The earth & it's inhabitants are hurting. What can I/we do?

I am guilty of choosing to look away when it comes to many serious issues the world is facing. The roots and structure of these complicated problems are confusing to process. Brainstorming solutions seems even harder. I don't usually know what to do or how to help. When I try to visualize potential solutions, my mind starts buzzing and bouncing around all over the place in a seemingly never-ending loop of 'problem > potential solution > different problem that solution would bring > potential solution for that problem that leads to a different problem > and on.' My body becomes hot with emotions like sadness, anger, confusion, and empathy. I hate when I don't know how to fix something. When I feel helpless, it's easy for me to get engulfed in these powerful emotions, so I've learned to look away and shut myself off to paths that lead to these intense feelings. I don't necessarily like this about myself, but its a defense mechanism. It feels easier to choose willful ignorance and focus on what I can control in the little bubble that I operate in every day.

My husband put on a documentary the other night. I had been wanting to watch it for some time, but always seemed to find an excuse not to. I knew I would feel a lot when I chose to watch it some day. I was avoiding these feelings.

This time around, I chose to watch it. It split me open. I expected this, but wasn't sure what I would do with the feelings when they arose.

I debrief my thoughts in this episode. I was still somewhat in shock when I recorded this because the documentary was so powerful. It certainly planted a large seed in my life to start doing better and being better when it comes to saving and preserving the other life that exists on this planet, and just in general.

A vast majority of the past choices I've made when it comes to what I purchase, what I consume, and the resources I use have been ignorant, unconscious, and lacking intention. Choosing to not look away, and instead fighting for something that is meaningful is an alternative that is worth considering.

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I was moving too fast, so I imagined balloons tied to me and I snipped them off one by one...like my own (dark & twisted) version of Disney Pixar's 'Up.'

Sometimes I feel like a broken record with how much I talk about my attempts to slow down after I realize I'm moving too fast. But if it keeps coming up, there is something for me to learn here. This 'lightening speed' pace I seem to default to is something I'm struggling to resolve, so I try different things in attempt to level it out...perhaps with the hope that I will finally land on the 'end all' answer that will help me fully and wholly relax forever (ha, even though I know an 'end all' probably doesn't exist, I seem to always shoot for it anyway).

It was the end of the day. I had multi-tasked too much and my mind was buzzing. Lots of time on screens, and no time outdoors. I had a packed plate, and found myself trying to tack more and more on. I attempted to work through the evening. I found myself overwhelmed with nausea whenever I put forth mental energy into working. The nausea seemed to be tied directly to working/thinking. I would take a break and it would cease a bit, then I would try to work again and it would come back. So I stopped everything, turned off the lights, laid down, and let my myself feel the effects of a runaway mind.

It felt horrible and incredibly unpleasant at first. After allowing myself to feel the not so good feelings, get past them, and sink into the moment, I fell into an intriguing meditation that guided me out of the chaos. I imagined my to-do list as balloons tied to my body and then imaginatively 'cut' them off one by one with my mind. It was surprisingly effective. It reminded me of the conversation I had with Danna Pycher (world-renowned hypnotherapist) on Episode 16 of the podcast, where she 'melted' an icicle with her mind during a hypnosis session to resolve a period of harsh cold flashes she was experiencing. She had envisioned this icicle sitting on her spine, and once it was 'melted,' the cold flashes resolved and never came back. How fascinating is the mind and it's untapped potential? There is so much we don't know. Hearing myself speak about how I snipped off pretend balloons tied to my body to help me relax sounds a bit ridiculous on the surface, but the more I learn about the mind, the less and less ridiculous these things are starting to sound to me.

Tune in to hear the full story, and check out Episode 16 if you're interested in hearing my conversation with Danna - it is still one of my favorite episodes to date!

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I will fight to the death to prove that I am right. And there's a part of me that loves doing it.

I've been this way since I can consciously remember. I file every email I receive and save it into a labeled folder that I can pull from in case I need to show proof of something I or someone else said or did. I prefer to communicate in writing for this very reason. If questioned in a conversation, I enjoy pulling up statistics or articles to prove what I am saying has scientific backing. I also love to counter studies and statistics with anecdotal evidence that science can't explain. On top of this, I have a crazy memory. I can often recall specifics of past experiences, situations, or conversations. I use this data as 'ammo' if I am ever in a confrontational situation with another person. I sniff out contradiction easily, and I don't hesitate to point it out if I see it.

