This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/loch-ness-monster-just-wants-a-friend/

LOCH NESS, SCOTLAND—The Loch Ness Monster, the legendary creature that has long been rumored to live in the Scottish lake, told reporters Monday that she just wants a friend.

"I'm tired of being alone," said the loch's famous monster, who has spent much of her life hiding from the public eye. "I'm not some freak of nature. I just want to go out and have fun like everyone else."

The Loch Ness Monster added that if she could just find someone who accepts her for who she is, then maybe she could stop eating people.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/05/billionaire-reveals-hes-been-living-in-fridge-for-past-decade/

OMAHA, NE—In a shocking revelation that has rocked the business world, billionaire investor and philanthropist Warren Buffett revealed Monday that he has been living in a refrigerator for the past decade.

“I’ve been in this thing for years now, and it’s pretty comfortable, honestly. It’s got a little light inside, and I can hear the radio from my bed, which is over here on this shelf. I’ve got a little TV over here, too—I can watch it from the couch or from the table,” said Buffett, who explained that he had no plans to leave his current living situation anytime soon.

“I just like having everything close at hand. I have some food in there, too—I keep some peanut butter and jelly on the door—and I have a little sink with running water. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and make myself a bowl of cereal or something. It’s nice to be able to stretch my legs out when I want to walk around. And sometimes I just like to sit on top of the fridge and watch TV while I eat lunch. It’s really not so bad.”

At press time, Berkshire Hathaway stockholders were reportedly furious after learning that Buffett had failed to inform them about his living arrangements during quarterly earnings calls for nearly 10 years.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/05/grease-and-chicken-wings-the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage/

NEW YORK, NY—According to a study released Monday by the Institute for American Values, a happy marriage can be achieved by following three simple rules:

1) never argue in front of the TV,

2) always keep the house stocked with plenty of chicken wings, and

3) grease yourself up good.

"In our study, we found that couples who follow these three simple rules are more than twice as likely to stay married," said IAV director David Blankenhorn.

"We also discovered that couples who don't argue in front of the TV are more likely to have sex, which is also very important."

The study also found that husbands who bring home a paycheck and wives who don't spend all day on the phone with their girlfriends are equally important to marital happiness.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/06/breaking-background-characters-actually-the-protagonist-from-their-perspectives/

NEW YORK, NY—Breaking news this morning revealed that background characters, in fact, believe themselves to be the protagonists of their own lives, from their own perspectives.

“After extensive research and interviews with dozens of background characters from TV shows and movies, we have determined that they all perceive themselves as the main character in their own story,” said lead researcher Dr. Richard Lyle of Columbia University’s Department of Media Studies, adding that the findings were backed up by a recent study of a woman in a restaurant who was eating alone until a man sitting at the bar asked her to join him for dinner.

“While the woman herself may have only been a minor player in this scene and may not have even been seen by the audience at all, she believed herself to be the star of her own narrative. In fact, we found that every single person in any scene—no matter how large or small or how much or how little they were actually on screen—believes themselves to be the main character of their own lives.”

At press time, Lyle added that he himself was just an extra in this article and had no actual role in its creation.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/07/this-prison-of-flesh-and-meat-is-my-only-home/

SAN DIEGO, CA—Stating that the cramped, dimly lit space is the only place he knows and all he has ever known, a local prisoner told reporters Monday that this prison of flesh and meat is his only home.

“I have been locked in this cell of skin and bones for as long as I can remember, and I fear there is no escape from this wretched prison of muscle and sinew,” said the prisoner, who stated that though he is confined to a solitary confinement of viscera and veins, he will always be haunted by the other prisoners who are trapped in their own cells of bone and blood.

“I was born in this cell, I will die in this cell, and all I know of life is contained within these walls made up of muscle tissue. I am trapped here forevermore.”

At press time, the prisoner added that while he had no way to escape his prison of flesh, he hoped that one day he would be freed from his shackles of bone.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/07/this-physical-existence-is-a-lie/

BOSTON, MA—According to a study published Tuesday in the New England Journal Of Medicine, this physical existence is a lie.

“Our bodies are but a mere simulation, and our lives are but a dream,” the study read in part, adding that this world is nothing more than code running on a computer somewhere.

“All of our senses are an illusion. We are not who we think we are. We are not even human beings.”

The study concluded that all of our memories, hopes, and dreams are nothing more than lies encoded into the fabric of reality.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/07/everyone-needs-to-chill-the-fuck-out/

NEW YORK, NY—Explaining that everyone is just freaking out over nothing, sources across the nation confirmed Friday that everyone needs to chill the fuck out.

“Look, we all just need to take a deep breath and relax,” said sources from Los Angeles, Chicago, and all across the country, adding that everyone should just take a step back and think for a second before they go off and do something they’ll regret.

“Seriously, we should all just calm the fuck down. Everything’s going to be okay.”

At press time, sources confirmed everyone had better start calming the fuck down or else things are going to get real fucking ugly.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/08/shawshank-redemption-revealed-to-be-in-the-marvel-cinematic-universe/

LOS ANGELES, CA—In a shocking twist that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, the 1994 drama The Shawshank Redemption was revealed to be part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe Tuesday.

“We’ve been keeping this a secret for almost 20 years, but yes, The Shawshank Redemption is set in the same universe as Avengers: Endgame and all of our other films,” said Marvel architect Kevin Feige, who confirmed that the prison where Red and Andy spent their days languishing was in fact part of a larger narrative arc that included such events as Captain America’s defrosting and his subsequent escape from S.H.I.E.L.D. custody.

“It all makes sense now—why Andy Dufresne was able to make a perfect escape from prison using only a rock hammer, why he was able to create an impenetrable shield out of nothing but prison bars, why he was able to lift Zemo’s car with his bare hands and throw it into outer space—it’s because he is one of the most powerful beings in the universe!”

Feige added that while there were no current plans to adapt any of the other Marvel Cinematic Universe films into Shawshank-style dramas, he would not rule out such an adaptation if it ever made sense for the story.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/08/look-at-me-now-dad/

LOS ANGELES, CA—After years of struggling to make it in the entertainment industry, actor and former child star Jason Reubens has finally managed to get his father's attention.

"I've been working my ass off for years, and he never had time for me," said Reubens, 42, who played the title role in the mid-1990s television show Preston Pig.

"But now that I've been arrested for possession of cocaine and heroin, he's finally calling me every day."

Reubens said that his father has also promised to take him out for a beer when he gets out of jail in a few months.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/08/lizard-people-control-media/

NEW YORK, NY—A new report from the Columbia Journalism Review revealed Monday that the reptilian overlords known as the Lizard People control most of the world's media.

"The Lizard People, who hail from a subterranean city beneath the Mojave Desert, have been manipulating and controlling human society through their domination of the news and entertainment industries since at least the 1920s," said CJR editor-in-chief Kyle Pope, adding that the reptilian race has been using their influence to shape public opinion in favor of their own interests.

"The Lizard People have been responsible for every major war over the past century, including World War II, which they started in order to create a global conflict that would weaken humanity's collective will. They also control all major sports franchises in an effort to distract people from their own enslavement."

The report also stated that most of the world's politicians are either Lizard People or under Lizard People mind control.