Raise your hand if you like making mistakes. Anyone? I didn’t think so. Whether we identify as perfectionists or not, no one wants to find themselves in error.

Now, mistakes come in all sizes. Sometimes the consequences are nil or maybe mildly embarrassing. Other times the cost is high, and we may be humiliated or traumatized. 

So what is it about getting something wrong that causes us to skip over the lesson while we watch our confidence go down the drain?

For starters, we like to make it about us – what we did or didn’t do – and when we do that, we forget to look at the anticipated result of our action or inaction. We get caught up in blame - maybe even shame - and we lose sight of what we can and should do with the result. 

Here’s my mantra: The only mistake is to allow a mistake to uncontrollably drive your future behavior and decisions. 

What do I mean by that? When we’re tired, cognitively depleted or stressed out, even a normally unremarkable oops activates the caveperson reaction inside each of us. Even if no one else notices the error, our brain kicks into survival mode which does not allow us to be conscientious or in control. As a result, we respond harshly, make rash judgements, act passively-aggressive or take out our failure in uncompassionate, inconsiderate and undeserving ways.  We wind up treating ourselves and others unfairly and then add a bonus of regret.

And this accrues so that the next time we need to make a decision, our confidence gets kicked just by remembering that we messed up last time.

That’s why I’m pulling from my own personal library of gaffes and, in this episode of Real Confidence, share how I finally figured out a way to more productively - and actually confidently - deal with failure.