The point: I have a wired mechanism within me to manipulate whatever is in front of me to prove that I am right. If I am right, the opposing force is wrong. I win. And winning feels good.

This mechanism has helped me achieve things. It can, and has, been helpful in certain situations. This behavior has also pulled me far, far away from vulnerability. Because vulnerability is a precursor for connection, I lack the tools to connect with other humans. That is not good. In this episode, I reflect on this. Sure, I can pull up an email, text, or recollect a past conversation to try and make myself 'win' for some things in life. But winning, in this regard, lacks depth and meaning. What about when it comes to things admitting my thick self absorption? Or letting someone know that they have helped or inspired me? Or intentionally moving myself to the backseat to allow someone else to have their moment in the spotlight? Or making the necessary moves to right my wrongs with the people I've hurt or judged? There are no statistics, email, or science that can help me with those things. Those things come from allowing myself to be vulnerable. And if I'm always 'winning', I'm not being vulnerable. And if I'm not being vulnerable, I'm not giving myself the platform for true connection. And without connection, we suffer. It is hard for me to admit fault, acknowledge a personal flaw, or admit when I am wrong. But I find that when I do, life feels so much better. Like....loads better. I metaphysically lose about 10 lbs whenever I find the courage to take responsibility where it is owed. This seems to be an emerging theme in my life as of late. Vulnerability is hard. But like anything hard, it's a practice. The more it is practiced, the less you suck at it.

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The phrase 'underworld of chaos' makes me feel a certain way.

It feels dark, peculiar, and filled with terror. It also feels mystical, ancient, and freeing. I am often drawn to dark, magical, ancestral, primitive things. I love myths, themes, and stories, and how they make their way across history and become embedded in our conscious/unconscious minds.

Do you ever feel like you're in one state of mind, and then BOOM...something pops your 'bubble' and suddenly you're in another state of mind? This could be something as simple as a few words, a song, the presence of another person, or something quick and dirty that triggers a memory. Sometimes, the recall sends you to a pleasant place. Other times, it sends you to a not so good place.

A few simple words spoken by my dad sent me descending into this 'underworld of chaos' I speak of. I would label it as a not so good place, at least at a surface level view. I talk about what I learned from my quick descent, how scary it can be to feel like you're set loose in this hellish space, and even though it can feel horrific, why it may be beneficial to nurture this chaotic space in your mind from time to time. It oddly made me feel alive, and the pain I felt seemed to boost my vitality. Intriguing...

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When I mention my past obsession with working out, I'm shocked by how many people have experienced something similar. Many people seem to have a similar story: attempting to control themselves and their minds through manipulation of their physical body, whether it be through food, hydration, supplements, substances, working out, or lack thereof.

Back in 2012/2013, I spent nearly all day at the gym almost every day. I would rest only when my body and mind would force me to/shut down, usually in the form of sickness, extreme fatigue, or mental distress. During these 6-8 hour gym days, I would do 3-4 workouts. Many of them were high intensity/high weight/high rep where I pushed myself near max. Working out became THE core activity in my life that I used to measure my self worth and self identity. I was a 'CrossFitter' and slid right into what I thought was expected of a CrossFitter.

Some days, my peers would joke that they were coming in to try and beat my time. I would laugh for social acceptance, but inside I was burning with fear and anxiety. I didn't know how to joke. I just wanted to win. I just wanted to beat everyone. Even my friends. The competitive drive in me closed me off from life around me. Everyone was a competitor. I didn't allow anyone to truly be a friend. Knowing that I may not get the best time or score for the day created a rush. The days I got the best or a high score/time, I experienced a comforting release. The days I didn't, I shamed myself...hard. I was on an adrenaline roller coaster. I started to become mentally and physically ill from the stress and torment I was exuding on myself. I was terrified of failure. I was terrified of seeing myself in the face of failure.

My stomach was constantly in knots and I had diarrhea multiple times per day. I couldn't sleep in anticipation of workout announcements. My heart would race so fast right before the '3, 2, 1, go' that I wanted to throw up. My mind was so consumed with winning that I had no space to care for my physical body properly. I didn't hydrate correctly or compensate for what I was depleting in my workouts. I felt close to fainting during a good amount of workouts, but I kept going. I didn't know what it meant to listen to my body. A neurotic part of my mind was driving these efforts.

Like many CrossFitters, I identified my diet as 'Paleo', but what my peers didn't know was that on the weekends I would participate in crazy food binges where I would scarf down pints of ice cream and fast food until I would get sick. In the gym, I did what I could to maintain the narrative/outward appearance that I was healthy and vibrant. Inside I was screaming, hiding from the truth, and running from myself.

In this episode, I talk about my experience with this obsession, what it showed me, and how it opened my eyes. I realize that I have been blinded from considering new opportunity because of this past negative experience. Sometimes one negative experience can spoil a world of opportunity if we decide to keep our eyes shut. Crazy how life works. Even crazier how we may not see it until many moons later...

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"I don't know."

I'll leave you with that as a hint for what this episode is about.

Part of me thinks this is creative messaging/marketing for the episode. A bigger part of me is too mentally exhausted to come up with anything else.

So, here we are....

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This one is for you people who love fixing others and vomiting out unsolicited advice.

In case you were wondering, I am a fellow people-fixer and unsolicited advice vomiter-outer.

I wish I could come up with something better than 'vomiter-outer' because it doesn't make much sense, but I couldn't. So that will have to do. I'm sure you get the idea. This is what happens when an over-thinker attempts to be funny or witty.

Changing gears...does the following scenario sound familiar?...

You find yourself giving the same nagging advice to your partner (or maybe a friend, family member, or colleague) repeatedly. You see what they could be doing better. If only they would just listen to you, they could fix their problem. It would be as easy as that.

You keep giving this advice because you know it would work. You're surprised that it's not as clear to them as it is to you. You find yourself volunteering this advice constantly, maybe with an occasional preach or rant telling this person what they should do. Many iterations of these outward attempts to help or fix this person builds up what feels like heat in the gut. You judge. You're frustrated. You're angry. Why don't they just listen to you?

Time goes by. You go through something in your own life. You're hit by some sort of unpredictability or vulnerability. And BAM. You realize you haven't been following that same advice you've been giving this person...at all. You're a phony. You're a fraud. You're exposed. But you had no clue! You really thought you could see what was best for this other person. You were trying to help. You became angry that they couldn't/wouldn't just listen to you, apply what you were saying, and fix it.

Hint: the problem was probably never the other person. So what was it? What are you angry at?

When you preach or give unsolicited advice to others, especially if it's volunteered, constant, and generates judgment and anger, this action can be used as an amazing queue to listen to the advice you're giving out...and take it/apply it in your own life.

Because that's what you really want to happen. That's why you're frustrated. It's not the other person. You can't figure out how to take your own advice. You simply see the same thing manifesting in front of you in the other person (they don't know how to apply the advice you're giving), so you resist it because you don't know how to apply it either, and that hurts to face.

This lesson comes up for me often, and it slapped me in the face again recently. I talk about it through a story in this quick episode.

When you preach or volunteer 'fix-it' advice (as I call it), you are the one that usually need to hear it most. Us humans tend to project our own messes out onto others. This can be tricky or easily missed if you're not paying close attention. If you find yourself preaching or trying to fix another person, use that as a queue to check-in with yourself instead. See what happens.

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Last week, the episode on grief was oddly perfectly timed with Thanksgiving. Ironically, the new one I just posted is also perfectly timed. It's an episode on binge eating....the day after Thanksgiving weekend. I swear I didn't plan it. I love serendipitous things like this. Makes me feel a certain way. It feels good. Like things are rolling as they should.

The new episode is a follow-up to Episode #018: Binge eating - the cycle of restricting, binging & shame. After the realization I came to in that episode, I practiced mindfulness around eating and paid attention to my other behaviors and habits (that I could notice) around food.

If you listen to the end of the new episode, I discuss the possibility of completing a radical sacrifice when it comes to food. I envision this sacrifice as a step that may propel me toward who I envision myself to be. What would life look like without constantly living for/chasing the cravings? What would my experiences look like? How much space would I clear up in my mind for other things? Who would I be? What would I do? What would I create?

Real-time update: I'm partaking in the above-mentioned sacrifice as I type this out (4 days in). I will probably follow up with another episode debriefing how I feel in about 4-5 weeks (or later, depending on how many episodes I record before then). Stay tuned!

