In this episode, Jamie and Noah discuss the difficulties of being in a relationship with those who are in active addiction.  They discuss boundaries, martyrdom, unconditional love, and how to decide if being in such a relationship is workable for you.  This conversation is also relevant for anyone in a relationship with someone who is abusive in some way.   

0:00 Intro and the question: How can one be in a healthy relationship with someone who is in active addiction? 

1:22 Noah’s lived experience in his family of origin 

3:39 Moving beyond self sacrifice 

6:33 Loving someone is not equal to enabling them 

10:06 Defining relationships by boundaries and access 

11:35 Research is necessary to know how to take care of yourself 

13:11 Unconditional love is not equal to martyrdom 

16:53 Its ok to not be comfortable being in relationship with an addict 

18:53 Rock Bottom 

22:29 Aquiescing our own boundaries hurts everyone  

23:55 What do you do when people are sometimes nice and sometimes awful? 

28:06 Recognize your limits in managing these dynamics 

28:35 Relationships should ideally not be based on pity, responsibility, or obligation 

34:45 Noah’s take on whether or not you can be in a healthy relationship with an addict  

Resources:  

Big Book of AA: https://www.amazon.com/Alcoholics-Big-Book/dp/1893007170/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1RH1JRRQXFSNR&keywords=big+book+aa&qid=1658413636&sprefix=big+book+%2Caps%2C275&sr=8-1  

Adult Children of Alcoholics: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658413669&sr=8-1  

Facing Codependence: https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890/ref=sr_1_1?crid=I8ZV0ODOMQ6P&keywords=facing+codependence+by+pia+mellody&qid=1658413714&sprefix=facing+co%2Caps%2C112&sr=8-1  

The New Codependency: https://www.amazon.com/New-Codependency-Guidance-Todays-Generation/dp/1439102147/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658413739&sr=8-1  

Where to Draw The Line: How to set healthy boundaries: https://www.amazon.com/Where-Draw-Line-Healthy-Boundaries/dp/0684868067/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658413777&sr=8-1  

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: https://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658413823&sr=8-1  

Girl Walks Out of a Bar: A Memoir: https://www.amazon.com/Girl-Walks-Out-Bar-Memoir/dp/1590793218/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658413856&sr=8-1  

How to Murder Your Life: https://www.amazon.com/How-Murder-Your-Life-Memoir/dp/1476752397/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658413888&sr=8-1 

My Fair Junkie: A Memoir of Getting Dirty and Staying Clean: https://www.amazon.com/My-Fair-Junkie-Getting-Staying/dp/0316430935/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658413919&sr=8-1  

We Can Do Hard Things Podcast: Episode on Addiction: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7qKIIxKosZ4isdlegeNsJW?si=d877af00fca84a53