Mind Myself.
I'm not really in the relationship.

I have been busy all the time. No matter how long we’ve got along with each other, I pretend to be passionately in love, in front of everyone. This is tiring.

When I am in love, I used to behave perfectly, even though that is not what I intended to show. I would have resistant feelings, but I knew I could bear them. After every struggle, I comforted myself: Umy, it’s okay! Give them your warm smile, as you always know, „giving is more blessed than receiving.“

In my daily life, I often yield my seat to others, the seat called Umy’s needs. I hide what I need. I keep moving and observing: „Who is in need of what? I have to solve those needs firstly.“

Do I really see what they need at the moment? I don’t know, I didn’t ask. Maybe I looked observant, but actually, I was just guessing. Because I believe that people shouldn’t just care about themselves.

I think „Caring Only Myself“ is selfish.
It is such an undesirable thing.
If I did it, I would blame myself to death.

I am very strict with myself.
I treat myself in a critical way.
I train myself with a sense of shame.

If I decide to start an intimate relationship, my self-trainings will be terribly strengthened. Why? I have to care about my partner, this is what I promise to do as I agree to begin this relationship. I realize that I am always tired after the infatuated stage. I sensed that I have been giving up so many wants during this stage, I volunteered to do so, I could tell that it is called „Love Sacrifice“, and I thought this process is normal.

Of course, it is abnormal. I am fantasizing about myself in the name of „love“. I never blame myself, I never train myself, I blame my attitude to love, and my immaturity to love. That is why I am not in love with the person. I am observing my feeling and response towards intimacy. I am evaluating my behaviors and attitudes towards relationships. I am understanding what I need in my intimate relationship. Why? 

Because I want to start a family, raise children, and parent a new life. I have to be clear of what I need first. 

And the next step for me will be asking
„Who is suitable for me?“

From these 7 aspects: Self-expressions, dark thoughts, financial status, working hours, personal relationships, physical condition, and hygiene habits, we should be balanced with each other.

More importantly, only when we fancy each other at the same level can we have the chance to start a relationship. If they is not that into me, sorry and bye.

I like to describe my orientation to finding a life partner as „sapiosexual". This is an academic term. No worries, I don’t take its regular definition. I just borrowed the name and interpret it myself:

Sapio-, means „wisdom“. 

I use my wisdom to measure my current status, discovering the one who can weigh my tension and grow my lightness, to stay together. Although the time to get along with each other may be limited, during this relationship, I can let go of more pressure and anxiety than when I was staying single.

„Oh My Goodness! I found out that I am actually a fool. I have a very bad temper. I am really annoying. I think this kind of me would hurt people who get close to me.

Why don't you say it before the relationship starts? I didn't know at that time, I was fooling around. I keep thinking about many things. I detected others' actions, listened to gossips, and imagined „what I would look like in others’ minds“. I can't care about my relationship.

I do care „what I look like“. This is me. I seem to be very easy-going, but I am always hiding something deeply."

I mind it. I have secrets, I have things I am 100% aware of, but I don’t want to show them. I just need to know them clearly, and understand why I will have a certain secret…Because „I am tired. I am acting as a person I don’t want to be. I am acting. I am tired of this acting.“

What do I mind for now? 
All my looks as an individual.

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