Living with chronic pain and illness, make birthdays or the marking of time is fraught. Sometimes I haven't wanted to be alive another minute, another day and other times I'm really grateful to still be here. There other times I've been very close to death. I have a terminal illness and have been told I would die. I've thought a lot about my own death and dying. I am in some ways reconciled to my own death and am less afraid of my death than of prolonged/worsening suffering.

While I'm fulling indoctrinated into this culture's nonsense about the ways aging is unacceptable for women. I don't have a lot of baggage about turning 50 because (borrowing from the words of Harry Potter), I'm "the girl who lived!" I wasn't supposed to be here. I've blown through several expiration dates.

Today I am grateful to still be here. That's no small thing considering how depressed I've been recently. Part of what's brought me joy is my circle of friends. Not only did people take time out of their schedule and take time to quarantine before we went over, more than that I'm humbled that I have a few close friends.

Today I'm not rushing to get to the other side. And there will be days when I wish I wasn't here. Maybe you're feeling that today. It's difficult to find your reason to still be here. Most of us have been there.

Listening to a conversation today between Dr. Gabor Mate (When the Body Says No) and Prince Harry. We often talk about the kind of trauma that is born of the things that should not have happened and we often over look the kinds of things that should be present but aren't. And those are the kinds of things that are often absent in the lives of those of us with chronic pain and illness. This is the calculus of loss that we rarely do and others surely never do.

It's so difficult to maintain any relationships with chronic pain and illness. I am so very blessed.

I'm Annette Leonard, speaker, coach, and sick person who believes that my illnesses do not define me. If health is the absence of disease and wellness is the presence of wholeness, then no matter what your disease status, we can work toward your wellness, your wholeness.

Whether or not you are ever "healthy" on paper, you can be well. Join me and others on the path back to wholeness at AnnetteLeonard.com. Whether you are a person experiencing chronic illness or are someone who loves or serves people with chronic illness I have great resources here on this channel or on my website for you.