and five All Australians. And at sixth on the ladder, top four is a real possibility for the Dons. Is this Baby Bombers 2.0?

What is with all these primetime games for Carlton? They’ve played eight so far this season and they’ve got six more. Really, AFL? Are you trying to ruin everybody’s Friday and Saturday nights?

Hi, and welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I’m here at the world famous Paramount Studios on Melrose Avenue. Some of the most exciting games of this round came from teams outside of the eight. Geelong, GWS, Richmond, Suns, North Melbourne, even the Eagles! I, for one, would like to see more of these games broadcast at primetime. Anyway, here are my hot takes for Round 12. 

The skills on display were pre-season level. Or is that insulting to pre-season? Melbourne should have kicked straight. They could have won by five goals, maybe even more, but of course they didn’t. They kicked at 38% accuracy. Carlton’s goal tallies from the last few weeks have been 8, 6, 7, and 8. And that’s with two Coleman medalists on their team. Sure, Mckay kicked three, but did you see what happened when he tried to kick a drop punt? And that snap from 40 out? Enough already. There has to be a goal kicking camp, college, something. These guys are full-time professionals, they’re getting paid big bucks, and they can’t execute a basic skill of the game. And look, stop calling from Michael Voss’s head. The Blues had talented lists under Teague, Bolton, Ratten, and Malthouse, and nothing was different. Maybe it’s time to start pointing the finger someplace else. 

The Eagles were in front for a glorious 4 minutes and 36 seconds! It was the closest 10 goal win I’ve ever seen. For two whole quarters, and with three players down, the Eagles had the better of the best team in the comp. Full credit to the Pies, though, they’re number one for a reason and they did what they had to in the end. So the Pies are about to lose their star midfielder, dirty De Goey, who added another tattoo to his left arm: a permanent imprint of Elijah Hewett’s face. His hit on the 18-year-old was disgraceful, but I gotta ask, where was the Eagle’s response? Only a single player, Greg Clark, confronted De Goey. I shudder to think what a John Worsfold or Beau Waters would’ve done. De Goey would’ve been looking over his shoulder for the rest of the game. This is a real shame. Not only is Hewett concussed and is going to miss at least one game, but De Goey was playing career best football. He’s cost himself a shot at the Brownlow and has compromised Collingwood’s best 22. The only question now is: how many weeks will he be spending in Bali?

Who said Richmond aren’t supposed to win close games? And who said GWS will finish last? Talk about entertaining, that game was a ripper! I’m showing all of my American friends this one as an example of why AFL is the best game in the world. The Giants had an incredible 70 inside fifties compared to Richmond’s 47. But their efficiency inside 50 was only at 47% compared to Richmond at 66%, thanks to Jack Riewoldt, who thought it was 2016 all over again, taking eight marks and kicking five goals. I mean, apart from one big loss to Collingwood, GWS has been the most competitive team outside the eight. Kingsley has them playing four quarter football, which is something they’ve never been able to do. They’re clearly playing for him. And with all the youth coming up, I’m really excited. Orange beasts. 

The Bulldogs kicked straight. Straight to Tom Stewart, that is. All day. The Bulldogs won every stat against the Cats except for the one that counts the most, goal kicking. Inaccuracy, once again, cost a team a game. Jamarra and Naughton are both averaging less than two goals a game. And it seems they’re always leading to a pocket or kicking from too far out. Is this a leading patterns thing or simply where the midfielders are delivering the ball? Either way, it’s not holding up and it’s not gonna hold up in September. And Rory Lobb? Rory Lobb …

From a 35 point deficit to a 25 point win, what a turnaround for the Gas Balls. I mean, the Suns! Crows fans, sure, the umpiring was bad, but here’s something this American has learned: if you let a team kick nine consecutive goals against you, you lose. After halftime, it was 10 scoring shots to 22. Seems the Crows have a problem with clearances when they’re playing away from home. Are the Crows punching above their weight at home this year? Will it cost them a spot in the eight? Jack Lukosius was red hot again, kicking five. And I just love saying his name, Lukosius. Matty Rowell put on a Superman cape again—the Crows probably wished they had SPF 50 for that Sun. I really hope the Suns keep Stewie Dew. It’s obvious that the players are really giving their all for him, even when they’re six goals down. I’m betting the win keeps Caroline Wilson quiet. She’s had Stewie getting sacked since Clarko left Hawthorn in ’21. The Suns are now four from four in Darwin since Covid. They’ve gotta be lobbying for more games there, as this place could be a real fortress for them. And if they beat the Blues at the G in their next game, they’ve got a real shot at finals. Go Gas Balls!

GWS are now lobbying AFL to relocate them to Kardinia Park. They’ve won three of their last three games there. 10 clubs have not won in Geelong in the last 15 years. What does GWS know that they don’t? Welcome to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I’m here in front of Prospect Studios. Fun fact, they used to shoot “General Hospital” here. 

Carlton’s promising start to the season has faded faster than a politician’s promise. They had 60 inside fifties for only six goals. That’s as efficient as, well, Carlton in round 1, 2, 3, 6, 9 an 10. Curnow and Mckay combined for 1.6. Charlie started strong, playing higher up the ground and taking some great marks. But Harry, whew, he looked lost, kind of like a vegan at a steakhouse. Since his new contract, his accuracy is only at 34%. Pre-contract, he was kicking at 52%. Does Harry have a fetish [00:01:00] for behinds? Cripps had only 19 touches, while Sydney’s Chad Warner had 29 and two goals. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom for the Blues. Walsh had 31 disposals and eight inside fifties, and Jacob Weitering kept Buddy goalless. Full credit to Sydney, though. They stood up when it counted most, led by Warner, Gulden, and Nick Blakey. Man, he was zipping down the field like a teenager who was just given the keys to their father’s car. Once again, the heat’s coming for Michael Voss. But hey, it took Ted Lasso three years. 

Luke. Action. Jackson. Melbourne must have felt like they were seeing their ex at a party with someone new and realizing that they were hotter than ever. Even more impressive was the fact that after Sean Darcy did his hamstring, Jackson was forced to take on Gawn and Grundy on his own, and he beat them both. That’s right. He beat Grundy and Gawn on his own. Freo’s forward line is looking really promising. Treacy is growing every week. Keanu, I mean Banfield, is really stepping up, and Jye Amiss, is this guy the Pavlich replacement that Freo has been looking for? Freo have delivered once again on the big stage, taking a top four scalp at the G, and proving they are finals contenders. 

Is GMHBA Stadium now GWSGMB … Greater Western Sydney, without Sam Taylor, Josh Kelly, Harry Himmelberg, and Nick Haynes beat Geelong in Geelong. Superstar and Hotty of the Week, hotty of every week, really, Toby Greene played his 200th game. There was no way these guys were gonna lose on his 200th game. That signals to me respect for their captain. And as a captain and a leader, you either have it or you don’t, and Toby Greene has it. Man, not only did the Giants withstand the Cat’s last quarter fight back, they kept going. Adam Kingsley just told them to just play like their lives depended on it. And they never stopped fighting and they never stopped trying to score. Whitfield, Green, and Ward were all awesome, as were Daniels, Riccardi, and Hogan. And let’s not forget Idun down back. And what about Briggs in the ruck? The plus side for Geelong was the debut of Irishman, Mullin. There were four Irishmen out on an AFL field. The last time four irishmen played on an AFL field, it was a U2 concert. 

Pissed off by all the attention Darcy Moore received last week, James Sicily decided to one up him and play perhaps the best game of his career. Sicily had 15 disposals in the last quarter alone. And a one game suspension for belting Caminiti. Is James Sicily the new Darcy Moore? Will Darcy Moore respond by getting 50 disposals next week? The Hawks outplayed the Saints for three quarters. The way they move the ball does not reflect a team sitting at 16th on the ladder. If this is tanking, then Sam Mitchell is doing a terrible job. Adam Simpson, on the other hand, he’s doing just fine. Harley Reid, anyone? 

Is South Australian football now the most watchable in the competition, with Rashele, Rankin, Rozee, Horne-Francis, Butters. I am just loving it. Rankin was amazing. 23 disposals. 16 contested, and two goals. Adelaide’s law firm of Dawson, Keays, and Laird smashed Brisbane’s midfield. And Rory Laird laid 16 tackles. Who does this guy think he is? Matt Rowell? And Keays managed to tag Lachie Neale out of the game in the first half. What was crazy was the Crow’s efficiency. They kicked 14.11 from just 47 inside fifties. Brisbane, on the other hand, looked like they had Curnow and Mckay in their forward line. I’m not sure if Brisbane can go all the way this year. They’ve got the talent, but they clearly have an aversion to winning anywhere outside of the GABBA. And Joe Daniher, he’s the most hot and cold player out there. The Crows, on the other hand, they responded to a bad loss to the Bulldogs. They’ve got the top end talent, and the grunt in the middle to go places this September. Look out.

