In this absolutely unhinged episode of Absinthe Fathers, Andy and Kyle welcome their very first guest — Michael, the mysterious friend who shows up and shows out. Fueled by absinthe and nostalgia, the trio dives into blind rankings of questionable people (yes, including Disney Adults and the Viet Cong), Amish home tours, cursed candies, white people's opinions on Kendrick Lamar and the spiritual trauma of second-grade career day.

Also: Kyle wants to see every famous guy's wiener (for science), Michael almost steals an Amish baby and Andy reveals a heartless elementary school teacher crushed his childhood dream of becoming a knight. We close with a soulful reflection on The Righteous Gemstones, ministry trauma, dream jobs and…uh…eating the p word on a plate?

It’s chaotic. It’s offensive. It’s borderline educational.

We may never be allowed back in church or the Nowata Country Club again.