Will vs Skill: The Parenting Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

And if worry is a frequent guest at your house, don't forget to grab my free Worry Toolkit. It's 10 days of quick, practical tools to help your whole family live with more ease and less anxiety—straight to your inbox.

Episode Introduction

Ever catch yourself thinking, "My kid is just being lazy / rude / defiant"… and then immediately feel your chest tighten and your tone get sharp?

In this episode of Emotions with Ease, I'm unpacking one of my all-time favorite parenting mindset shifts: Will vs Skill. It's a simple question that can totally change how you see your child's behavior and how you respond to it:

Is this a will issue (they won't)… or a skill issue (they can't yet)?

I'll walk you through real-life examples (homework battles, sass, messes, and even kid-sized lying), and show you how shifting from "They won't" to "They don't know how… yet" gives you clear next steps, more compassion, and way less shame—for both of you.

⏱️ Timestamps & Highlights 0:02 – Welcome & Why This Mindset Shift Matters

• Introduction to the Will vs Skill concept

• How Jami first learned it at a TBRI conference as a school counselor

• The moment she thought, "Oh… this changes everything"

1:18 – Will vs Skill: What Are We Talking About?

• The difference between:

  • Will issue → won't do it

  • Skill issue → can't yet do it

• Why this is both a mindset shift and a paradigm shift for parents

• How this tool can disrupt cycles of anger, frustration, and power struggles

2:38 – When We Assume It's "Will": Where We Get Stuck

• Common parent thoughts:

  • "She's just being lazy."

  • "He's so disrespectful."

  • "She's doing this just to annoy me."

• How our bodies react:

  • Tight chest

  • Sharper tone

  • "Battle of control" spiral

• Why "They're just lazy/defiant" leaves you with no helpful next step

3:51 – The Shift: What If It's Actually a Skill Issue?

• Reframing: "They can't yet" instead of "They won't"

• Possible missing skills:

  • Self-regulation

  • Motivation

  • Organization

  • Communication

  • Empathy

• Why skill issues always offer a next step (teach, model, practice)

5:25 – The Bike-Riding Analogy

• You'd never say, "My kid just doesn't want to balance."

• You'd notice: they need help, guidance, and practice

• Applying that same compassion to emotional and behavioral skills

6:40 – Real-Life Example #1: The 12-Year-Old Who Won't Do Homework

• Will lens:

  • "He's lazy."

  • "He doesn't care about school."

  • "He's unmotivated."

  • Next step = grounding, screens removed, lots of control + lectures

• Skill lens:

  • Maybe it's organization (tornado backpack, no systems)

  • Maybe it's time management (no plan for time after practice)

  • Maybe it's confusion (he actually needs a tutor)

• How assuming "skill" opens up better questions and more helpful support

8:54 – Real-Life Example #2: The 8-Year-Old With Attitude

• Directive: "Hey babe, it's time to feed the dog."

• Response: eye roll, "You feed the dog."

• Will lens: "She's rude. She's disrespectful." → no real next step

• Skill lens:

  • She might be missing the skill of expressing disagreement respectfully

  • She may be overwhelmed with too many directives at once

• Practical coaching script:

  • "I'd like your tone to match my tone."

  • Giving her exact words to use instead ("Mom, can you give me one thing at a time?")

12:49 – Real-Life Example #3: "My Kid Never Cleans Up Unless I Nag"

• Parent story: "I always have to tell him five times."

• Will lens: He's lazy. He doesn't care.

• Skill lens:

  • Missing executive functioning skills (sequencing, planning)

  • Missing time awareness

  • Needs help with transitions (e.g., 60-second warnings before cleanup)

• How to scaffold and build these skills instead of just nagging

14:43 – You Won't Nail It Every Time (And That's Okay)

• Sometimes you'll guess the wrong skill—no big deal

• You adjust, try another angle, and keep problem-solving

• Parenting as a puzzle without the picture on the box

• Bringing your kid into the conversation:

  • "I know you're not lazy. I see you on the soccer field."

  • "What skill do you think might be missing here?"

