This one is for you people who love fixing others and vomiting out unsolicited advice.

 

In case you were wondering, I am a fellow people-fixer and unsolicited advice vomiter-outer.

 

I wish I could come up with something better than 'vomiter-outer' because it doesn't make much sense, but I couldn't. So that will have to do. I'm sure you get the idea. This is what happens when an over-thinker attempts to be funny or witty.

 

Changing gears...does the following scenario sound familiar?...

 

You find yourself giving the same nagging advice to your partner (or maybe a friend, family member, or colleague) repeatedly. You see what they could be doing better. If only they would just listen to you, they could fix their problem. It would be as easy as that.

 

You keep giving this advice because you know it would work. You're surprised that it's not as clear to them as it is to you. You find yourself volunteering this advice constantly, maybe with an occasional preach or rant telling this person what they should do. Many iterations of these outward attempts to help or fix this person builds up what feels like heat in the gut. You judge. You're frustrated. You're angry. Why don't they just listen to you?

 

Time goes by. You go through something in your own life. You're hit by some sort of unpredictability or vulnerability. And BAM. You realize you haven't been following that same advice you've been giving this person...at all. You're a phony. You're a fraud. You're exposed. But you had no clue! You really thought you could see what was best for this other person. You were trying to help. You became angry that they couldn't/wouldn't just listen to you, apply what you were saying, and fix it.

 

Hint: the problem was probably never the other person. So what was it? What are you angry at?

 

When you preach or give unsolicited advice to others, especially if it's volunteered, constant, and generates judgment and anger, this action can be used as an amazing queue to listen to the advice you're giving out...and take it/apply it in your own life.

 

Because that's what you really want to happen. That's why you're frustrated. It's not the other person. You can't figure out how to take your own advice. You simply see the same thing manifesting in front of you in the other person (they don't know how to apply the advice you're giving), so you resist it because you don't know how to apply it either, and that hurts to face.

 

This lesson comes up for me often, and it slapped me in the face again recently. I talk about it through a story in this quick episode.

 

When you preach or volunteer 'fix-it' advice (as I call it), you are the one that usually need to hear it most. Us humans tend to project our own messes out onto others. This can be tricky or easily missed if you're not paying close attention. If you find yourself preaching or trying to fix another person, use that as a queue to check-in with yourself instead. See what happens.

 

Connect with me:

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www.ashleyrothstein.com

IG/Twitter: @ashrothstein

 

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