This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/07/everyone-needs-to-chill-the-fuck-out/

NEW YORK, NY—Explaining that everyone is just freaking out over nothing, sources across the nation confirmed Friday that everyone needs to chill the fuck out.

“Look, we all just need to take a deep breath and relax,” said sources from Los Angeles, Chicago, and all across the country, adding that everyone should just take a step back and think for a second before they go off and do something they’ll regret.

“Seriously, we should all just calm the fuck down. Everything’s going to be okay.”

At press time, sources confirmed everyone had better start calming the fuck down or else things are going to get real fucking ugly.