In this episode, I am answering a question from a listener about sexual compatibility and the importance of sex within a marital relationship. So many couples are misaligned when it comes to sex. Whether it be surrounding the topic of frequency (the most popular one!) or what’s taboo in the bedroom; many couples underestimate the importance of being on the same page about their sex lives! I often tell couples, “Sex isn’t everything. And love isn’t enough to sustain a happy marriage”. But I do believe that these two things are definitely necessary to have a happy, healthy, long-standing marriage. I encourage the couples that I see to have sex as long as they are physically capable of doing so. It’s the lubricant (no pun intended!) that is needed to help when things get “stuck” emotionally. It can provide the grace needed so that you can overlook those little offenses.

I do not advocate for having sex outside of marriage but there are ways in which to find out if you and your partner are sexually compatible. There are several conversations that must be had with each other that are honest and open. It’s important to ask questions that will reveal a person’s VALUES surrounding sex. Asking them if they like this or that isn’t enough. You want to ask questions like “If something happened, physically or emotionally to me and I wasn’t able to have sex for a period of time (let’s say 6 months) what would you think about that?” The answer to this question will reveal to you how important sex really is to that person and it’s crucial that you listen. I’m including my “50 Questions to Ask Before You Have Sex” worksheet so that you can begin to dive deeper with your potential mate to see if you are compatible sexually BEFORE you are married. Click here.

This is a conversation that you will have more than once. You will have this conversation at least four times to get through these questions and to feel comfortable knowing that even if you are both not completely aligned, that you can at least grow and compromise with each other. It’s rare that I have met couples who were perfectly aligned sexually so compromise is key! Check out these books on sexual intimacy!

Lovestruck: Discovering God’s Design for Romance, Marriage, and Sexual Intimacy from the Song of Solomon

Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: How to Connect or Reconnect With Your Spouse, Grow Together, and Strengthen Your Marriage

And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment