Destination Marriage

Episode #24 – The Five Love Languages for Children

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I’m sure most of you have heard of The Five Love Languages.  It’s a wildly popular book amongst couples and we both enjoyed the insight it brought to our marriage but today is all about the five love languages of children.

Gary Chapman the author of The Five Love Languages teamed up with Ross Campbell with the goal of helping parents gain a better understanding of how to meet the emotional needs of their children.  Ross Campbell was a psychiatrist and the author of several books on parenting and child development.  He passed away in 2012 but over three decades he provided counsel and a wealth of knowledge to thousands of parents.

So, before we jump into the application for children and for any of our listeners that haven’t heard of these before, let’s go over each of them.

  • Physical Touch
  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Gifts
  • Acts of service

    • Emotional Tank – Every person has an emotional tank - babies and children are in the developing stages of determining what truly fills their tank.  Babies needs are much simpler – they need to be held, fed and snuggled but as children become adolescents or teenagers, their needs become more defined and it’s our job as parents to fill their emotional tank.  Filling their tank with each love language provides a strong foundation and provides guidance for them to learn their true love language.

    • Physical Touch – A hug, snuggle time, high five, contact sports
  • Words of Affirmation – Post it notes on the mirror, recognition of their hard work, complimenting them for a job well done with chores, for being a good friend
  • Quality Time – a lunch date, cooking together, a bike ride, a trip – the one on one time makes them feel like they’re the most important person. Your undivided attention also offers up opportunity for conversations that might not take place without that one on one time. It’s best your child comes to you for instruction and guidance rather than seeking guidance from the wrong person.
  • Gifts – Who doesn’t love a gift? When you think of a gift it automatically brings you to happy moments like Christmas or even a birthday. The fine line with children can be unintentionally spoiling them or offering gifts because it’s an easier than tuning in to their other emotional needs. Gifts may in fact be their love language which
  • Acts of Service – We do things for our children that they typically can’t do for themselves like cook or wash their clothes because they have yet to know how to complete these tasks. But we gladly do these things because we love our children – it brings us joy to care for them and in turn they learn how to also perform acts of service with a genuine love. Teaching your child to complete these tasks is also an act of service.

    • Benefits & Purpose of learning your child’s love language

    • Within the home
  • With others at school
  • Future relationships – girlfriend/boyfriend
  • With their future spouse

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    Discipline: Be sure never to use the love language of your child or deny the love language as a form of punishment.  For example…where can parents go wrong? How do we avoid these pitfalls?

    What if I don’t know my child’s love language?

    • Observe how they express love to you as the parent
  • Observe how they treat others – friends or other family members
  • Pay attention to their requests – looking for words of affirmation (example)
  • Give them options between two love languages – would you like to go fishing with dad this weekend or would you like dad to fix the tire on your bike? – quality time vs. acts of service
  • 15 week challenge: If none of those steps work the book suggests a 15 week challenge to better direct you to identifying your child’s primary love language.

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    Destination MarriageBy Tommy & Jackie Keiper
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