NEW ORLEANS, LA—Stretching out on his couch with a cold beer and the remote control, local man Dan O'Brien is reportedly gimme dat'nother one, pops.

"Ah, come on, one more," the man said to his television Monday before settling in for another hour of television. "I'm feelin' it."

O'Brien then reportedly called out to his wife to bring him another one of those things he was feeling.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/14/gimme-dat-nother-one-pops/

WESTFIELD, NJ—Cheerleader for Westfield High School's varsity football team, 16-year-old Lauren Cavanaugh, hopes to become the first person ever to escape from the town of Westfield.

"I'm going to get out of this dump someday," said Cavanaugh, who has already begun saving up for a one-way bus ticket out of state.

"I don't know where I'm going yet, but I'll know it when I see it."

Cavanaugh added that she hopes to become the first person ever to leave her family behind as well.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/13/local-cheerleader-hopes-to-become-first-person-to-get-out-of-town/

AUSTIN, TX—Claiming that the baked confection had been a “bad neighbor” for years, a local woman held a press conference Tuesday to accuse her local gingerbread man of harassing her and her family.

“I’ve lived in this neighborhood for more than 50 years, and I can tell you that this gingerbread man has always been a troublemaker,” said local resident Linda Smith, adding that the gingerbread man had been throwing loud parties every night and disturbing the peace of the entire block.

“This is a quiet community, and he is not welcome here. He’s always blasting music from his house at all hours of the night. And if that’s not bad enough, he throws his candy wrappers everywhere. I don’t know what kind of example he thinks he’s setting for children by doing things like that. It’s time for him to move out of this neighborhood once and for all.”

At press time, Smith was reportedly calling the police after receiving reports that the gingerbread man had been brandishing a piece of gum he was chewing like a gun.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/15/local-gingerbread-man-accused-of-being-a-bad-neighbor/

CHICAGO, IL—Explaining that the experience was far more terrifying when visitors were able to tailor their own scares, officials at Chicago’s Terror House announced Friday that their new personalized haunted house would let guests choose their own frights.

“We’ve created a unique and terrifying experience for every guest by allowing them to select the exact things that will frighten them the most,” said lead designer Adam Pasternak, adding that visitors would be given a questionnaire at the entrance of the house and then led through a series of rooms containing only the most unsettling imagery and sounds based on their own personal fears.

“We want everyone to have a fun and frightening time, so we’ve created personalized scares based on everything from phobias to personal traumas. For example, if you have a fear of clowns or spiders, we’ll make sure you see plenty of those things. Or if you hate snakes or needles, we’ll make sure they’re all over the place. We want our guests to leave here completely terrified of whatever they chose.”

Pasternak added that while most people are scared of spiders, snakes, needles, clowns, and other things in the house, there is one visitor who is terrified by everything.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/15/personalized-haunted-house-lets-visitors-choose-their-own-frights/

STERLING, VA—Touted as the most broken-down, dysfunctional pieces of furniture ever produced, Brok-R-Door Furniture unveiled its new line of broken furniture Monday.

"Our new line of broken sofas, chairs and tables is available in a variety of distressed finishes," said Brok-R-Door spokesperson Gary Sutterfield.

"Whether you're looking for a slightly used or heavily abused piece of furniture, we've got it."

Sutterfield said the company is also developing a line of broken lamps and floor lamps.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/16/broken-furniture-is-now-available-in-new-more-broken-version/

BOSTON, MA—The owner of local produce stand The Fruit Stand has offered free advice to all his customers, no matter what they buy.

"When I see someone buying apples, I tell them to eat the apple with the skin on," said owner and fruit dealer Jim O'Hara. "And when I see someone buying bananas, I tell them to eat the banana with the peel on."

O'Hara also offers free advice to customers who do not buy anything at all, telling them not to buy apples or bananas.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/16/local-fruit-dealer-offers-free-advice-to-customers/

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the US Supreme Court ruled that pudding is not a vegetable under federal law.

"Pudding is a dessert, and as such cannot be classified as a vegetable," said Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who wrote the majority opinion. "Vegetables are grown in soil and are consumed as part of a balanced diet. Pudding, on the other hand, is eaten with a spoon."

O'Connor added that if pudding were classified as a vegetable, it would open the door to other foods being considered vegetables, such as ketchup and ice cream.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/17/pudding-is-not-a-vegetable/

LAS VEGAS, NV—In a shocking revelation that sent shockwaves through the Las Vegas community, Pawn Stars cast member Chumlee revealed Monday that he’s been living in a box for the past decade to avoid child support payments.

“I’ve been in this cardboard box since 2008, when I was forced to move out of my old house after my wife took me to court for not paying child support,” said the reality TV star and pawn shop employee, who explained that he had been sleeping in a cardboard box ever since he was evicted from his home and forced to live on the streets.

“I just couldn’t afford it. I mean, I was barely making minimum wage at the shop and had no other way to make money. It just wasn’t possible. But now that I’m on TV and making money from appearances and merchandise, I can finally provide for my kids again. And it feels great.”

At press time, Chumlee had reportedly sold his own son to Rick Harrison for $750.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/17/pawn-stars-chumlee-reveals-hes-been-living-in-a-box-for-past-decade-to-avoid-child-support-payment/

BOSTON, MA—A new study published Monday in the New England Journal Of Medicine found that playing video games may actually be beneficial to children’s eyesight.

“While we have long been concerned about the effects of violent media on young people, our research suggests that there may be a positive side to gaming,” said lead author Dr. Roberta Friedman, adding that children who play video games for at least two hours a day were found to have 20/15 vision and better peripheral vision than their non-gaming counterparts.

“We observed that children who played video games for at least two hours a day had better hand-eye coordination and were able to read an eye chart from across the room without their glasses. In some cases, we even found that these kids could see things in the distance without using their eyes at all.”

Friedman went on to say that further study was needed before any definitive conclusions could be drawn about the effects of video games on ears.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/19/video-games-may-be-good-for-kids-eyes/

League of Legends player and avid fan Marcus Gorman, 23, told reporters at a press conference Tuesday that the multiplayer online battle arena game is not a sport.

“I don’t know what the hell you guys are talking about,” said Gorman, who has been playing League of Legends for over three years and has reached the Diamond rank in the game’s competitive online play

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/20/league-of-legends-is-not-a-sport-says-league-of-legends-player/