NEW YORK, NY—In a stunning discovery that has sent shockwaves through the theater community, researchers at New York University's Department of Psychology announced Monday that Broadway is actually a series of dreams.

"Our research shows that the entire fabric of Broadway—the plays, the actors, the audiences—is actually just an elaborate dream," said Dr. Richard Ziegler, adding that the first Broadway dream was probably generated by someone who saw a show on Broadway and then had a dream about it.

"We're not sure who started dreaming Broadway, but we believe it's been going on for decades."

Ziegler went on to say that the dream would likely continue indefinitely unless someone woke up.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/20/broadway-is-revealed-to-be-a-series-of-dreams/

NEW YORK, NY—After billions of years of traveling through space, alien technology finally arrived Monday to destroy the Earth.

"We have been waiting for this moment for a long time," said U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, who was informed of the impending alien attack by an aide who received a message from an orbiting satellite.

"It is almost here."

The alien technology is expected to obliterate all life on Earth within minutes.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/20/alien-technology-finally-arrives-to-destroy-earth/

BALTIMORE, MD—According to sources, local man Paul Larkin has lost the ability to differentiate between milk and not milk.

“I’m pretty sure I poured milk into this glass, but now it looks like water,” said Larkin of the beverage he was holding, which he had apparently mistaken for a glass of water at some point after pouring it.

“Wait, no, I definitely put milk in this. I can taste it. Oh, wait, maybe that’s just my imagination.”

At press time, Larkin was reportedly relieved to have discovered that the glass contained milk after he accidentally knocked it over and saw that the liquid had spilled all over his shirt.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/21/ive-lost-the-ability-to-differentiate-between-milk-and-not-milk/

LOS ANGELES, CA—Saying he was just trying to be funny, Nathan Fielder confirmed Wednesday that he was not actually threatening anyone when he said he would kill anyone who tried to take his food.

“I want to make it clear that I was just joking around when I said I would kill anyone who tried to take my food,” said Fielder, adding that while his comments were meant in jest, the Canadian comedian and star of Nathan For You wasn't opposed to making a few extra enemies.

“I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t get my sense of humor, but I assure you that I’m not actually going to kill anyone. It was just a joke. I don’t want people thinking I’m some kind of violent person. That’s not me.”

At press time, Fielder had reportedly decided to walk back his comments even further by saying that if someone did try to take his food, they would have to do it quickly because he wasn’t going down without a fight.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/21/nathan-fielder-was-just-trying-to-be-funny-when-he-said-he-would-kill-anyone-who-ate-his-food/

CHICAGO, IL—Noting that the incident could have been avoided entirely if he had left the house earlier, friends of local traveler Brian Denton warned him Wednesday to be careful after getting stuck in traffic on his way to the airport.

“You’ve got to be more careful than that, Brian, or you’re going to miss your flight,” said friend and fellow passenger Emily Hines, who expressed concern that Denton might not make it to his flight on time after noticing that he was only a few minutes behind schedule.

“You know how traffic is around this time of day. You should have left like an hour ago. Seriously, if you don’t hurry up, you might not even make it.”

At press time, sources confirmed Hines was calling Denton after learning he had missed his flight.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/22/local-traveler-warned-to-be-careful-after-getting-stuck-in-traffic-on-way-to-airport/

WASHINGTON, DC—A new study published Monday by the American Association for the Advancement of Science has concluded that cats are, in fact, just as annoying as you think they are.

“After a comprehensive analysis of all available data, our research team found that cats are indeed as aggravating and insufferable as you have always believed them to be,” said lead researcher Dr. Peter Hirschmann, adding that the study confirmed that cats are “completely fucking inscrutable” and “make this awful mewing sound when they’re hungry or want attention.”

“Furthermore, we have determined with a high degree of certainty that cats are not cute and cuddly; rather, they are small, furry nuisances with sharp claws and an inexplicable ability to land on their feet after falling from high places.”

The study also confirmed that dogs are actually pretty cool.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/21/cats-are-just-as-annoying-as-you-think-they-are/

NEW YORK, NY—A new study published Monday by researchers at the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change revealed that global warming is caused by a giant, invisible ham sandwich.

“Our data indicate that the reason the earth’s temperature has risen over the past century is because of a massive, 4-mile-wide ham sandwich that hovers in the stratosphere above the North Pole,” said lead author Dr. Paul Nesbitt, adding that while scientists have long suspected a link between ham sandwiches and climate change, this is the first time they have been able to definitively prove it.

“We think it’s likely that this ham sandwich was created by some kind of freak accident involving a blimp and a deli. But we also suspect it may be sustaining itself on some kind of invisible heat source. Whatever the case, it’s clear that this ham sandwich is responsible for generating vast quantities of carbon dioxide and methane into our atmosphere.”

The study also found that scientists were unable to determine how to get rid of the giant ham sandwich without creating an even larger invisible turkey sandwich that would cause even more damage to the environment.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/global-warming-revealed-to-be-caused-by-giant-invisible-ham-sandwich/

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A study released Monday by the Center for Health and the Environment found that soup is not a meal.

"Soup is a delicious, nutritious, and filling first course," said Dr. Richard Averill, director of the center's Food Policy Institute. "But soup is not a meal."

The study comes on the heels of a similar report issued last month by the American Dietetic Association, which found that salad is not a meal.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/22/soup-is-not-a-meal/

NEW YORK, NY—Explaining that the transit system is a fine way to get around if you’re not able to afford a vehicle, sources confirmed Friday that buses and trains are good for people who don’t have cars.

“Sure, riding the bus or train is a perfectly fine way to get from place to place if you don’t have your own car, but it’s still not as good as driving yourself,” said local man Kevin Denton, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who stated that public transportation was a perfectly acceptable option for people who don’t own cars but that it was still no substitute for driving yourself.

“I mean, sure, it saves you from having to pay for gas and insurance and all that stuff, but it just doesn’t feel as good. You can’t just hop in your car and drive wherever you want whenever you want. It just doesn’t compare.”

At press time, Denton added that trains and buses are also only good for people who live near train stations or bus stops.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/22/buses-and-trains-are-good-for-people-who-dont-have-cars/

MUNCIE, IN—Saying the experience would help them prepare for the real world, local teenagers Marcus Carver and Tyler Gifford told reporters Friday that they were making their first step toward becoming adults by getting jobs at a fast food restaurant.

“It’s important to learn how to balance a checkbook and manage your time before you go out into the world and have to support yourself,” said Gifford, 16, who added that he and his friend were taking the first step toward becoming independent by waking up at 4 a.m. every morning to work at the local Chick-fil-A.

“It’s good for us to get out of our parents’ house and learn how to interact with people our own age in a professional setting. Plus, it’s nice to have a little extra spending money so we can go see movies or buy video games without asking our parents for money all the time.”

At press time, Carver was reportedly asking his mother for permission to stay late after work.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/22/local-teenagers-make-first-step-toward-becoming-adults-by-getting-jobs-at-fast-food-restaurant/