The Uncommon Communicator

Episode 25 - Guiding the Passive Aggressive


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The passive aggressive is a complicated individual that complicated our communication

Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a pattern of passive hostility and an avoidance of direct communication.[1][2] Inaction where some action is socially customary is a typical passive-aggressive strategy (showing up late for functions, staying silent when a response is expected).[2] Such behavior is sometimes protested by associates, evoking exasperation or confusion. People who are recipients of passive-aggressive behavior may experience anxiety due to the discordance between what they perceive and what the perpetrator is saying.

1. Lateness


2. Avoidance 

People use many different avoidance strategies to display their aggression without being overt about it. Some examples include: 

  • procrastination 
  • avoiding returning a loved one’s call 
  • avoiding certain topics of discussion, especially if they know the other person wants to discuss those topics 
  • ignoring someone as a form of aggression, such as by not approaching them at a party 

3. Weaponized kindness


4. Sarcasm 


5. Silence 

 

6. Subtle digs 


7. Weaponized incompetence 


There is no single method that works for all types of passive-aggressive behavior. Some options to consider include: 

  • Responding to the emotions: Rather than discussing aggression, it may help to respond to a person’s emotions since passive aggression is an attempt to communicate them. “I know you are upset that I forgot your birthday, and I want to fix it. Can we work on a solution together?”
  • Avoiding counter-aggression: Some people respond to passive-aggression with more passive-aggression. This only undermines communication and can initiate a vicious cycle of escalating aggression. 
  • Countering with open communication: Addressing passive-aggressive behavior for what it is can sometimes be helpful. Try naming the specific behavior, then asking the person to do something different. “When you stop speaking to me when you are angry, it means I cannot resolve the conflict with you. Can we try talking through this instead?”
  • Setting relationship boundaries: When a person refuses to acknowledge their aggression, it can be helpful to draw boundaries about what sort of behavior a person will tolerate. For example, a person might say they will not wait longer than 10 minutes when a loved one is late or continue calling when a person gives them the silent treatment. 
  • Calling a person’s bluff: This can be effective when a person pretends to be unable to do something they actually can. A spouse might ask their partner to sign up for cleaning lessons or watch YouTube videos on styling children’s hair. 

The moment of enlightenment from today

Recognize and address passive aggressive culture.


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The Uncommon CommunicatorBy James Gable

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