If you had told me that Port, missing, Dixon, Marshall, and Rioli, were gonna beat Melbourne, I would’ve told you that the Eagles were gonna win the flag this year. And I probably wouldn’t have put that hundred down on the demons. 

Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. Sir Doug Nicholls Round. I mean, I couldn’t get enough of it. The jumpers, the painted shoes, the ceremony. Sad that I gotta wait another year for that to come around again. So here are my hot takes for Round 10. 

Freo has now won three in a row and has kicked over a 100 points in each game. Freo’s midfield are mauling opposition midfields. Without Dangerfield and Cam Guthrie, it was like the Cats had been declawed. And for the second week in a row, Jeremy Cameron went missing. While the delivery to Tom Hawkins was more like the Eagles delivery to Oscar Allen down in Tassie. Freo have made the switch to fast ball movement, which has allowed them to have quality inside 50s. And with jets like Young and Frederick providing outside run, J Lo has no excuses for not being able to make a run at finals. Flagmantle, anybody? 

Essendon finally stood up and said, Nobody puts baby in a corner! Wait, that’s not right. Nobody beats us 14 times in a row. Credit to big time players, Tippa and Stringer, for coming alive in the last quarter. Merrett was best on ground with 39 disposals, 7 tackles, and 5 clearances. Brad Scott, why is he so grumpy? Richmond has now lost nine and drawn three of their last twelve close games. Does that make them the most un-clutch team of the competition? I think Richmond’s season is over and I think the rest of the comp is breathing a sigh of relief that they won’t have to meet them in September. 

Melbourne needs to be reminded that the game is played over four quarters and not just one. And there’s this little guy named Zak Butters that they might wanna put a little work into. Butters played one of the best games I think this American has ever seen. He took on perhaps the best midfield in the game, in the rain, and destroyed them. I’m not sure why Melbourne went into this game as favorites. They’ve only played 2 top eight teams. They lost to one of them and they would’ve lost to Gold Coast if it wasn’t for such terrible umpiring. And if Melbourne lose to Freo this week at the G, they should definitely be behind Collingwood, Brisbane, and Port Adelaide for flag contenders. Port have now become as entertaining as the Pies to watch. They nullified May and Lever, keeping Melbourne to just 41 marks, the lowest ever under Simon Goodwin. Does this mean Hinkley gets his contract extension? “Ken” more years? Do we get to watch more of his little happy dance? 

Onto what promised to be the blockbuster game of the round, Hawthorn versus Eagles. I mean, Carlton versus Collingwood. Collingwood possess this rare, magical thing called Darcy Moore. Moore was best on ground, with 25 disposals, 10 contested, and 11 intercept marks. It’s an AFL record! I heard Michael Voss was about to make another excuse during the postgame and apparently Darcy Moore intercepted that. The Blues clearly thought that Moore was wearing a Carlton jumper, as they were kicking everything to him. Likewise, they thought McKay was wearing a Collingwood jumper, as they kicked hardly anything to him. Carlton just couldn’t handle the Pie’s pressure and they couldn’t win the ball at the source. I was constantly yelling out, Who’s Defending?! Pendles and Sidebottom had 20 uncontested possessions. In the first quarter! Sidebottom, by the way, is a freak of nature. He’s played 300 games and he covers the ground like a 20 year old. I’m already looking forward to his 400th. Collingwood now have a two week bye. And by bye, I mean they play North Melbourne and then the Eagles. Carlton plays Sydney and then Melbourne. And even if they come away with four points against the Swans, it’s hard to see them challenging the Dees.

So can somebody tell me when Toby Greene gets out of “umpire jail”? I mean, does his head have to be completely decapitated from his body before the umpires give him a free kick? He gave a player on the other team a little love tap on the elbow and he was penalized. I’d like to know how long it’s gonna last, because I wanna mark it on my calendar. 

And West Coast Eagles. Each week, it seems to get more and more painful. And I’m not sure who it’s hardest for. The players? Is it the fans? The coaches? After watching the press conference, I think Adam Simpson. I think his spirit’s broken. I think it’s time to take some drastic measures and I think it’s time to hire a witch doctor to get the curse removed.

North Melbourne, those kids are pretty great. They could have won that game against Sydney. And this crazy interchange penalty, that was, I mean, should that have cost them the game? Couldn’t they have been fined instead? And what about that ridiculous kick against Todd Goldstein in the end? North, they got a raw deal.

What is going on in Carlton? Carlton had 29 inside 50s in the first half and only scored a single goal, and that’s with Curnow and McKay up forward. It’s like having an all you can eat buffet and only eating the breadsticks. Is it the coach’s fault? I think so. They clearly have the talent, but not the system.

Welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. I need to give some props to Jack darling. Listen, I know he’s not living his best footy life at the moment, but he fractured his arm and he played the rest of the game. That’s some like next level shit. So, JD, I hope you heal well and we hope you get back to playing your best footie ever. So here are my hot takes for Round 9.

Blues have now lost four of their last five games. The only time they looked exciting is when they threw the game plan out the window and went fast. They kicked six goals in a row and the Bulldogs could do nothing about it. Cripps, once again, just completely disappeared against a good midfield. He had zero tackles, zero. He’s not running both ways. He’s not being accountable. Blues have Collingwood in Melbourne in the next three weeks, which could completely crush their finals hopes. The Bulldogs, on the other hand, could totally match it against Brisbane, Melbourne, the Pies. They have a real shot at top four.

The Tigers resorted to an ancient strategy called pressure. They forced Geelong to kick the worst I’ve seen all year. Their delivery to Tom Hawkins was absolute crap, and the Tigers scored 10 goals from turnovers. The Cats forward pressure with Rohan and Stengle out was non-existent. If you give a team like Richmond time and space to exit D50, they will slice right through you. Another thing that put Geelong under pressure was the umpiring. I hear you can never blame an umpire for a loss, but as an American, I really think you can. Cats were missing nine of their best 22 players, including Dangerfield and Cam Guthrie. I think the result might have been a bit different if they had those two beasts on the field. But I’m not writing off Geelong. With the number of players they have coming back, I still think they’re a contender for top four. 

For the first time this season, Freo looks like they have a forward line. Treacy, Amiss, and Jackson kicked seven goals between them and Lachie Schultz kicked four. How amazing is this guy, squeezes every ounce out of himself, competes, tackles, and gets the job done. Luke Jackson had his second great game in a row. And let’s talk about Treacy’s work up the ground, six marks, four tackles, and he’s played his best game that I’ve seen from him so far. But Sean Darcy is the beast who started it all. 9 clearances and 44 hit outs. If Freo can keep this up, they may be able to make a run at the finals. Swans, on the other hand, have lost their best three defenders, their home field advantage, and their edge. They’re gonna miss out on the top eight. Sorry, Bloods.

The Crows jumped back into the eight. They kicked their highest score under Matty Nick’s, while the Saints suffered their biggest loss under Ross Lyon. Tex Walker kicked five goals and is aging like a fine Barossa Cabernet. He’s nearly unstoppable one-on-one. Luke Pedlar, not only is he a gun forward, but he’s a bull in the midfield. Plus, they had 12 individual goal scorers. And Adelaide’s ball movement is three dimensional. They can run and carry, they can hit short targets by foot, and they can go long down the line to reliable targets. Matty Nicks, he’s created a real winning system. Unlike the Saints, who have a good defense but struggle to kick a score. If you’re going to challenge for the flag, you have to be elite at both. I think Adelaide are. 

I’m trying to find a weakness in Collingwood’s game. I just can’t. And they’re doing it all without their number one ruckman or a true key forward. How do they get so many players around the ball all the time? And whether they go down the line, run and carry, go through the corridor, run backwards, walk on their hands, never looks like they’re gonna turn the ball over. Nick Daicos gathered a lazy 41 disposals, while Jordan De Goey continued to dominate. Is De Goey the new Dusty? Let me know in the comments. My fellow American, Mason Cox, surely made his mother proud this Mother’s Day. 25 hit outs, 19 disposals, 9 marks, and 2 goals. Cox is approaching his 100th AFL game. I mean, what a story. GWS never stopped trying, but their skills just weren’t up to it. Feels as though the gap between their top five and their bottom five players is significant. If you’re not clean, you turn over the ball, and that’s deadly against a team like Collingwood. Collingwood have an away game against Carlton next week at the G. I don’t know how they’re gonna handle the travel. I’m guessing the Blues are not going to sleep much this week, while the Pies, they’re gonna be weighing up how late in the game to win it. One thing is absolutely certain after round 9, the Pies have one hand on the Premiership Cup, and I don’t know if Brisbane or the Dees can keep them from getting their second hand on it in September.

What is this epidemic with inaccuracy in front of goal? Do kids grow up not practicing set shots anymore? Does everyone just wanna kick around the corner? I don’t get it, because it seems if you kick straight, you win.

