Favor Myself.

I walked into the closet.

When I was a child, I was easily affected by unhappiness. I didn’t know how to adjust my feelings. I became more and more scared, and I started to have dark thoughts.

When I was super angry, I would yell in my mind: "I want everyone to disappear!" I realized this thought, and I yelled back in my heart: "Shut up! What are you thinking about, how can you think like this? You are a devil." I kept warning myself, but I still had the idea of „killing everything," so I locked the door and hid in the closet. I was afraid that I would get out of control.

I was holding my breath in the closet, I wanted to kill myself. I failed to hold my breath, I didn't want to die. „I'm so timid.“ I stayed in the closet angrily scolding myself.

After elementary school, I walked out of the closet. Why?

A couple of months before the graduation, the letters exchanging between me and my female classmate was seen by the parents, and they were very nervous. I heard the words „they are doing lesbian things“, I was frightened. „I am a pervert.“ I decided that I shouldn't do this anymore. „Lyrical writing is dangerous, I’ll encounter taboos, I’ll be unethical and immoral.“ I didn't cry anymore, my writing was getting longer and longer, more and more obscure, very difficult to understand. Just listen to episodes 1-3, see those contents, they are deliberate and exaggerated.

Since then, I only wrote about the sky, leaves, food, and water, "I can't write about my romance.“

As I entered middle school, I made friends with shy and quiet classmates. From them, I noticed the weakness I cared about most: I was emotionally repressed. I often talked to them about their interests, I collected lame jokes and told the same jokes to them every day! We laughed and felt relaxed, and then I would meet their core personality. I like this. I feel awesome.

Then I began to wonder, what about myself? During my childhood, even though I had been through a lot of mistakes, angers, and fears, I could walk out of the closet, never go bock and hide myself. But why was I still feeling terribly blue?

"I am sure that I have sexual favor to girls."
This is the first fear. I think I am lesbian.
"I am sure that I also have sexual favor to boys."
This is the second fear. I realized that I am bisexual.

How can I be sure? In my sexual fantasies, besides with men, I also imagine being intimate with sexy ladies: we hug and sleep together naked. The fantasies started when I was 7 years old, and the plot hasn’t changed much so far. Before teenage hood, I felt very excited when imagining the plots. In the ages of puberty, when fantasizing the detail, I will be sexually excited.

However, the deeper fear is:
"I'm not sure if being bisexual means I am abnormal.“

I found that in the aspect of biological sex, sexual orientation is most commonly viewed within two extremes: Androphilia and Gynephilia. Androphilia means the admiration for males, while Gynephilia means for females.

We can distinguish sexual orientation by the „degree" towards the two extremes. So totally, how many kinds of sexual orientation can we have?

According to the degree of admiration for the two biological sex, I put the two extremes, Androphilia and Gynephilia, on a line, but change their names. Because for me, my admiration for males stands for „heterosexuality“, I put it on the left. So the right side, which describes my admiration for females, is „homosexuality“.

On this line, each person's position is not the same. Thus I know, people’s sexual orientation can differ. Actually, it should be distinctive between human beings. 

We have "unlimited kinds" of sexual orientation.

I confirmed my degree within the two extremes as about 70% heterosexual and 30% homosexual. I am bisexual. I am bisexual with 70% Androphilia and 30% Gynephila.

If my partner is biologically female, I am currently homo.
If my partner is biologically male, I am now hetero.

I also want to make sure, "Am I a normal person?"
Will I always change my partners? Will I be in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time? Will I become sexually addicted?

They all depend on my "personality." 
It has nothing to do with my "sexual orientation“.

Why did I even pop up with these questions?
Because I didn't understand at that time, that sexual orientation differs from person to person. When there is something that I don’t understand, I think it “strange”. When there is something that I can’t explain, I think it „sick“.

Finally, I understand. When I say something „abnormal, problematic, psyche“, it just means that I haven’t got any clear idea of it. 

Now, I got it. Our sexual preferences differ, that’s normal.

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