Sign up to save your podcasts
Or
Share Ep14 When "Should" Becomes a Shame Trap: How to Break Free
Share to email
Share to Facebook
Share to X
Share to email
Share to Facebook
Share to X
Or
Ep14 When "Should" Becomes a Shame Trap: How to Break Free
In this final episode of our cognitive distortion series, we explore “should statements”—those internal messages that often sound like “I should be better by now” or “I shouldn’t struggle with this.” Rooted in shame and self-judgment, these thoughts disconnect us from grace and distort how we see ourselves and God. We’ll learn how to identify these lies, reframe them with truth, and step into the freedom Jesus offers.
TIMESTAMPS
- 01:20 – What Are “Should” Statements?
- Cognitive distortion defined; how “shoulds” manifest in thought patterns
- 01:33 – The Shame Connection
- Why “shoulds” often lead to hiding, striving, and spiritual disconnection
- 01:58 – Whose Voice Is It?
- Identifying the inner critic: parent, culture, past authority, or enemy?
- 02:22 – Reframing with Gospel Truth
- Examples of common “shoulds” vs. biblical responses rooted in grace
- 02:44 – From Performance to Presence
- We don’t clean ourselves up to come to God—He meets us as we are
- 04:44 – God’s Voice vs. the Inner Critic
- Conviction vs. condemnation; God’s nearness and kindness
- 05:43 – Key Steps for Healing
- Awareness, reframing, confession, and dependence on the Holy Spirit
- 07:35 – Final Thoughts + Recap of Series
- Cognitive distortions don’t mean you’re weak—they mean you’re human
- Renewing the mind is a lifelong journey, and you’re not alone in it
KEY TAKEAWAYS
- “Shoulds” are internalized judgments that create shame, not growth
- They often reflect others’ expectations—not God's voice
- God's conviction draws us near in relationship, not in isolation
- Healing comes through confession, dependence, and grace-based reframing
- You don't need to fix yourself to be loved—God already welcomes you
DISCLAIMER
I am a licensed professional counselor, however this podcast (and the info shared on my blogs and social media) is not therapy. It is for informational purposes only; this is not a professional therapy relationship; and it is not personal advice to your specific situation. If you wonder whether professional counseling may be helpful for you in this season of life, check out this article that outlines when you might need to seek the help of a professional counselor and how to find a good one: https://shelleyspence.com/how-to-find-a-christian-counselor
LINKS
How to Find a Christian Counselor:
https://shelleyspence.com/how-to-find-a-christian-counselor
Sign up for my Inner Circle newsletter:
Https://shelleyspence.com
A Small Book about Why We Hide: How Jesus Rescues Us from Insecurity, Regret, Failure, and Shame by Dr. Ed Welch
https://a.co/d/g9ciOsD
NEXT EPISODE:
Tune in for a trauma-informed practical strategy I've used with myself, my family, and my clients that contains the anxiety, big emotions, and obsessive or spiraling thoughts, so you can enjoy a break from the non-stop noise in your head.
I’m cheering you on as you break free from what’s keeping you stuck or holding you back from who you were created to be.
View all episodes
By Shelley SpenceIn this final episode of our cognitive distortion series, we explore “should statements”—those internal messages that often sound like “I should be better by now” or “I shouldn’t struggle with this.” Rooted in shame and self-judgment, these thoughts disconnect us from grace and distort how we see ourselves and God. We’ll learn how to identify these lies, reframe them with truth, and step into the freedom Jesus offers.
TIMESTAMPS
- 01:20 – What Are “Should” Statements?
- Cognitive distortion defined; how “shoulds” manifest in thought patterns
- 01:33 – The Shame Connection
- Why “shoulds” often lead to hiding, striving, and spiritual disconnection
- 01:58 – Whose Voice Is It?
- Identifying the inner critic: parent, culture, past authority, or enemy?
- 02:22 – Reframing with Gospel Truth
- Examples of common “shoulds” vs. biblical responses rooted in grace
- 02:44 – From Performance to Presence
- We don’t clean ourselves up to come to God—He meets us as we are
- 04:44 – God’s Voice vs. the Inner Critic
- Conviction vs. condemnation; God’s nearness and kindness
- 05:43 – Key Steps for Healing
- Awareness, reframing, confession, and dependence on the Holy Spirit
- 07:35 – Final Thoughts + Recap of Series
- Cognitive distortions don’t mean you’re weak—they mean you’re human
- Renewing the mind is a lifelong journey, and you’re not alone in it
KEY TAKEAWAYS
- “Shoulds” are internalized judgments that create shame, not growth
- They often reflect others’ expectations—not God's voice
- God's conviction draws us near in relationship, not in isolation
- Healing comes through confession, dependence, and grace-based reframing
- You don't need to fix yourself to be loved—God already welcomes you
DISCLAIMER
I am a licensed professional counselor, however this podcast (and the info shared on my blogs and social media) is not therapy. It is for informational purposes only; this is not a professional therapy relationship; and it is not personal advice to your specific situation. If you wonder whether professional counseling may be helpful for you in this season of life, check out this article that outlines when you might need to seek the help of a professional counselor and how to find a good one: https://shelleyspence.com/how-to-find-a-christian-counselor
LINKS
How to Find a Christian Counselor:
https://shelleyspence.com/how-to-find-a-christian-counselor
Sign up for my Inner Circle newsletter:
Https://shelleyspence.com
A Small Book about Why We Hide: How Jesus Rescues Us from Insecurity, Regret, Failure, and Shame by Dr. Ed Welch
https://a.co/d/g9ciOsD
NEXT EPISODE:
Tune in for a trauma-informed practical strategy I've used with myself, my family, and my clients that contains the anxiety, big emotions, and obsessive or spiraling thoughts, so you can enjoy a break from the non-stop noise in your head.
I’m cheering you on as you break free from what’s keeping you stuck or holding you back from who you were created to be.