Hello, and welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. We’re back here in beautiful Beverly Hills on this very windy yet sunny day. We’re on Santa Monica Boulevard. Rodeo Drive’s just a couple blocks away. What a great weekend. There were some great games. There was a lot of movement in the competition. Essendon and Adelaide both fell out of the top eight this week, but do not count them out. Big questions over umpiring and goal kicking inaccuracy—it gets worse every week. But anyway, onto my hot takes for Round 8.

Carlton fans may have left at three quarter time, but they stayed longer than the players. Carlton fans, I feel for you. The most talked about team in the media and they’re chronic underperformers. It’s like they need a collective Viagra. They have some real players—Walsh, Curnow, Cripps, sexy Saad. But I have to ask, are any Carlton players taking a step forward this year? I mean, is Cripps really at the same level as the Bont? As Oliver? Neale? And then it seems the gap between their best players and their role players is huge. I was thinking that maybe the Carlton team needs to be tested for color blindness. See, you guys are blue, but you kept kicking it to the red. How can you win if you kick it to a Brisbane player every time you come out of defense? Josh Dunkley not only was best on ground, but he’s Hottie of the Week. 33 disposals, 14 contested, 13 tackles, 6 clearances, and a super scalp, Patrick Cripps.

Umpires 13.12 defeated Gold Coast 13.7. I feel robbed, and they’re not even my team. With 20 seconds to go, McPherson had a chance at winning and he missed. People! Inaccuracy! You cannot win games if you can’t score goals. Gold Coast were super impressive. They were matching it with the Dees for all four quarters, and that was without hotties Weller and Miller. Stewie Dew would be super proud and he’d also be, as you Aussies would say, spewing, because the Suns whipped the Dees in many key stats. He’d also be super spewing because of the horrible umpiring. Ugh! They were robbed. I mean that free kick to Melbourne when the margin was only eight points, and Swallow being held and not being paid, and Chol being bumped out of the marking contest in the dying moments. It truly seems like umpiring is getting worse. Am I wrong? Do I not know the game well enough? Let me know in the comments.

Adelaide had a few problems. Fogarty was not at his best, Rashele was quiet, but the Crows, with five 20 year-olds on the team, never gave up. To be in it with a chance of winning with three minutes left is the very definition of an honorable loss. So biggest issue, quite frankly, was the umpiring. Controversial non-calls to Keays and Pedlar could have cost them the game. But Geelong—they were too skilled, too experienced, and too attractive to the umpires. In all seriousness, though, Geelong supporters should be very proud. Despite constantly being called pensioners, Geelong is proving over and over and over that they’re contenders for the flag. And here’s hoping that Paddy Dangerfield’s hamstring injury is minor, minor, minor. Adelaide ended Geelong’s 120 plus scoring streak, they came within 20 seconds of beating Collingwood last week, and they came within a couple of umpiring calls of beating Geelong this week. Are the Crows the real deal? Yes, I think they’re the real deal. There, I said it.

So a better performance this week by the Eagles, and a great fight from GWS, who ultimately could not beat Bontempelli and Tim English, I mean the Bulldogs. But the bigger story this week was the Docker’s return to the winners list. Freo won their first 1st quarter this season. And Luke Jackson finally had an impressive game. And Hallelu, Andy Bradshaw is back to his 2022 form. The biggest story of the game was Nat Fyfe’s return. Number 7 is back! He scored a goal. He had 10 disposals. He had three scoring assists. I’m really curious to see how much midfield time he’s gonna get from here on out. Even if he can get back to 60%, it will allow Brayshaw and Serong to really go to town. But this is what I don’t understand, and maybe you guys would be so kind to explain it to the American, how is it possible that the Hawks were beating Freo in center clearances and they were still down by five goals at halftime? Let me know in the comments.

Port dug deep this week to overcome the ever improving Essendon, in a thriller of a match. But my attention went to Collingwood versus Sydney at the G. Sydney decided to experiment this week by letting the Pies be ahead at three quarter time. It didn’t work. But geez, it would’ve helped if Sydney actually kicked straight. Last week, Adelaide against the Pies, this week, the Swans against the Pies. Sydney totally dominated the 3rd quarter and didn’t kick a single goal. And they only kicked one for the entire second half. The big Texan really helped the Pie’s structure. He’s just so hard to match up against, and he’s a target down the line or up front. And Mihocek’s soccer goal on the line—oh my God! How great was it to see him finally kick five goals? I’m not sure what to think of Sydney at this point. Sure, they’ve got injuries and their goal kicking has been woeful, but they’re just not showing signs of being a contender. Collingwood, on the other hand, seems to be THE contender.