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I didn't plan for this episode to be released right before Thanksgiving. It just happened. Based on the order of episodes I recorded and how the days fell, today was the day it ended up being released. This is interesting, because it feels like the perfect episode to post right before Thanksgiving. I never strive to play God, and I don't know what you need. But this is a message that I think many people would find useful, especially as we gear up to see our families for the holidays. So...cool timing.

A few months back, I was doing yoga. A song I had never heard before began to play. It struck me deep. I'm not sure if it was the melody, the lyrics, both, or something else, but it hit a part of me that obviously needed to be released. In what felt like an instant, I began to mourn the loss of my mom.

The mourning felt like a tidal wave and grew intense. I cried, I felt, and it seemed was like I was being split open fast. Here's the interesting thing....my mom is still alive.

Through the experience, I learned that this 'simulated grief' (as I call it), an unpleasant emotion, can turn into pleasant emotions such as gratitude, love, and presence...if simply felt. Through feeling the grief, I saw how not present I was in my relationships. I couldn't imagine losing my mom. Visualizing it and feeling it (to the extent that I could) made me desire just one more moment with her, to which that moment I would give my everything, my full love, my full presence. The realization that she was still alive felt like a 'rebirth' or second chance, which created this intense gratitude for life and for her. It also created the desire to to be present in the future moments I have with her. Not distracted, not on my phone, not shut off, not thinking about other things, but there with her...in mind, body and spirit. That felt like such a rich gift.

Through this experience, I learned that I need to feel the bad in order to gain access to the good. If I don't have the courage to feel the bad to get to the good, I remain stuck in a state where I do not feeling anything. This is where I have been for most of my life. Numb is not ideal. Numbness hurts.

The unproductive defense mechanism I have been conditioned to use to deal with the hard parts of life is to shut off. Now, I use this 'simulated grief' practice when I feel like I need to be 'cracked open.' Sometimes, the practice still finds me unexpectedly like it did the first time. Tune in to hear the full story and learn about it.

Oh, and a Happy (early) Thanksgiving to you and yours! If you listen in, I hope the episode inspires you to create a moment of presence with someone you love. Life is short, and it never seems like we get enough of those.

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I get warm and fuzzy feelings in my tummy when I think about flow states. When I say 'flow state,' you are probably envisioning the same feeling that I am. How you and I each achieve our individual flow states is probably not the same. Maybe you get into yours via rock climbing, playing an instrument, speaking on stage, doing comedy, reading, painting, drawing, or another activity. I get into mine via dancing and yoga. But once you've touched your individual flow state, you know what it feels like. And it's a feeling we can both probably agree upon. Divine, effortless, amazing, blissful, right...a space with zero resistance that you never want to leave.

Because this space can feel so perfect, it's reasonable to desire it often. Sometimes that desire can turn into greed. It can for me, and it does. When I get greedy with my flow state, I start pushing, striving, and forcing it to come about. My efforts become half-ass and inorganic, and the results are often sub par. I usually feel 'off' with the entire experience. Like something isn't right, but I can't put my finger on what isn't right. There is a block of some sort. Like I am trying to make something happen that doesn't want to happen.

It sometimes takes multiple iterations of me attempting to forcefully bring on my flow state to even notice I'm doing it, and then the lesson reveals itself: stop forcing. Easy enough, right? It sounds easy, but it's not so easy sometimes.

It happened for me recently, and I talk about it in a new podcast episode. It's a quickie, but if you don't have the 13 minutes to listen, here are the cliff notes. Pay attention when you feel yourself getting greedy with your flow state and remember this: All you can do is create the conditions for your flow state to arrive, but one thing you can never do is make it arrive. It just doesn't work. So simple in theory, yet so easy to forget in practice. If any of this resonates, what is it that you need to do to get to a place that doesn't feel forced? That's a great question to ponder. Maybe you need to change things up. Maybe you need a break. Maybe you're looking in the wrong place. Maybe you need to try something new. It doesn't feel good when you're forcing things. It brings about resistance. And I see resistance as a sign that it's probably time to shake things up.

I have a tendency to try to force/control everything around me, but I'm continually reminded that it feels infinitely better when I just allow whatever is going to happen, to happen - even if that means allowing a period without the flow, or if I'm in a slump, trying something new to find the flow. That's life. We're not always granted our flow. And we're certainly not entitled to it. The closer we get to fully accepting that, ironically, the closer we get to it. Life is tricky, eh? Sure keeps us on our toes...

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