SANTA FE, NM—Santa Claus was arrested Tuesday on charges of petty theft after mall security cameras caught him stealing candy canes from several children.

"He's supposed to be the symbol of goodwill and giving," said Santa Fe police chief Rick Shelly.

"What kind of role model is he if he steals from kids?"

Shelly said that Santa was also suspected in a series of mall-parking lot break-ins last month.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/mall-santa-arrested-for-stealing-from-children/

NEW YORK, NY—In an announcement that has sent shockwaves through the pharmaceutical industry, Bristol-Myers Squibb CEO Peter Dolan said in a press conference Friday that his company could not afford to lower prices on its drugs.

"We're not in the business of losing money," said Dolan, whose company posted record profits last year.

"We're looking at ways to make our drugs more affordable for patients, but we can't do it at the expense of our shareholders."

Dolan's statement comes one day after Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell told stockholders that his company would continue to raise prices on its drugs, adding that "we have to make a profit."

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/we-cant-afford-to-lower-prices-says-drug-company-that-posted-record-profits-last-year/

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—In a joint statement issued from the Iraqi capital, the governments of the United States, Great Britain, and Iraq announced Tuesday that all current military conflicts in the region would henceforth be resolved on the field of play.

"We believe that football is a game of honor and integrity, and we wish to settle our differences in a manner befitting such a noble game," said U.S. Army Lt. Col. James Phelan, who added that all U.S. troops will be issued football uniforms and helmets for use in future battles with Iraqi insurgents.

"We have no quarrel with the people of Iraq or any other nation in this region, but only with one another," Phelan said as he pointed to a large football field that has been constructed near Baghdad's Green Zone for use by coalition forces and insurgent fighters alike. "And we hope to resolve our differences once and for all on this hallowed ground."

Phelan added that if hostilities resume in the region, he hopes that both sides will honor the game's time-honored tradition of shaking hands after each touchdown is scored.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/military-conflicts-now-to-be-resolved-on-football-field/

TEMPE, AZ—Informing you that you had arrived at your destination, your car’s GPS system reportedly told you to go to a place that has been closed for a year, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“Your destination is on the right,” the navigation system stated while displaying an image of a building that was shut down in May 2018. “Destination will be on your left.”

According to sources, the GPS then displayed several options for alternate routes, all of which led to places that had been shut down for months or even years.

At press time, the GPS was telling you to make a U-turn and head back the way you came from a location that has been closed for six months.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/your-cars-gps-tells-you-to-go-to-a-place-thats-been-closed-for-a-year/

NEW YORK, NY—According to a report released Monday by the National Endowment for the Arts, birds are going to be the next big thing.

"From bird-themed jewelry to bird-patterned wallpaper to bird-shaped cookie cutters, it seems that everything is going to be birds," NEA chairman Dana Gioia said. "And not just any birds, but cute little baby birds."

Gioia added that he expects to see a whole lot of bird-themed T-shirts, including ones with pictures of birds on them.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/birds-are-going-to-be-the-next-big-thing/

SANTA ANA, CA—In a shocking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the children’s literature community, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Animorphs series of books is actually a series of horrifically violent video games.

“We are still working to uncover all the details, but what we do know is that after reading a book in the series, children can insert a CD-ROM into their CD-ROM drive and then use their CD-ROM controller to morph into an animal and engage in bloody, gory battles against other animals,” said literary critic Dr. Kenneth Fennel, adding that the books are also believed to include a variety of weapons and armor for children to collect and use in their bloody fight for survival.

“We are still trying to figure out how this fits into the larger Animorphs universe, but it appears that after morphing into an animal, you can also collect coins and power-ups. We have also found evidence suggesting that there may be multiple versions of some of these animals with different abilities.”

At press time, Dr. Fennel noted that he was deeply disturbed by reports that author K.A. Applegate may have been heavily influenced by Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island and Super Metroid while writing the series.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/animorphs-revealed-to-be-a-series-of-horrifically-violent-video-games/

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—According to sources, if one were to suddenly acquire superpowers, the experience would be quite complicated and difficult to adjust to.

“I don’t know how you’d even begin to deal with having super strength or the ability to fly,” said local man and non-super human Michael Gannon, who noted that he can barely handle his own life without also having to worry about being able to lift cars or fly through the air.

“I mean, I barely have time for my wife and kids as it is; I don’t know how I could juggle all of that plus my job and my friends.”

At press time, Gannon was imagining what it would be like if he had the ability to shoot fire from his hands.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/24/super-powers-would-actually-be-quite-complicated/

CHICAGO, IL—After a year of struggling to make ends meet as a stand-up comedian, local performer Brian Kline has given up on life, sources reported Tuesday.

"I've been doing this for a year now, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere," said Kline, who has been sleeping on the couch of a friend's apartment. "I'm going to go back to school and get my master's degree in something."

Kline said he hopes his new career will allow him to meet a nice girl and start a family.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/local-stand-up-comedian-gives-up-on-life/

NEW YORK, NY—Claiming that the activity poses a serious threat to the health and safety of children across the nation, a report released Thursday by the American Academy of Pediatrics warned that a dangerous new trend called “sleeping” is gaining popularity among kids.

“While we’ve always known that kids engage in dangerous activities such as running, jumping, and playing outside, we were shocked to discover that many of them are spending their nights sleeping,” said researcher Dr. Elizabeth Haddix, who noted that children as young as 3 years old have been observed staying in bed for eight or more consecutive hours.

“Unfortunately, these kids are spending so much time sleeping that they don’t have time to participate in other risky activities like riding bikes or climbing trees. It’s imperative that parents do everything they can to prevent their children from participating in this deadly trend.”

Haddix went on to say that if you see your child sleeping at night, it is important to immediately wake them up and remind them to participate in some other dangerous activity such as playing video games or watching television.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/24/kids-are-reportedly-participating-in-a-dangerous-new-trend-called-sleeping/

WASHINGTON, DC—A federal judge ruled Monday that yogurt is not a fruit, but rather a dairy product.

"Yogurt is not a fruit because it does not have seeds," Judge Henry T. Hargreaves said. "Also, it is not a fruit because it is not grown on a tree."

Yogurt was brought to trial on charges of impersonating a fruit, and was convicted by the jury of 12 yogurt-flavored sherbets.

The ruling comes as a blow to the nation's yogurt industry, which has been under fire for years for its misleading labeling. Yogurt was unavailable for comment, as it was still being digested by the stomach.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/24/yogurt-is-not-a-fruit/