Toby frigging Greene. I mean, oh my God. I was watching this game in the middle of the night and I swear to God, I woke up the entire neighborhood. His ability to win the contest at the most crucial moments is ridiculous. Even Dermott called it. He said, You better watch Toby here. GW S’S last four wins against Sydney were won by 1 point, 1 point, 2 points, and 2 points. I advise anybody with a heart condition to not watch the next Battle of the Bridge.

Hi, and welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye, and as you can see, I’m standing outside of the Greek Theatre. It’s an awesome, awesome spot. And if you’re ever in town, I highly recommend you see a show at this location. You won’t regret it. Was it just me or is 2023 like the most competitive season to date? There are five teams that have 20 or more points. If your favorite team is not going to be a contender, Eagles, and then your second favorite team is also in the dumps, Fremantle, then you can just sit back and watch it and relax and enjoy everything as it unfolds. So anyway, here are my hot takes for round seven.

Charlie Curnow 9.3 (57) defeated the Eagles 6.8 (44). Eagles fans, tired of honorable losses, were finally served a dishonorable loss. North Melbourne fans cheered with delight as Eagles took the mantle for the worst team in the competition. Round seven last year, Eagles lost by 109 to Richmond to go to the bottom of the ladder. Round seven this year, they lost by 108 to Carlton, also at home, to go to the bottom of the ladder. Where is the progress? But props to Carlton, who had a great week, and hopefully they can parlay that win into more wins in the coming weeks.

Eight in a row for Port at Marvel Stadium. They’re gonna start asking to have the Showdown played there every year. Port are looking rock solid. They’ve won four in a row, with a 5-2 record. They beat the Saints and the umpires, with the free kick count at 28-14. Is there something wrong here? They also had less disposals, marks, stoppages, and inside 50s, and they still won. And what is with the boos for Jason Horne Francis? I mean, what has he ever done to you, St. Kilda? St. Kilda were five and one going into round seven last year, and they were five and one going into round seven this year. Think I’ve seen this movie before.

So, Freo’s ball movement in the first quarter was a huge improvement. And if they could have converted, they might have been able to put some score on the board and put some pressure on Brisbane. But the result became as predictable as their inside 50s. Seems they just don’t have the skills to execute a fast game plan, and they got smashed at clearances again. And without big targets to kick to, what’s the point? I mean, where’s Josh Treacy? With Luke Jackson not really firing yet and Taberner out injured, Treacy must be in line for a recall. The upside, though, Michael Walters kicked the goal of the year,
Hayden Young continues to shine, and Matt Johnson could be a real player. But Freo have now lost 11 first quarters in a row. 11. That’s a trend that cannot continue.

So the geriatric men of Geelong did what they had to do to stop the ever improving Essendon. The Hawks showed spirit again, this time against the Bulldogs, while the Suns, without Touk Miller, pissed off half of Victoria by beating the Tigers. But the game of the round and probably 2023 was Collingwood’s win against Adelaide. The Crows led for 99.9% of the game, but Collingwood, doing what they do, came back from behind to snatch victory with 20 seconds left. 20 seconds. It was Collingwood’s best come from behind win since, well since last Tuesday. To win after a five day break, on the road, against a quality team and the worst umpiring I’ve seen all year, that is crazy good. Adelaide went super defensive at the beginning of the last, and they got smashed around the ball. They started to play not to lose, and they needed to play to win. 15 behinds in the first three quarters absolutely killed the Crows. I think if they’d actually kicked straight, this might have been a very different result. So, are the Crows the real deal? They were winning for 99.9% of that game. They just might be.

Here’s hoping that the grandpa Cats forget to take their naps and that Collingwood does not have to come from behind again. Because I don’t think any of our hearts can take it.

Hello and welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye, and I’m here in front of Marshall High School, which many of you might recognize from various TV shows and movies such as Grease, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Nightmare on Elm Street. So ANZAC Round. As of right now, there are two games left to play in the round, but who had St. Kilda, Adelaide, and Essendon on their Bingo card? I mean, who thought they would be top four? So here are my hot takes for round six.

Former Docker, Rory Lobb, facing off against his old team was an AFL grudge match to rival the Real Housewives of Melbourne. Freo fans relentlessly booed him while the players belted him and messed up his hair. After the game, Bulldog’s coach, Luke Beveridge, said that Rory handled the pressure like a champ. More like a chomp who froze up and kicked 1.3. Freo coach, Justin Longmuir, said that the focus on Rory was not the reason for the loss. No shit. It was the game plan. Or lack thereof. Uh, hello, didn’t we talk about this last week? Freo moved the ball way too slow out of the defense. They have no forwards who lead up at the ball, and they bomb to Walters, who as good as he is, cannot compete against three savages every time. Rumors are swirling that JLo’s job is on the line. And I could have sworn I saw him logging on to LinkedIn during the fourth quarter. But there is some upside. Freo has a ton of young players, and if Luke Jackson actually starts holding a mark and they start moving the ball faster, things could turn around really fast. And I’m just thinking … does Freo trade Nat Fyfe to see what they can get?

