EP.5 No Kidding 
Since elementary school, I have been liking different people at each stage. I had feelings for my classmates, seniors, and so many others. I also favored girls, but this fact has annoyed me until now. Because I think to have feelings for both boys and girls is terribly lewd. 

Later, I learned that all the feelings are just me trying to recognize my own sexuality. During the process of sexuality recognition, I had tons of conversations in the middle of the night, I exchanged diaries sharing my daily sorrows, and I kept messaging people whose personalities are in sync with me. 

These are all the explorations of who I really am. 

Now, I look back at those moments. I have a very good memory. I observed,  "What was I thinking at that time, and why?" I got a clear answer. My self-exploration came earlier than my sexual desire, I started self-exploring since I was 11. A love letter can recall my feelings, and a love song can make me self- reflect right away. I'm touched! My heart is paralyzed! But I have no “sexual excitement”, no “arousal”, and no “orgasm”. 

At that age, I didn't even understand these terms at all.

During those conversations, I was wondering in the sky, feeling light and comfortable. Just holding hands, I am super happy, just a tender hug, my heart would melt, just a kiss on the cheek, my heart would go crazy. 

However, ever since I knew what “sex behaviors” mean, I paused my expressions. I waited, I kept the feelings, until it was the time for drama performance, for chorus singing, and for article writing, I exploded. 

Then, it came to my first relationship. I was completely active. I controlled the atmosphere, I adjusted my mood suddenly, I switched my voice tones and looks, so I could even act as a passive lover. At that time, I believed that the love relationship was meant to be binding, and sex was the key. 

I knew that our behaviors are normal. We are humans. Humans have sex, humans have sexual organs, humans have sexual impulses, humans have sexual excitement, and humans have orgasms. 

I didn’t know: how could I feel good in my body, but feel so bad in my mood. Why would I keep mixing up the detail of those nights? I looked insane. I got fantasies. I told nonsense. 

What’s wrong with me?

"I want to be a nun."
Seriously? No kidding. 
Think and say it out slowly.

"I am running away, I have been used. I dare not break up, I dare not fall in love. I can't get married and have children anymore." 

I was materializing myself, not treating myself as a human being. I thought of myself as an erotic tool, so I would be used. 

I’m single now. I am human. My sex is female. I am able to get pregnant. I am Umy Chang.

#sexy_umy #sexuality #umychang

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