welcome back to said out loud—the podcast where we say the things out loud, even when they’re weird, slightly unhinged, or kind of uncomfortable.

hi hello how are you, so glad you’re here!

it’s the friday before memorial day weekend, and i made the executive decision that we were going to play hookiey today. because honestly? i’m over it. Mia was tired this morning, im tired. We still have 4 more days of school next week but I feel a bit run down, and i just don’t have anything left in me after this week.. i needed a day where i could just opt out without explanation—and so i did.

i’m exhausted. not tired—exhausted. mentally, physically, emotionally, hormonally, logistically.

Yesterday, i was making dinner, and chad walked in and was like, “are you mad at me, did i do something?

and i was like, no babe—i’m just trying not to completely unravel while cutting these potatoes.

and the truth is: i’m not mad at him. i’m not mad at anyone.

but i’m holding so many things in my head at any given time that i don’t even have room for emotions like “mad.” i’m at full storage capacity. i’m buffering.

it’s complete depletion.

it’s doing everything for everyone all the time, and getting no break, no medal, and no paycheck. it’s being the person who sees everything—the stuff that’s out of place, the school theme day, the appointment no one scheduled, the moldy container in the back of the fridge—and being the person who fixes it. every. single. time.

i’m the one keeping track of mia’s spirit week themes

i’m the one packing the lunches and washing the lunchbox and making sure the lunch has things she’ll actually eat.

i’m the one monitoring cooper’s screen time, teaching him responsibility, trying to parent him with empathy so he doesn’t need as much therapy as i do

i’m the one watching the laundry pile up, watching the hairballs accumulate in the corner of the kitchen, walking past the damn water bottle that no one’s moved in six days and i left it there just to see if anyone else would notice it. they didn’t.

On top of stuff for them im trying to do stuff for me. i’m planning for vegas. i’m organizing the bags, overthinking outfits, scrolling the internet for dresses i can’t afford, hoping i can squeeze in time to wax my vagina and remember to buy nipple covers before i go.

i’m also building a business. creating content. trying to hit a goal. trying to believe i’m worthy of it while simultaneously feeling like i’m failing at motherhood and adulthood and womanhood all in one breath.

i saw a mom on instagram put together a whole summer kickoff party for her kids, complete with themed cake. and all i could think was: must be nice. must be nice to have the energy. must be nice to have the money. must be nice to not feel like you’re drowning. And i dont mean it like must be nice. I genuinely mean, wow that must feel amazing to do that, to not even think twice about it energy-wise or financially. you’re doing an amazing job mama and I am truly jealous. And what i also mean is, what the f**k is wrong with me, why didn't i plan an end of school party?

But i can’t do it. not because i hate joy. not because i hate fun things. but because i’m so damn tired that not even one cell in my body wants to plan a surprise celebration right now. i don’t even want to plan dinner.

And the realization is, it doesn’t make me a bad mom. it makes me a mom with no fcking bandwidth left.

and here’s the part that no one wants to say out loud:

i think some moms get to love motherhood more because they have more help.

because their kids are in school all day.

because they have babysitters or family nearby.

because someone else is wiping butts or packing lunches or folding towels.

and when you have that? of course you can find joy. of course you can enjoy motherhood more.

but that’s not my life. i have a child home with me full-time. I have another with demanding needs, We homeschool, we have one income. and i don’t regret it—i wouldn’t trade it—but i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t really fcking hard sometimes.

And i hate that im made to feel like i have to hide all of that, like i cant say i love motherhood, but some days man, its heavy

i don’t have help. no babysitter. no nanny. no family that stops by and says, “hey, want to go shower alone?” chad’s family lives in the same neighborhood and still somehow they never see the kids unless we ask. his mom walks past our house almost daily. she literally walks past us and waves and keeps going.

And i dont know, maybe im wrong in thinking we should have help. Maybe no one is supposed to help. Maybe that changed along the way too.

Grandparents are more interested in retiring and golfing, going to the senior center, bible lunch with the ladies. I guess they deserve it. In my case, im the second wife, the “second family”, so does that mean my in laws already did their duty so i just get shoved to the side?? Is it like that for everyone or am i just lucky.

I saw someones reel the other day, a mom who had just given birth to her 3rd baby, she was sitting on the edge of the bathtub and her mother in law was shaving her legs for her. The caption said i just dont understand not loving your mother in law. And i literally lol’d. I dont think for a lot of women its a choice to not have a relationship with your mother in law, i longed for a close a relationship, i just didn’t get it. So again, is it like this for everyone, or is it selective?

so it’s just me. every day. doing all the things. wiping butts and resetting tantrums and ordering groceries and setting out snack plates and putting away laundry and making meals and changing sheets and organizing appointments and doing math and editing content and chasing a business goal and pretending like i’m fine.

but i’m not always fine. i’m actually burnt out in a way that doesn’t feel fixable with a nap or a bubble bath or a solo trip to target. i’m craving silence. i’m craving someone taking care of me for once.

that’s why i’m so looking forward to vegas. not because i want to escape my life.

i love my family. but i want to exist for a few days without having to manage everyone else’s needs. i want to wake up and only think about what i want. i want to pee without someone asking me where the crackers are. i want to eat without sharing. i want to rest without guilt.

this episode doesn’t have tips. i’m not going to give you 3 ways to reclaim your joy or organize your command center. this is just me, saying out loud: this s**t is heavy.

Ok i have maybe one thing. I’ve learned through therapy to be really aware of myself but also like work through the feelings and try to find solutions. Not just dwell i the feelings and let them overtake my life.

Like maybe theres some things i can give up today?

What’s one thing you can take off your list today?

What’s one thing you can let be undone?

What’s one small way you can rest?

I also know, this time of year is chaotic, end of school there's so much going on, i know that in another week things will feel much calmer. So maybe we’re just riding the wave

So I guess this episode is just me saying: if you feel this too, you’re not alone.

and if no one else is saying it? i’ll say it.

you deserve help. you deserve rest. You deserve not to be the only one who cares.

But you’re also doing amazing—bc what's that thing they say? You know you’re a good mom when you worry about if you’re a good mom.. Something like that, you know what i mean.

So guess we’re on the right track friends.

Alright, that's all for today. Chaos is already ensuing, and i’ve got about 3 threads left before i unravel, so maybe i will pop a gummy, mix up my greens and fizz early and go sit on the porch alone for 5 minutes until the creatures find me.

love ya mean it. catch ya next time

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