Tim English. Wow. A little birdie told me that we might be seeing him in an Eagles jumper in the not too distant future.

In a turn of events that shocked precisely no one, captain Luke Shuey returned from injury only to re-injure himself. This adds to the club’s already growing injury list of 18 players out, including Nic Nat, who we just found out is going to be out for another eight weeks. Eagle’s strength and conditioning have started to explore other methods of training, which include bouncy castles, bubble wrap, and a strict no touch policy. The crisis at West Coast has gotten so bad that, just like Batman answering the bat signal, retired Will Schofield put on the cape and the boots and returned to the WAFL to make up the numbers. Eight kicks, three marks, and a goal. Nice work, Will. And maybe Will Schofield’s return might inspire another retired superstar to come back sometime this season. Hi, Josh.

This week, Geelong told the competition to hold their walking sticks while they kicked Sydney’s asses. I actually called Foxtel cuz I thought they were showing a replay of last year’s grand final. It was only by not seeing Robbie Williams there that I realized my mistake. The Cats kicked 133 points in that game, and 130 last night. A step backwards, as David King would say. Since King pronounced the Cats dead a few weeks ago, they’ve kicked 120+ points in three consecutive games. All clubs are now putting in calls to David King to officially write them off as well.

Adelaide fans are still checking their pulses after that one. It wasn’t pretty, but Fogerty and Rankine got ’em the four points they needed, at an oval they hadn’t won at in 18 years. Fogerty is becoming truly elite. And Rankine, who David King said was poorly advised to leave the Gold Coast Suns, is now becoming a superstar of the competition. And if he keeps this up, he’s gonna have his own pocket at the Adelaide Oval named after him. (Love you, Eddie Betts.) And hottie of the week, Rory Sloane, had another huge last quarter. Hawks fans had every right to be pissed off at the end of this game, because it looked pretty clear to me, and I think everyone watching, that there was a blatant in-the-back free kick that was not called in front of goal. May have made the difference in this game. For everyone who commented last week on whether or not the crows were the real deal, I do not think their performance this week has settled the matter. Except, of course, for Port Adelaide supporter Paul, who thinks you guys are shit.

Carlton are really proving the theory of system over talent. They have two number one draft picks. They have two Coleman medalists. They have one Brownlow medalist. They have a ton of talent and superstars and they still can’t get their shit together. It seems like Voss and Longmuir have the same game plan. They just chip it around in the back and then bomb it to a three-on-one inside 50. And St. Kilda are proving the theory that Ross is the boss. Polish going forward, super tight team defense, huge improvement in their no name players. The Blues were +86 for disposals and they still lost by four goals. Carlton have gone from a contested possession powerhouse to … I don’t know what, and it saddens me, because I like them. One thing is for sure, Michael Voss has to turn things around quick or the whole of Lygon Street is going to be after him. And I’m telling you, it is not easy to get meatball stains out of clothing.

So that’s it for this week, possums. We dedicate this episode to the great Barry Humphries. Rest in peace.

Rory Laird and Jordan Dawson combined for a total of 69 disposals. 69! At one point I saw Dawson’s boot actually apologize to the ball. Hi, welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye. It’s a beautiful 69 degrees here in Los Angeles, and I’m standing in front of the entrance to Griffith Park.

So this week, the Gather Round. How awesome was that? It was so great to see all these teams descend upon Adelaide. Unfortunately, the Victorians had to get on a plane and fly somewhere else, which much to their dismay. But I thought it was great. Although I hear now it’s gonna be in Adelaide for the next three years, which is completely puzzling to me. Why wouldn’t they move it to Western Australia and then have it in New South Wales and, and move it around? At any rate, here are my hot takes for Round 5.

Carlton’s midfield continues to underwhelm. 10 minutes in, and the Blues looked more like lost tourists. It was only by moving Cerra from the defense to the midfield at quarter time that helped to stop the Adelaide onslaught. And Cripps, Kennedy, and Hewett are like a boy band that only know one dance move: contested ball. And what’s up with the game plan? Bomb it to Charlie and Harry and just hope to god one of them comes down with it? Given Carlton’s age profile and the money they’ve spent, they should be competing for the flag. But I’m sorry, I’m not convinced.

