Zhang Fei discovers that all you need to do to get the Riverlands’ finest to switch sides is to say please.

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Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 80.

Last time, Liu Bei had lost Master Young Phoenix, Pang Tong, to an ambush. So he asked Zhuge Liang to come to the Riverlands to bail him out. Zhuge Liang left Guan Yu in charge of Jing Province and set off. He sent Zhang Fei along the main land route while he himself traveled by water with the general Zhao Yun. Zhang Fei had little trouble from the locals until he reached Ba (1) County, where a stubborn general named Yan Yan dared to stand in his way.

So Zhang Fei sent a messenger to Yan Yan, and this messenger conveyed the following sentiments from Zhang Fei:

“Old fool. If you hurry up and surrender, then I will spare your civilians. If you resist, then I will stomp your city flat and leave no one, not even the old and the young!”

This messenger probably did not make it very far past “Old fool …” before Yan Yan blew his lid.

“How dare that bastard be so rude! I am not one to submit to traitors!”

But Yan Yan did not shoot the messenger, since beheading was the preferred form of execution during this time. But seriously, Yan Yan actually allowed the messenger to keep his head.

“I will use you to deliver my message back to Zhang Fei!” he said.

 

But while the messenger got to keep his head, he was not able to keep everything ON his head. Yan Yan ordered his guards to cut off the guy’s ears and nose before letting him go. The poor schmuck scampered back to Zhang Fei in tears and told what happened and what Yan Yan had said. Zhang Fei took it quite well and said, “Hmm, upon further reflection, perhaps I was a little too …”. No, no, just kidding. Actually, Zhang Fei was fuming so hard that he gnashed his teeth and his eyes grew wide. He immediately donned his armor and led a few hundred riders to the foot of the city walls to demand battle, but Yan Yan had told his men to just defend the city and ride out the storm, so the city guards simply rained down insults of all stripes on Zhang Fei.

Zhang Fei was in no mood for this, and he charged to the drawbridge several times, but that was when the guards began raining down arrows in addition to insults, and each time Zhang Fei had to fall back. This went on until nightfall, and no one came out to give Zhang Fei the honorable combat he craved, so he had no choice but to go back to camp and stew in his anger.

 

The next morning, Zhang Fei again led his troops out to challenge for battle. This time, Yan Yan took a shot at him from the defense tower, and the arrow struck Zhang Fei’s helmet, which was like pouring gasoline on the fire that was already raging inside him.

“You old bastard!” Zhang Fei yelled as he pointed at Yan Yan. “If I catch you, I will eat your flesh!”

Surprise surprise. This flesh-eating threat did not make Yan Yan any more inclined to come out of the city. So Zhang Fei cursed from morning till night again, but again went back to camp without a taste of battle.

On the third day, Zhang Fei again went to the foot of the city to demand combat, but was met with more of the same. Now, this place was a mountain town and it was surrounded by hills. Zhang Fei rode up to the top of one hill to get a look down inside the city,...