EP.6 Stay Moral 
I cheated. I didn’t read my boyfriend's message for days, but I talked to another person until midnight, every day. 

We talked about relationships. I pretended to be seriously discussing morals of relationships. I told him, “I am uncomfortable with my partner now...” He understood me so well! He gave me rational advice, his thoughts about gender equality in relationships was so new to me. What he said shocked me.

At this point, I ended the conversation. I found myself moved. I confessed with my ex-boyfriend. I told him that I chatted with a guy after midnight.

"We just discussed tasks online" I was in tears, I apologized, I hugged him. With another one, I cheated again. 

As our relationship ended, I went to the last one I chatted with, he rejected me, we no longer talked. I felt helpless, I was not able to stay a normal life.

I couldn’t sleep, I ate an apple, that’s it, each day. I was afraid of meeting new people. My mind was always pondering, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. 

So I wrote down what kept in my mind:
"For more than 8 years, we were frank, we expressed our ideas thoroughly. After some years, I twined his words. I got pseudo amnesia. Why did I ignore him? I shouldn’t be unkind to him. I was too evil. No, I had something to say, I was unhappy, I was hiding.

What was I hiding?

I was hiding my temper. I constrained my anger. I denied my discomforts. I scolded... I became more vicious. When I was alone, I tucked my head in bed, struggling to mute my cries.

So I left him. I left him saying “I have to be myself”, without any concrete reason. Even when we were no longer couples, I blamed myself for ending everything.

I felt guilty. Therefore, I kept hurting my feelings in the post-breakup period. " 

These are what I'm thinking about. I read it again. 

I realized that I had misunderstood the meaning of "intimacy". It means to get a closer relationship with myself first, and the other, later. 

How can I not have a firm knowing of myself firstly? If I get no self-feelings, how do I get along with people? I must reveal my hidden secrets, my instant discomforts and instincts, otherwise I can't handle any interpersonal communications. 

I knew I was used to “look down to my thoughts”, because they are dark, random, blurred, irrational, they are not mine.

Nope, they are part of me. As I read them out, they hurried me to ease them: Darkness detected. Cleared. Roger.

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