The most meaningless standoff in American history is commemorated in a manner it deserves: a speechifying hagiography that’s actually about the political beliefs of its star and director, John Wayne. Davy Crockett (the awesomest dude who ever lived, according to this film), Jim Bowie (the second awesomest dude who ever lived) and William Travis (just kind of an okay dude) join forces to protect a fort (that has a basement, BTW) for “the republic.” Or, as history has revealed, for the republic to allow people to own slaves. Awkward details that make it all less heroic, so the movie just doesn’t talk about it.

But there’s more to discuss when it comes to this heroic tale of a white supremacist death cult: Corpse capers, toxic masculinity, poorly staged battle sequences, Frankie Avalon, hats made of garbage mammals, and, of course, how it all connects to Jonestown. As a bonus, we address Chill Wills and what was probably the tackiest Academy Awards campaign in the history of campaigning. 

The Alamo was directed by John Wayne and stars John Wayne as Davy Crockett, Richard Widmark as Jim Bowie, Laurence Harvey as WIlliam Travis, Frankie Avalon as Smitty, Chill Wills as Beekeeper, and Linda Cristal as Flaca.

Spoiler Warning: We spoil everything. And we enjoy it.

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