16:45 – Why This Removes Shame (and Why That Matters)

• Labeling kids as "lazy" or "defiant" creates shame, not motivation

• Shame sits at the lowest emotional frequency and shuts kids down

• Seeing behavior as a skill gap turns it into:

  • A problem we solve together

  • A chance to build confidence and competence

17:53 – Brain Science Moment: Wise Owl Brain & Regulation

• When kids are dysregulated (angry, overwhelmed, shut down), their Wise Owl brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline

• In those moments, they literally cannot access their best skills

• Order of operations:

  1. Regulate first (co-regulate with them)

  2. Teach the skill later once they're calm

19:12 – Real-Life Example #4: The "Tiny Lie" and the Redo

• Jami's story of her child adding details to a story that didn't happen

• The fork in the road:

  • "She's a liar" (will) → shame spiral + power struggle

  • "This is a skill issue" → opportunity to practice truth-telling

• The powerful tool of a redo:

  • Offering a do-over

  • Re-enacting the conversation

  • Celebrating: "You are a truth-teller."

23:52 – Weekly Tool: Your New Go-To Question

• When frustration hits, ask: 👉 "Is this a will issue or a skill issue?"

• Then assume skill so you can:

  • Find a clear next step

  • Teach, model, and practice with your child

  • Remove shame from the equation

• Reminder: wait until their Wise Owl brain is back online before teaching

25:25 – Wrap-Up & Encouragement

• Will vs Skill helps you:

  • Parent with more ease

  • Lead with grace and compassion

  • Still hold your family values

• This tool works at any age and in any season of parenting

🔑 Key Takeaways

• "Will vs Skill" is a game-changing parenting lens. When you assume skill instead of will, you get clarity, compassion, and next steps.

• If it's a skill issue, there is always a next step. You can teach, model, practice, scaffold, and support.

• If you treat it as a will issue, you often end up with shame and power struggles. Labels like "lazy," "rude," and "defiant" shut kids (and parents) down.

• Big behavior usually points to a missing skill, not a broken character. Think: organization, time management, emotional regulation, communication, empathy, executive functioning.

• Regulate first, teach later. A dysregulated brain can't access its best skills. Help them calm, then coach.

• Redos are powerful. They let kids practice the skill you actually want—without the shame storm.

• Assuming skill protects your relationship. It keeps you and your child on the same team, solving a problem together.

📣 Strong CTA (Call to Action)

If this episode helped you exhale and think, "Okay, I can do this differently," would you:

👉 Share it with one parenting friend who's stuck in the "they just won't listen" loop? 👉 Screenshot and tag me on Instagram @sacredgroundcoaching with your favorite takeaway?

Keywords: will vs skill, parenting mindset shift, child behavior, kids big emotions, emotional regulation for kids, TBRI, positive parenting tools

When Divorce Hits Home: How to Support Your Kids (with Therapist Lindsey Racz, LPC)

✨ Grab the free Back-to-School Worry Toolkit for calm mornings and confident kids! Come hang out with me on Instagram @sacredgroundcoaching for more tools like this.

Episode Introduction

Divorce is one of those topics that can stir big feelings for both the grown-ups and the kiddos. And if you're in the thick of it, you already know — it can feel like trying to parent while your insides are on fire.

In this episode of Emotions with Ease, I sat down with one of my favorite humans: Lindsey Racz, Licensed Professional Counselor, supervisor, women's mental health expert, co-owner of Truth & Counsel, and mom of four. Lindsey brings a rare mix of wisdom, warmth, brain science, and "here's what to actually DO" advice.

We talk:✔️ How to help kids feel secure during divorce✔️ What emotionally sturdy parenting looks like✔️ The four S's kids need (and how to give them)✔️ When to get extra support✔️ How to know if you need to do some emotional work✔️ Why self-compassion is a brain-changing superpower✔️ And the rituals, routines, and practical tools every parent can use

If you're navigating a hard season or love someone who is — this episode is packed with validation, hope, and tools you can use today.

⏱️ Timestamp Breakdown & Highlights

0:15 – Welcome + Meet Lindsey Race

• Why you're going to love her (hint: this woman knows her stuff).
• Lindsey's background in psychology, nutrition, CBT through Oxford, epigenetics & neurobiology.

3:18 – What Kids Actually Need During Divorce

• The "TDC": tough, direct conversations
• Why honest, safe conversations matter
• The four S's from attachment theory: Seen, Soothed, Safe, Secure

4:33 – How to Show Kids You're Still Their Safe Place

• Why words matter less than your presence
• Nonverbal communication that builds safety
• The power of age-appropriate vulnerability

6:10 – What Emotionally Sturdy Parenting Looks Like

• Why doing your emotional work matters
• Lindsey shares her personal divorce story as both a kid and adult
• Therapy, social support, movement, nutrition, and "crying in the bathtub" moments

8:19 – Red Flags That You're Not the Sturdy Parent Right Now

• Bad-mouthing the co-parent
• Quick anger, agitation, or "micro-cumulative" explosions
• Depression signs that often get missed
• The quiet internal voice saying, "I'm not okay"

11:24 – How to Keep Kids Grounded Between Two Homes

• Don't put scheduling on kids (ever).
• Why communication should always be parent-to-parent, never kid-to-parent.
• Personality differences in kids + how moves affect them
• The magic of simple, consistent routines (like "ice cream + Uno" nights)

16:47 – What If I Need a Moderator?

• Who to call
• Where to start
• Why professionals and advocates are key

18:00 – For the Parent Feeling Guilt or Shame

• The sticky nature of shame
• The tool Lindsey believes matters most: self-compassion
• Why perfection is impossible (and not even good for your kids)

20:44 – The Brain Science Behind Self-Compassion

• How self-talk rewires your brain
• What the research says
• The example of the "mom ball-drop moment"
• Caroline Leaf's "little dead trees" concept

28:29 – Lindsey's Personal Answer: What Emotion She's Getting Stuck In

• Emotional parenting: when your mood rides your kids' moods
• The messy beauty of raising teens
• The three-word mantra she leans on: Good Enough Parenting

31:15 – Where to Find Lindsey + Her Team

• TruthandCounsel.com
• @truthandcounsel on IG & Facebook

🌱 Key Takeaways

1. Kids don't need perfect — they need presence.

Your tone, body language, and consistency speak louder than any "right words."

2. Handle the communication (your kids shouldn't).

They didn't choose this situation, so removing the emotional burden is crucial.

3. Traditions anchor kids in uncertain seasons.

It doesn't have to be fancy. Consistency > Pinterest-worthy.

4. If you can't not speak negatively about the co-parent, it's time for deeper work.

No shame — just data for your emotional dashboard.

5. Your emotional health directly impacts your kids' emotional safety.

Therapy, rest, movement, nourishment, connection… they matter.

6. Self-compassion isn't fluffy — it's neuroscience.

It literally rewires your brain and softens shame.

7. "Good Enough Parenting" is the goal.

Not perfection. Not 100%. Not superhuman. Just good enough, most of the time, with repair when needed

🎧 CTA: Listen & Share + Grab the Divorce Conversation Guide

If this episode supported you, please:✨ Subscribe✨ Leave a quick review✨ Share it with a friend or teacher who needs these tools

Resources Mentioned- the brain benefits of journaling https://kindredmind.app/scientific-research-on-journaling/

SEO Keywords: supporting kids through divorce, co-parenting tips, emotional safety for kids, how to help kids during divorce, divorce and kids emotions, coping with divorce as a parent, emotional wellness for families

If this episode hit home — whether you're navigating divorce, grief, or another hard family transition — you don't have to do it solo.

👉 Book your free Discovery Call at sacredgroundcoaching.com (top right corner → Schedule a Free Call). We'll craft language and scripts that feel calm, clear, and true for your unique situation.

And while you're there, grab your free Worry-Free Toolkit — 10 days of practical tools to help kids (and parents) move through worry and big emotions with ease.

If the timing's right, check out the upcoming Wonder Over Worry Workshop — a 3-night experience where parents and kids learn my top 3 tools for calming worry through curiosity and connection.

🎙 Episode Introduction

So, you've had the talk. You told your kids about the divorce, you breathed a giant sigh of relief… and now you're wondering, "Okay, what comes next?" This week on Emotions with Ease, we're diving into Part Two of our divorce series — what to do after the conversation. Because the truth is, telling your kids is just the beginning. In this episode, I'll walk you through how to: Stay emotionally grounded while your kids are wobbling, Avoid the "two-team trap," and Recognize when kids circle back to big feelings months (or years) later. Even if divorce isn't part of your story, these tools work for any hard family season — grief, big moves, job loss, new schools. Let's get you calm, clear, and confident again.

🌱 Key Takeaways

💛 Regulated parents raise regulated kids. Feel your feelings — just make sure they belong to you, not your child.

🧠 Resource yourself. Counselor, coach, friend, or journal — whatever helps you refill your emotional tank so you can keep showing up steady.

🤫 Don't trash-talk the other parent. It only confuses and divides kids. Silence or neutrality is the real flex.

🤝 Stay on the same team. The marriage ended; the parenting didn't. Your relationship changed shape, not purpose.

🔄 Development is a spiral, not a line. When kids revisit the divorce later, it's not regression — it's healthy re-processing.

✨ Name what's yours and model what helps. "I'm sad, so I'm going to journal and take a walk." That's emotional literacy in action.

🧩 Practical Tools from This Episode

The Regulation Script: "I'm feeling a wave of sadness. That's my emotion, and I can handle it."

Maslow Moment: Before any tough talk or revisit, check: Is anyone hungry, tired, or thirsty?

The Pitch Rule: When you really want to swing at that verbal pitch about your ex — don't. Breathe, walk away, vent elsewhere.

The Spiral Visual: Draw a spiral arrow up and to the right on a sticky note. Keep it handy as a reminder that looping back is still moving forward.

If you're facing a big conversation — divorce, loss, or any "life just shifted" moment — you don't have to do it alone.

👉 Book your free discovery call at sacredgroundcoaching.com (top right corner — Schedule a Free Call). I'll help you craft words that feel true, calm, and confident for your unique situation. And while you're at it, grab my Worry-Free Toolkit — 10 days of short, practical tools to help kids (and parents) move through worry with ease.

🎙 Introduction

Let's be real — telling your kids you're getting a divorce feels like one of the heaviest, most heart-wrenching things a parent could ever do. You want to say the right thing, but your brain keeps going, "What even is the right thing?"

In this week's episode of Emotions with Ease, I'm walking you through exactly how to have that first hard conversation — what to say, when to say it, and how to keep your kids feeling safe, seen, and steady. Even if divorce isn't your story, this episode is still worth the listen — because the same tools apply to any hard conversation with your kiddo (think: death, moving, school changes, or big transitions).

🌱 Key Takeaways

✨ Clear is Kind. Kids can handle the truth when it's spoken calmly and clearly. Vague = scary.

🧠 Maslow First. Don't have big talks when someone's hangry, tired, or dehydrated. Meet basic needs before emotional ones.

💬 Say What's Changing—and What's Staying. Kids need anchors like, "You'll still see both of us," or, "Your bedtime routine won't change."

👂 Keep It Short. The first talk isn't the whole talk. Let them process and circle back later.

❤️ Reassure, Reassure, Reassure. Say, "This is a grown-up problem. It's not your fault." Then say it again. 🤝 If You Can, Tell Them Together. Unity between parents (even just for 10 minutes) gives kids stability.

🧩 Practical Tools Mentioned

Maslow Check: Is anyone hungry, tired, or thirsty? If yes, postpone.

Script Prompts by Age: Littles, elementary, tweens/teens — plug and play from the episode.

Follow-Up Plan: Check in that night, 2–3 days later, and again after a week.

Anchor List: Write down 2–3 things changing, and 2–3 things that stay the same.

✨ Grab the free Back-to-School Worry Toolkit for calm mornings and confident kids! Come hang out with me on Instagram @sacredgroundcoaching for more tools like thisIf your child is avoiding birthday parties, saying they're "sick" before school, or backing out of activities, you're not alone. Avoidance is the nervous system's way of saying, "This feels too big."

In this episode, I share the Bravery Ladder—a step-by-step tool that helps kids face fears in small, doable steps so confidence grows.

You'll learn:

• A quick litmus test: Is my child's world expanding or shrinking?
• How to build a 5–7 rung Bravery Ladder (collaborative, no rigid timeline)
• How to name the Worry Voice and amplify the Bravery Voice
• Why repetition (and celebration!) rewires the brain

Age-by-age examples:

• 5-year-old (afraid of dogs): photo → calm video → watch from far away → toss ball → 1-second pet → brief fetch
• 10-year-old (speaking in class): read to a stuffed animal → one sentence to parent → paragraph to sibling → record & play back → read to a friend → volunteer one paragraph
• 15-year-old (driving): sit in driver's seat (car off) → turn on & adjust → empty lot → around the block → familiar route → light traffic
• Try it: Build the ladder together, take one rung at a time, and celebrate every step.

Resources Mentioned:

Dr. Tamar Chansky

How to Help Your Child Calm Worry at Bedtime (Without Losing Your Mind)

✨ Grab the free Back-to-School Worry Toolkit for calm mornings and confident kids! Come hang out with me on Instagram @sacredgroundcoaching for more tools like this

If you've ever tucked your child into bed, turned off the lights, and heard: "Hey, Mom…" you already know what's coming next. The worry brain — or what I call the Watchdog Brain — loves to show up at bedtime. And suddenly, your peaceful evening turns into a two-hour spiral of what-ifs and but what abouts.

In this episode of the Emotions with Ease Podcast, I'm sharing exactly what to do when bedtime becomes a worry fest. You'll learn simple, science-backed tools that help calm your child's body and brain so everyone can finally rest.

🌙 Step One: Create a Nighttime Routine A predictable routine cues your child's nervous system that it's time to rest. Dinner, shower, snack, teeth, prayers — whatever rhythm fits your family, try to keep it consistent. Even if life feels chaotic, ask yourself: "What's one small thing we can do every night that says, 'It's bedtime'?" That one step helps their body feel safe and ready for sleep.

📵 Step Two: Limit Screens Before Bed Blue light and fast-paced content keep the brain alert. Experts recommend no screens for two hours before bedtime — but even 30 minutes helps. When the whole family goes screen-free, everyone's nervous system gets the message: it's time to slow down.

🍎 Step Three: Focus on the Roots, Not the Fruit Using my Apple Tree metaphor — the fruit represents your child's behaviors or worries. The roots are what's happening underneath: their sense of safety, their body cues, and their emotions. Don't jump into fixing the worry story ("You'll do fine on your test!"). Start by helping their body feel safe and grounded first.

🪷 Step Four: Calm the Body Through the Senses The nervous system speaks in five languages — sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. Help your child discover what feels calming for them: A weighted blanket or cozy comforter Nightlight or soft hallway glow White noise or a fan A stuffed animal or favorite pillow Ask, "What helps your body feel safe at night?" and build from there.

🌬️ Step Five: Try Body-Based Calm-Down Tools Here are three of my go-to tools that work wonders at bedtime: 1. The Mindful Minute (5-4-3-2-1) Have your child name five things they see, four they can touch, three they can smell, two they can hear, and one they can taste (a sip of water works!). It grounds them in the present moment. 2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation Play a game: "Freeze like ice… now melt!" Have them squeeze their muscles tight for five seconds, then release. It teaches tension release through play. 3. Belly Breathing with a Stuffy Have your child place a stuffed animal on their belly. As they inhale through their nose, tell them, "Make your stuffy rise to the ceiling." As they exhale, the stuffy lowers. Simple, visual, and calming.

💭 Step Six: Help Them Externalize Their Worries When worries stay trapped in the brain, they grow louder. Try one of these ideas to help your child get the worries out: The "Hold My Worries" Ritual – Have them pretend to hand you their worries, and tell them you'll hold them until morning. A Worry Journal – Let older kids write or draw their worries before bed. The Mini Shredder Trick – Have them draw their worry on a Post-it and "shred" it. Watching it disappear can be surprisingly powerful! These small rituals teach kids that worries can be seen, named, and released.

