The second phase of behavior change is by far the most challenging. In fact, most people never make it through complete disconnect. Today we’re going to go over 6 truths you will want to notice as you trudge your way through complete disconnect, and each of these truths will serve as awareness and as a tool to keep pushing you forward. You want change to be a little easier? You’re not going to want to miss this.

Welcome to Your Living Health, the podcast where we talk about real life strategies to reduce chronic inflammation. Each episode will uncover tools for you to lose weight and achieve optimal health. I’m your host, Carly Lucchesi, I’m a UC Davis trained registered dietitian and I’m also a life coach. Together let’s coach through the science of inflammation, but in a way that is simple, purposeful and fun.

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Hey there! Today we get to dig into the second phase of behavior change. BUT, for those of you who haven’t yet listened to episode 17 I ask that you stop now! And go back and listen to the previous episode first. We are doing a 4-part series to better understand each of the phases of behavior change, all so that we can really own this area of our lives once and for all. Behavior change can be quite difficult, and the most difficult part of behavior change is absolutely, without a doubt, no questions asked… complete disconnect. This is the part where giving up seems like the smart thing to do, even though you want nothing more than to make this change. But I also want to offer you the sweet reality that there is nothing more rewarding than moving through phase 2 and being able to arrive at phase 3 and look back over what you’ve conquered. As a quick recap, phase 1 is the lightbulb moment where you have finally decided to make a change and you’ve set a timeline you want to achieve it in. There are 4 common pitfalls you can fall into, but also 4 useful tools you can use to keep yourself moving forward. Now comes phase 2 of behavior change which is of course, complete disconnect.

This is where the change you’re trying to accomplish seems downright impossible. Let’s say you’re trying to lose weight. You’re decided to make a change, you’ve moved past the honeymoon period of excitement and momentum, and now you’ve landed right into complete disconnect. This looks like stepping on the scale and seeing your weight plateau despite doing everything right. This phase sounds like your brain relentlessly telling you “screw it, I’m never going to lose this weight anyway”. When you’re in the heart of complete disconnect, it’s likely you’ll lose hope and give up completely. You’ll passively fall back into old behavior patterns despite all the work you’ve invested. It just seems too impossible, and no longer worth your time and stress. Lies will litter this phase, sounding like “I’ll do it later” or “it won’t matter if I…” “nobody will notice” “It’ll be fine if I skip today, I’ll just pick back up tomorrow”

There are 6 different truths of complete disconnect I want us to focus on today. My hope is that if you come into complete disconnect already knowing what to expect, you will be able to normalize and better be able to manage your mind as you trudge your way through. So let’s begin with brutal truth number one that when you embark to do something you’ve never done before, you will not believe you can do it. It is likely you will lie to yourself when you begin, firmly telling yourself that you know this will work this time, that you’re finally committing 100%. But your hope behind this bold statement is that you can trick yourself into believing yourself. Maybe if I say it confident enough, or often enough, I will finally believe it’s possible. But unfortunately, lying to yourself rarely works. And saying affirmations you don’t believe, don’t do much good either. The nasty truth is that you will doubt your future possibilities because your brain will be using evidence from your past to determine what’s possible for your future. But you’ve never been able to do this in your past, so your brain from the start is setting you up for failure. Whether it’s not reaching the goal at all, or having the ability to stay at the goal long term. You will come into complete disconnect subconsciously and unwillingly holding a belief that this isn’t possible, especially not for you.

Truth 2 will be a challenge, mostly because it will cause you to feel completely insane most of the time. This is because as you move through complete disconnect, you will need to learn the skill of holding two beliefs at the same time. You will need to hold space for the truth that your toddler brain believes, and hold space for what your adult brain believes, both at the same time. Because coming into this phase, just remember and accept that your brain will not believe you can do this. And seriously, that is ok, no need to lie or beat yourself up. BUT, the trick is also deciding (with your adult brain) another truth you are also going to believe. If you’re trying to lose weight, you will come into this phase holding space that this weight loss is impossible, but at the same time 100% possible. And this will make you feel like a complete lunatic. Most days you will be bouncing between belief and disbelief, practically in the same sentence. But here’s the trick, and here’s why holding space for both is extremely important. When you acknowledge that your toddler brain might be right, you’re no longer resisting this thought. But you’re also not indulging in it either. It’s like you’re taking your adult brain and patting your toddler brain on the head saying “I know this is scary, but it’s going to be ok.” Your toddler brain will forever be offering up thoughts from your past, trying to convince you that it’s not possible. And all this work is just it’s attempt to get you to give up ahead of time. But you are a person who is also equally holding space that this weight loss result is 100% possible. AND most importantly, the adult brain has the capacity to override the toddler brain. But how you override the toddler brain will make all the difference. You will want to soothe the toddler brain, while intentionally choosing to keep moving forward. You will begin to talk back to your brain with words like “I know this doesn’t seem possible, and you might be right, but let’s just see what happens.” Do you feel that energy shift?! This is a beautiful bridge thought between “this isn’t possible” and “this is possible”, you’re lovingly holding space for both to be true, AND you’re deciding which belief you are going to take action from. Successfully moving through phase 2 of behavior change will be littered with opportunities to soothe your toddler brain, AND decide which belief you are going to take action from. Both thoughts will feel equally true in this phase, that you can’t do it and that you can. You get to choose which thought you want to take action from.

Truth 3 will be fully accepting and understanding that you have no systems or processes established to do what you are trying to do. You will fumble, try one thing that sucks, try another attempt that you don’t like, try something that’s great but still feels awkward. You have never done this thing before, which is why you don’t know how to do it yet. Be kind to yourself as you fumble and stumble your way into a system that works. Nothing has gone wrong when this path doesn’t feel smooth, that is because you get to decide how you want to get there, and you get to decide what works best for you for the long term. BUT you will try every single other thing in the process of finding this easier path. Don’t get mad, this just is the journey through behavior change.

