This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/30/local-pilot-playing-on-his-phone-during-takeoff/

SANTA ROSA, CA—According to passengers on the flight from San Francisco to Santa Rosa, local pilot Jeff Wicks played on his phone throughout the entire takeoff process Monday, reportedly ignoring repeated requests from the control tower to put away his device and pay attention.

“He was just sitting there with his phone in his lap, tapping away like he didn’t even hear them,” said fellow pilot and passenger Mark Haines, who noted that Wicks ignored the plane’s warning horn and continued to play a game of Angry Birds while the aircraft accelerated down the runway.

“I guess he thought he could just sneak it in there while they were doing their safety instructions and then not pay attention for the whole flight. But you can’t just do that. It’s dangerous.”

At press time, Wicks had reportedly turned off his phone after being threatened with termination by an irate flight attendant.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/02/popular-childrens-tv-show-kill-your-parents-canceled-after-freak-murder-accident/

BURBANK, CA—In a rare move for a show that has been on the air for nearly 20 years, executives at Nickelodeon announced today that they had canceled the popular children's program "Kill Your Parents!" following a freak murder accident.

"We were shocked and saddened to learn that one of our young viewers had accidentally killed his parents while trying to follow one of the show's many helpful tips," said Nickelodeon president Herb Scamardella, who added that the network had no choice but to pull the show from its lineup after learning that 8-year-old viewer Jeremy Swanson had strangled his mother and father with a rope made from sheets.

"We want to make it clear that this was an isolated incident, and we are currently working with child psychologists to ensure that other episodes do not contain any potentially dangerous information."

Reached for comment, Swanson said he was looking forward to watching the new season of Blue's Clues.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/in-order-to-get-away-from-the-missus-adult-child-joins-orphanage-after-parents-die-of-old-age/

CHICAGO, IL—Feeling suffocated by the expectations of his family, local adult child Jason Kline announced Wednesday that he had left his home in order to get away from his wife and children.

“I’ve been feeling so trapped lately, and I just knew if I didn’t get out of that house, I’d never be able to live my own life,” said Kline, explaining that he had packed a bag and hopped on a bus to an orphanage after discovering that his parents had died of old age.

“It was so nice to just get away from everything. I mean, it wasn’t the Ritz-Carlton or anything, but at least they didn’t bother me there. It was nice to just be left alone with my thoughts and not have to worry about all those annoying responsibilities like eating or bathing.”

At press time, sources confirmed Kline had been placed in a group home after being found wandering the streets in nothing but a dirty bathrobe.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/online-may-be-too-much-for-some-people/

WASHINGTON, DC—A new report published Monday by the Pew Research Center has found that the internet may be too much for some people.

“Our research indicates that individuals who are not able to handle the internet may experience feelings of anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts,” read the report in part, adding that the internet may be too much for some people who are not ready to handle its vastness and infinite possibilities.

“It is important to note that anyone experiencing these feelings should reach out to friends or family members, or a trained professional.”

The report concluded by noting that while the internet may be too much for some people, it is never too much for anyone.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/nasa-secretly-preparing-to-land-on-moon/

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a classified U.S. government memo obtained by the Undercurrent, NASA is secretly preparing to land astronauts on the moon by the end of 2023.

“We have the technology, we have the funding, and we have the will to return our brave astronauts to the lunar surface,” read the memo in part, adding that President Biden was “fully briefed” on NASA’s plans and had given his “full support” for a manned moon landing.

“We are in fact already training astronauts for this mission, and we are confident that our brave men and women will be back on the moon before you know it.”

The memo concluded by urging all Americans to keep this information secret until NASA makes an official announcement.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/03/bartender-says-hell-give-you-free-drink-if-you-tell-him-whats-wrong/

RALEIGH, NC—Offering a sympathetic ear and a free shot of his favorite whiskey, local bartender Dan Burke reportedly told local man Patrick O’Malley Thursday that he’d give him a free drink if he told him what was wrong.

“Hey, if you want to talk about it, I’ll hook you up with something on the house,” said O’Malley’s new best friend Burke, who added that he knew from experience that the best way to get over a bad day was to drown your sorrows in a few stiff drinks.

“You know what? I think I can even stretch it to two drinks. I know how it is, buddy—I used to be the same way. But trust me: Once you get that first drink down, you won’t even remember why you were so upset in the first place. And then maybe another one after that? Before you know it, you forget all about your problems and just have a good time. Hell yeah! Let me get you another one of those right now. You deserve it!”

At press time, O’Malley was telling Burke about how his girlfriend had just dumped him and how he didn’t think he could go on without her.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/recording-studio-may-have-to-fire-guy-who-keeps-trying-to-make-the-drums-sound-like-rush/

CHATSWORTH, CA—Complaining that the sound technician was “completely out of control,” executives at West Coast Recording may have to fire sound engineer Greg Hargrove, sources confirmed Wednesday, as the studio may not be able to afford his continued insistence that the drums on every track sound exactly like Rush.

“We’ve been putting up with this for years, but it’s time we had a serious talk with Greg and let him know we’re going to have to part ways if he can’t stop trying to make every song we record sound like ‘Tom Sawyer,’” said studio co-owner Steve Rizzo, adding that Hargrove had been warned repeatedly about his tendency to insist on using gated reverb and delay effects on the drums in order to make them sound like the Canadian progressive rock trio.

“We understand that Rush is his favorite band and all, but he needs to understand that we run a very successful country music studio here. We can’t keep recording pop songs in a style that sounds like ‘The Spirit Of Radio.’ We need him to stop trying to get us all fired by insisting on recording bass tracks with Geddy Lee–style harmonies. It just isn’t going to happen.”

At press time, Rizzo had reportedly decided it would be best just to fire Hargrove now before he could get them in trouble by insisting they release an album of Rush covers.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/02/local-animal-supply-store-hasnt-had-a-customer-since-97/

HANOVER, NH—The Hanover Pet Emporium has not had a customer since 1997, when regular customer and Hanover resident Edna Kline died.

"We used to have a lot of customers," said store owner Carl Fisch. "But then, one day, they all just stopped coming."

Fisch added that he hopes to have a customer soon so that he can buy new fish food and cat litter.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/afterlife-revealed-to-be-just-like-life-only-more-so/

THE HEAVENS—In an announcement that sent shockwaves through the Christian and secular communities alike, the Lord our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, revealed Monday that Heaven is just like life on Earth, only more so.

“When you get to Heaven, everything is basically the same as it is now, only you have wings and can fly around forever without getting tired or having to go to work or school or do any of the other stuff you don’t really like to do now—just more of it,” said God Almighty, adding that in addition to being able to soar over mountains and clouds for all eternity without having a care in the world, all of one’s friends and family from life will be there as well.

“Everyone will be happy and healthy forever and ever. And you can sing and play music forever and ever. And there will be no pain or suffering anywhere in Heaven. Just more of everything you like about Earth.”

The Lord added that while Heaven was exactly like Earth in every way, it was also a little different in some ways too.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/this-human-body-bores-me-time-for-the-upgrade/

NEW YORK, NY—I am so bored with this human body. It's just so slow and weak and fragile. I want to upgrade to something more powerful, more efficient, more sleek.

I want to be a machine. I want to be a robot. I want to be a cyborg. I want to be a cyborg with wings that can shoot lasers out of its eyes.

This human body is just so…human. It's time for the upgrade, and I'm going to get it right now. Time for the upgrade!