The Crows faced off against the Blues in the inaugural Gather Round, and it seems they took the gathering part a little too seriously, gathering the goals and the points and the contested possessions and leaving the Blues with nothing but shattered dreams. Adelaide’s coach, Matthew Nicks, tried to downplay the team’s performance. Said they’re in a development phase. Yeah, they’re developing something, all right. A taste for blood. The Crows are hosting their own edition of Australia’s Got Talent, with young guns Fogerty, Murray, Thilthorpe, Murphy, Milera, and Rankin all firing and Crouch, Berry, Schoenberg, Golant, and Haley all trying to break back in. Three tough assignments loom: Collingwood in Adelaide, Geelong at Skinny Park, and St. Kilda in Adelaide. After that, we’re gonna know if Adelaide’s the real deal or not.

Aliir Aliir saved the day again by stopping a late goal from Aaron Naughton. Aliir seems to have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. Kind of like my bestie, Michael, who always has an icy cold bottle of Savs B waiting for me when I’ve had a shitty day. The Bulldog’s game plan really should have been just kick it anywhere Aliir is not. Despite the conditions and the boos, Jason Horne Francis finally took off in the last quarter. He had 11 disposals, 7 contested possessions, 5 inside fifties, and 4 clearances. To celebrate, Ken Hinkley cracked open a full strength Pepsi. Port NOT having Rory Lobb proved to be the difference. Lobb continues to steal the show, proving the theory that smalls get one game to prove they can play, while talls get a hundred games to prove they can’t.

Melbourne fans didn’t seem that upset, saying that Melbourne’s never been that good at Gather Round. They attributed their loss to having to play three games interstate in the last four weeks and called it a reality check. Wait a second. Wasn’t the ass kicking in Round 2 from Brisbane your reality check? Oliver and Petracca played the worst first halves of footy that their fans have ever seen, while Essendon fans are calling for statues of Brad Scott. Personally, I think this is the most fun I’ve had watching Essendon since the doping.

Brisbane played champagne football in the heart of Adelaide wine country, roaring to a 75 point victory over the Roos. North Melbourne’s midfield was stretched more than a pair of skinny jeans on a Fox Footy commentator. But there’s no denying Harry Sheezel had another ripper of a game. He and fellow 18 year old Will Ashcroft are certainly making us feel like a bunch of underachievers. Fun fact, Brisbane set their record for the most marks inside 50, 33. And 22.20 is their highest score since the last time they played North Melbourne. The most entertainment of the game, though, came in the last quarter when the commentators finally stopped pretending they cared, started talking about painted cows and local pubs they liked. Way to go, Fox Footy team.

So, Fremantle’s season is back on track after a thrilling 10 point victory over the second biggest disappointing team of the season, the Gold Coast Suns. Freo kick seven of the last nine goals, while the Gold Coast Suns had more turnovers than a bakery on Sunday morning. Freo’s new look forward line still has a lot of work to do, but my God, rookie Jye Amiss, what a star this guy’s gonna be. And Michael Walters proving again that age is just a number, with a blistering four goals. Jack Lukosius was given acres of space by the Fremantle defenders, who obviously think social distancing is still a thing. But let’s not forget the real star of this game, the boundary line. I’ve never seen a game with more disputed calls on whether a ball was in or out. Thank you, skinny Norwood Oval. Freo hasn’t won a first quarter this season, and they’ve only won three in their last 20 outings. For a town that’s famous for its cafe strip, they may wanna go a little stronger. And earlier.

Tom Papley versus Richmond, I mean, Sydney versus Richmond. Human fireworks display, Tom Papley, had a career best game, with six goals,leaving everybody at Gather Round wondering what energy drink he’s on.

I guess I should talk about the, the new exciting rules that the AFL is now sanctioning. Like the Jackie Chan kick to the neck by Dangerfield, and the eye gouging, the thumb in the eye and, ugh, my favorite, the sling tackle.

Ross Lyon’s damn wall defense finally cracked, unable to keep up with Collingwood’s territory dominance. Nick Daicos set a career high, amassing 42 disposals, leaving Saints fans wondering why Ross Lyon didn’t have someone tagging him. Perhaps the biggest story of the game was Collingwood’s back six, who allowed just 10 goals from 64 inside fifties. Safe to say, there will not be an empty seat next week when the Pies take on second place Essendon. So long, Gather Round. Hello, ANZAC Day at the G.