I will fight to the death to prove that I am right. And there's a part of me that loves doing it.

 

I've been this way since I can consciously remember. I file every email I receive and save it into a labeled folder that I can pull from in case I need to show proof of something I or someone else said or did. I prefer to communicate in writing for this very reason. If questioned in a conversation, I enjoy pulling up statistics or articles to prove what I am saying has scientific backing. I also love to counter studies and statistics with anecdotal evidence that science can't explain. On top of this, I have a crazy memory. I can often recall specifics of past experiences, situations, or conversations. I use this data as 'ammo' if I am ever in a confrontational situation with another person. I sniff out contradiction easily, and I don't hesitate to point it out if I see it.

 

The point: I have a wired mechanism within me to manipulate whatever is in front of me to prove that I am right. If I am right, the opposing force is wrong. I win. And winning feels good.

This mechanism has helped me achieve things. It can, and has, been helpful in certain situations. This behavior has also pulled me far, far away from vulnerability. Because vulnerability is a precursor for connection, I lack the tools to connect with other humans. That is not good. In this episode, I reflect on this. Sure, I can pull up an email, text, or recollect a past conversation to try and make myself 'win' for some things in life. But winning, in this regard, lacks depth and meaning. What about when it comes to things admitting my thick self absorption? Or letting someone know that they have helped or inspired me? Or intentionally moving myself to the backseat to allow someone else to have their moment in the spotlight? Or making the necessary moves to right my wrongs with the people I've hurt or judged? There are no statistics, email, or science that can help me with those things. Those things come from allowing myself to be vulnerable. And if I'm always 'winning', I'm not being vulnerable. And if I'm not being vulnerable, I'm not giving myself the platform for true connection. And without connection, we suffer. It is hard for me to admit fault, acknowledge a personal flaw, or admit when I am wrong. But I find that when I do, life feels so much better. Like....loads better. I metaphysically lose about 10 lbs whenever I find the courage to take responsibility where it is owed. This seems to be an emerging theme in my life as of late. Vulnerability is hard. But like anything hard, it's a practice. The more it is practiced, the less you suck at it.

 

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