Will vs Skill: The Parenting Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

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Episode Introduction

Ever catch yourself thinking, "My kid is just being lazy / rude / defiant"… and then immediately feel your chest tighten and your tone get sharp?

In this episode of Emotions with Ease, I'm unpacking one of my all-time favorite parenting mindset shifts: Will vs Skill. It's a simple question that can totally change how you see your child's behavior and how you respond to it:

Is this a will issue (they won't)… or a skill issue (they can't yet)?

I'll walk you through real-life examples (homework battles, sass, messes, and even kid-sized lying), and show you how shifting from "They won't" to "They don't know how… yet" gives you clear next steps, more compassion, and way less shame—for both of you.

⏱️ Timestamps & Highlights 0:02 – Welcome & Why This Mindset Shift Matters

• Introduction to the Will vs Skill concept

• How Jami first learned it at a TBRI conference as a school counselor

• The moment she thought, "Oh… this changes everything"

1:18 – Will vs Skill: What Are We Talking About?

• The difference between:

  • Will issue → won't do it

  • Skill issue → can't yet do it

• Why this is both a mindset shift and a paradigm shift for parents

• How this tool can disrupt cycles of anger, frustration, and power struggles

2:38 – When We Assume It's "Will": Where We Get Stuck

• Common parent thoughts:

  • "She's just being lazy."

  • "He's so disrespectful."

  • "She's doing this just to annoy me."

• How our bodies react:

  • Tight chest

  • Sharper tone

  • "Battle of control" spiral

• Why "They're just lazy/defiant" leaves you with no helpful next step

3:51 – The Shift: What If It's Actually a Skill Issue?

• Reframing: "They can't yet" instead of "They won't"

• Possible missing skills:

  • Self-regulation

  • Motivation

  • Organization

  • Communication

  • Empathy

• Why skill issues always offer a next step (teach, model, practice)

5:25 – The Bike-Riding Analogy

• You'd never say, "My kid just doesn't want to balance."

• You'd notice: they need help, guidance, and practice

• Applying that same compassion to emotional and behavioral skills

6:40 – Real-Life Example #1: The 12-Year-Old Who Won't Do Homework

• Will lens:

  • "He's lazy."

  • "He doesn't care about school."

  • "He's unmotivated."

  • Next step = grounding, screens removed, lots of control + lectures

• Skill lens:

  • Maybe it's organization (tornado backpack, no systems)

  • Maybe it's time management (no plan for time after practice)

  • Maybe it's confusion (he actually needs a tutor)

• How assuming "skill" opens up better questions and more helpful support

8:54 – Real-Life Example #2: The 8-Year-Old With Attitude

• Directive: "Hey babe, it's time to feed the dog."

• Response: eye roll, "You feed the dog."

• Will lens: "She's rude. She's disrespectful." → no real next step

• Skill lens:

  • She might be missing the skill of expressing disagreement respectfully

  • She may be overwhelmed with too many directives at once

• Practical coaching script:

  • "I'd like your tone to match my tone."

  • Giving her exact words to use instead ("Mom, can you give me one thing at a time?")

12:49 – Real-Life Example #3: "My Kid Never Cleans Up Unless I Nag"

• Parent story: "I always have to tell him five times."

• Will lens: He's lazy. He doesn't care.

• Skill lens:

  • Missing executive functioning skills (sequencing, planning)

  • Missing time awareness

  • Needs help with transitions (e.g., 60-second warnings before cleanup)

• How to scaffold and build these skills instead of just nagging

14:43 – You Won't Nail It Every Time (And That's Okay)

• Sometimes you'll guess the wrong skill—no big deal

• You adjust, try another angle, and keep problem-solving

• Parenting as a puzzle without the picture on the box

• Bringing your kid into the conversation:

  • "I know you're not lazy. I see you on the soccer field."

  • "What skill do you think might be missing here?"

16:45 – Why This Removes Shame (and Why That Matters)

• Labeling kids as "lazy" or "defiant" creates shame, not motivation

• Shame sits at the lowest emotional frequency and shuts kids down

• Seeing behavior as a skill gap turns it into:

  • A problem we solve together

  • A chance to build confidence and competence

17:53 – Brain Science Moment: Wise Owl Brain & Regulation

• When kids are dysregulated (angry, overwhelmed, shut down), their Wise Owl brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline

• In those moments, they literally cannot access their best skills

• Order of operations:

  1. Regulate first (co-regulate with them)

  2. Teach the skill later once they're calm

19:12 – Real-Life Example #4: The "Tiny Lie" and the Redo

• Jami's story of her child adding details to a story that didn't happen

• The fork in the road:

  • "She's a liar" (will) → shame spiral + power struggle

  • "This is a skill issue" → opportunity to practice truth-telling

• The powerful tool of a redo:

  • Offering a do-over

  • Re-enacting the conversation

  • Celebrating: "You are a truth-teller."

23:52 – Weekly Tool: Your New Go-To Question

• When frustration hits, ask: 👉 "Is this a will issue or a skill issue?"

• Then assume skill so you can:

  • Find a clear next step

  • Teach, model, and practice with your child

  • Remove shame from the equation

• Reminder: wait until their Wise Owl brain is back online before teaching

25:25 – Wrap-Up & Encouragement

• Will vs Skill helps you:

  • Parent with more ease

  • Lead with grace and compassion

  • Still hold your family values

• This tool works at any age and in any season of parenting

🔑 Key Takeaways

• "Will vs Skill" is a game-changing parenting lens. When you assume skill instead of will, you get clarity, compassion, and next steps.

• If it's a skill issue, there is always a next step. You can teach, model, practice, scaffold, and support.

• If you treat it as a will issue, you often end up with shame and power struggles. Labels like "lazy," "rude," and "defiant" shut kids (and parents) down.

• Big behavior usually points to a missing skill, not a broken character. Think: organization, time management, emotional regulation, communication, empathy, executive functioning.

• Regulate first, teach later. A dysregulated brain can't access its best skills. Help them calm, then coach.

• Redos are powerful. They let kids practice the skill you actually want—without the shame storm.

• Assuming skill protects your relationship. It keeps you and your child on the same team, solving a problem together.

📣 Strong CTA (Call to Action)

If this episode helped you exhale and think, "Okay, I can do this differently," would you:

👉 Share it with one parenting friend who's stuck in the "they just won't listen" loop? 👉 Screenshot and tag me on Instagram @sacredgroundcoaching with your favorite takeaway?

Keywords: will vs skill, parenting mindset shift, child behavior, kids big emotions, emotional regulation for kids, TBRI, positive parenting tools