BHVR speed-ran another nerf cycle, destroying the Krasue after exactly three days of survivors crying about counterplay. Regurgitate cooldown multiplied by THIRTEEN, leech removed on hook, and behavior continues the death-by-a-thousand-cuts tradition. Meanwhile Victor STILL gets no buffs despite Nicky's years-long campaign for Mediterranean justice.

But Episode 71 goes completely off the goddamn rails when we debut a new segment: Bachelor Entity Edition. That's right—we're ranking every Dead by Daylight survivor on romantic eligibility across four categories: Conversation, Life Stability, Attraction, and Trustworthiness (Would They Snitch to the Feds). Yui Kimura gets docked points for the language barrier. Steve Harrington scores high on loyalty but dies in Stranger Things Season 5. Tori Kane's cult background raises serious red flags.

Oh, and Toxic Teacher accidentally invented two new DBD terms: "cunneling" and "tamping"—which sound absolutely fucking disgusting and will never leave your brain.

Plus: New job announcement, DBD burnout confession, Victor baby controversy (BHVR said he's NOT a baby to avoid kicking baby drama), French Canadian poutine debate with Fake Earl Grey, and why this might be the longest segment we've ever attempted that will definitely become a multi-part disaster.

NICKY'S BODY COUNT

Episode 71: The Bachelor Bloodbath Report

• 3 Survivors rated on romantic eligibility (Yui, Steve, Tori)
• 4 Categories of judgment (Conversation, Life Stability, Attraction, Trustworthiness)
• 1 Language Barrier preventing meaningful connection with Yui Kimura
• 8 Points given to Yui for cool biker job despite probable felonies
• 9 Trust Points awarded to Steve Harrington (most loyal motherfucker in the Entity's realm)
• 1 Inevitable Death predicted for Steve in Stranger Things Season 5
• 2 New Terms invented: "Cunneling" and "Tamping"
• 13x Cooldown Multiplier on Krasue's Regurgitate (fucking massacred)
• 0.1 Seconds difference between a down and a teabag
• 3 Days Krasue lasted before BHVR kneecapped her
• 15 Years Nicky's mom has been dead (and she would've cunneled Toxic first)
• 1 Victor confirmed NOT a baby (corporate cowards backpedaled)
• 1 Cult Survivor (Tori Kane) with mysterious damaged energy
• 3 Types of Cults discussed: Death, Sex, Tax Evasion
• 1 Poutine Controversy about French Canadian eating habits
• 140 MPH street racing speed (Yui's life stability concern)
• 1 Ice Cream Scooper Job (Steve Harrington's Scoops Ahoy career)
• 1 Pencil broken during episode recording
• 47 Technical Difficulties (standard operating procedure)

Cunneling Fu. Tamping Fu. Language Barrier Fu. Cult Deprogramming Fu. Baby Kicking Controversy Fu. Poutine Discrimination Fu. Street Racing Fu. Stranger Things Death Prediction Fu. Romantic Eligibility Fu. Meatball Liqueur Insult Fu. Samsung Galaxy Fold Victor Fu. Johannesburg Cemetery Fu. Dramatic Tango Fu.

Four stars. Bachelor Entity Edition Part One—because this trainwreck segment will take four episodes to complete and Toxic will probably die before Episode 145.

Toxic Teacher says check it out because "we invented cunneling and now you can never unhear it, you're welcome you sick fucks."