💤 Step Seven: Use Sleep Stories or Calming Audio Try calming bedtime stories on apps like Calm or Headspace, or the YouTube gem Sleepy Paws. The soft rhythm and voice help slow heart rate and bring safety to the nervous system — no screens, just sound.

🌿 Final Thoughts

Helping your child calm worry at bedtime starts with safety, not logic. Build consistency through routine, calm the body before the brain, and use playful rituals that create distance from the "worry voice." You don't need to fix your child's worry — you just need to show up with presence, patience, and a few good tools.

✨ Grab the free Back-to-School Worry Toolkit for calm mornings and confident kids! Come hang out with me on Instagram @sacredgroundcoaching for more tools like this

Intro

Let's be honest: parenting (and partnering) gets real when worry, anger, or overwhelm walks into the room. In this week's Emotions with Ease episode, Jami sits down with her husband, Justin, for an honest (and funny) conversation about what it's like to be in a relationship where one person wrestles with anxiety—and how to stay connected through it. They share stories from 18 years of marriage, how they've learned to support each other through emotional "loops," and the one question that's changed how they handle tough moments. If you've ever thought, "I don't know what to say when my partner is spiraling," or "I just want us to be on the same page," — this one's for you.

Key Takeaways

• You don't have to fix it.
• Your presence matters more than your solutions.
• Ask better questions. "Do you want my ear or my input?" creates instant clarity and connection.
• Movement regulates the mind.
• Protect time for exercise and fresh air—it's medicine for anxiety.
• Talk before you're triggered.
• Discuss what support looks like before the next emotional wave hits.
• Breathing and staying present might sound basic—but they're powerful and evidence-based.

Parent Anxiety Is Real: My Story, Nervous-System Tools, and How to Build Your Support Team

Got a worrier at home? Grab THE BACK TO SCHOOL WORRY TOOLKIT for 10 days of tools sent straight to your inbox!

Have a tool that helps your anxiety? DM me on Instagram (@sacredgroundcoaching) or email [email protected] —I'd love to feature listener strategies in a future episode.

Anxiety is rising—and it often runs in families. In this episode of Emotions with Ease, I (Jami Glenn, Emotional Wellness Coach for Families) share how anxiety showed up in my childhood, how counseling flipped the lights on in my 20s, and the simple, body-first tools I still use as a mom. If you're an anxious parent raising an anxious kid, you'll find validation, language for what you're feeling, and practical next steps you can try today.

Key Takeaways

• Anxiety is often intergenerational. Many anxious kids have at least one anxious parent. Naming that reduces shame.

• Validation is powerful. The right counselor + compassionate language can immediately bring relief and direction.

• Anxiety is a body-first experience. Move the energy (walks, runs, classes) to prevent rumination and agitation.

• Curate your inputs. Swap TV news for reading; don't expose kids' developing brains to scary loops.

• Relationships regulate. Coffee with a friend, a phone call, or a walk-and-talk can downshift your nervous system fast.

• Build your support team. Counseling, coaching, medical/holistic care—different seasons call for different resources.

• Track your "warning lights." Early cues (like 4 a.m. spirals) mean it's time to use your tools on purpose.

Try-It-Today Toolkit

• 5-Minute Reset: Go outside and walk to the end of the street and back—notice your breath and feet.

• Content Audit: Mute one account, turn off autoplay news, or switch to reading headlines only.

• Connection Cue: Text a friend for a 10-minute call or schedule a coffee walk this week.

• Name the Spiral: Write the worry once; set a 2-minute timer; then choose one small action (drink water, stretch, step outside).

• Team Builder: List 2 pros you might add (counselor, coach, PCP/holistic practitioner) and send one inquiry.

Resources Mentioned

• Counseling/therapy (find a good fit; it's okay to try again)

• Body movement you actually enjoy (walks, runs, group classes)

• Supportive friends/community (coffee, calls, walk-and-talks)

• Holistic/medical support (labs, vitamins, whole-person care)

Next Steps:

If this episode was helpful, share it with one parent friend who needs some calm today.