Truth 4 as you stumble through behavior change, will be fiercely loving yourself each time you fall. There are so many opportunities to love yourself as you move through behavior change, equal to the opportunities there are to beat yourself up. You will need to choose to offer love instead of judgement. Your adult brain has boldly decided to pursue a goal you’ve never been able to do before. Your toddler brain will be trying to sell you out of this goal at every corner, your systems and processes will lead you to stumbling and falling most days, and you won’t yet have any results to use as momentum to keep pushing you forward. But you have a secret power hidden in your back pocket. This power is to relentlessly love yourself and catch yourself through the chaos of complete disconnect. Love your toddler brain’s attempts to get you to quit, understanding that your toddler brain is just trying to keep you safe. Love yourself as you make mistakes, because if there were no mistakes then you wouldn’t be taking enough action. Love yourself as your results aren’t exactly what you anticipated, because if you knew what to expect you would have used that as your goal. You will fall back into old patterns, you will start again the next morning, you will hammer an entire bag of chips…. This is just inevitable with weight loss. BUT, you get to decide to love yourself despite the stumbles, AND you get to decide what you’re going to make these stumbles mean. When I’m making behavior change, I am careful to not allow my results to mean anything about me. Good or bad. I think it makes loving myself easier if I’m not allowing my results to mean something about me as a person.  Loving yourself will be a super-power skill as you move through complete disconnect, and this skill will continue to serve you even after this change becomes the new you.

Truth 5 as you move through complete disconnect is a willingness to KEEP TAKING ACTION. Inch by inch, hour by hour, day by day, you will need to commit to taking action towards this goal. Your action will look different each day. Some days will be a huge leap forward, most days will feel like you’re barely making any changes at all. The most valuable action you will take will be the little things, where you’re more stepping into alignment with this new version of yourself vs. making some dramatic change to who you are as a person. When you’re losing weight, the action that will be the most impactful might look like deciding to put your shoes on. Then deciding to allow an urge. Then deciding to fast for one more hour. Then deciding to choose some chicken instead of chips. Then deciding to love yourself even though you ate the chips. Then deciding to say tomorrow will be better when you step on the scale and you’re 1 pound up. You will need to be taking action from the TFA cycle you are intentionally choosing from your adult brain. The TFA cycle that this is possible, while comforting your toddler brain saying, “let’s just see what happens”. Most of the action you take will feel burdensome, not feel like enough, and not seem worth it. But that’s ok, you get to choose to keep taking action anyway, even when your brain is trying to sell you that this isn’t possible. You get to keep taking action, while just repeating to yourself, “Let’s just see what happens.”

And finally, truth 6 will be re-evaluate how you will measure success. Coming into this behavior change, it’s likely that you will measure success based on how much closer you are to the end goal. When it comes to weight loss, usually success is measured by a number on a scale. But this is a marker of success that will not serve you most days. If you use objective measurements to determine how well you are doing, you are deciding to make this journey an emotional rollercoaster doomed to fail. You will want to re-evaluate how to measure success based on factors you can control, and on factors that matter. You cannot control a number on a scale, it just is. But what you can control, and what matters 10,000% more, is how you show up for yourself every day. What if you measured success based on how you talked to yourself when you failed? Or what if you measured success by how many times you followed through with action even when you didn’t want to? What about measuring success by laughing at the attempts of your toddler brain to knock you off track? How different would your weight loss journey look if these were the things you looked at to determine if you were closer to your goal? When I’m losing weight, it is so much more valuable for me to have loved myself when I stumbled, vs beating myself into weighing ½ pound less on a scale. When I commit to action even when I don’t want to, then next day I trust myself more. Those are the measures of success that matter, because those are the characteristics that remain in alignment with this new you, even when the goal has been achieved.

So in summary, there are 6 truths you will want to know about to make getting through the phase of complete disconnect a little easier. The first truth is that you will not believe you can do this, and that’s ok. The second truth will be learning the art of holding space for two beliefs at the same time. Believing in tandem that you can’t do this, but that you also you 100% can. Truth 3 will be embracing that you have no idea what the heck you’re doing. You have no systems, no processes, and most days will look like stumbling through a dark room with lots of furniture. And this is ok too. Truth 4 will be fiercely loving yourself as you stumble and make mistakes. If you beat yourself up when you stumble, chances are you will hesitate to keep moving forward. Truth 5 will be a willingness to keep taking action, even when those actions seem trivial, stupid and not good enough. You get to decide to keep taking action anyway, always seeking to be more in alignment with this new you that you envision for your future. And finally, truth 6 will be to re-evaluate from the start how you measure success. Make sure you are measuring your success based on things that matter, not on objective measurements that you cannot control. You know you’ve got this, make sure to give yourself plenty of Atta girls and winks in the mirror along the way.

For those of you who are already embracing phase 2 of behavior change, you are amazing. Phase 2 is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do, and that is why most people fail. But use this information to arm yourself with the skills to keep moving forward, inch by inch, until you finally fall into the space of momentum and payoff. We’re going to dive into phase 3 of behavior change next week, and I hope you’ll join me there. Don’t forget to book your free consult at yourlivinghealth.com, space is limited. Enjoy your day everyone, bye!

Hey! Change is hard, and doing it without professional guidance can make it seem impossible. If you are willing to do the work, I can make your path to longevity straight and strategic. Take the first step and head over to yourlivinghealth.com and book your free consult so we can chat about your unique situation. And please, take a second or two and leave me a review. Thank you for your interest in reducing your chronic inflammation, and I’ll talk to you next week!