An episode on questions. And some of the things I question. 

Today’s episode I have a guest with me. Kendra Grant is an academic advisor at UNF. She wasn’t my specific advisor when I was an athlete but he energy I gravitated towards.

The conversation is on life after being a student athlete. Its more detrimental than people think. We talk about black mental health in sports, why don’t coaches and other athletes don’t speak up to struggling athletes, where the structure goes after being a student athlete, and more.

Hopefully, this is some good advice for any current student athletes, or former. Enjoy 😊

Trigger Warning 

Three years ago, I made the decision to end my life. I had been weighing on it for a looooonnnggg time. I pushed myself to a point where I had every reason to kill myself. There are a lot of reasons. Its never just one reason why someone is okay with dying. I was mistreated a lot of my life, mostly from what life gave me and the way I let people treat me because I believed this is just how my life was. I thought I was only ever going to get abused, used, put down, and push to the side. It was difficult because there were people that proved to me life was not worth it. Then get my shit together and fuck it up for myself. In this forever cycle of bullshit. It has only been about a year since I started to get better. Spirituality, god, the universe, whoever. Something clicked in me, something pushed me. Because it was not my family. It wasn’t my friends. And it wasn’t my fiancé. Either a force or my own soul, but without that will for something different I wouldn’t be where I am now. Along that journey came finding out a lot about what happened to me as a kid and adult and holding myself accountable for pain I’ve cause while I was in pain.

When your finally at the point where I am now. Life is just. Everything Nd Nothing. Nothing and everything matters. I’m not who I was before, and they weren’t kidding when you change you lose everything. And when you find happiness in the nothing. You’ve won. Once you die, there’s nothing, then you start over.

If you are feeling like the world is against you. its valid. If you feel that the people you trusted, fucked you over. Okay. If you are doing all that you can to feel something again. its okay, it comes back… Trust me.

Love,

Alexandra Renae

EXISTENCE!...

The biggest question of the universe. We exist to exist, and that is it. There are laws which the earth and the universe flow by, but everything else is how you go about these laws. My perception is just as it is. But the universal laws, and the energy around it. Those are facts. Enjoy!

Money.

The source of most of our societies problem. The value we put on money is just as it is. We put the value in it. Scary enough valuing it over humans. My Interviewee is my Fiancé, and we talk about the value of money and what it looks like to us. 

TRIGGER WARNING: We mention self-harm I am not a health care professional

Mental Illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all. My Interviewee this week is mars, their pronouns are they/them. they are 27 and have complex PTSD. Major depressive Disorder and Sever Anxiety. I on the other hand has Dissociative identity disorder, and severe Anxiety and PTSD. We talk about certain stigmas we’ve been shamed for, or stigmas that aren’t talked about on a "normal" basis.

If people weren’t so afraid to share mental illness no matter how simple or complex, stigmas wouldn’t be a thing. I think it’s very important to be open about these things, because communication is the only way to move forward with any crippling mental illness.

Not having insurance made resources difficult for me, but I manage. and the funny part is if you know me you would have had no idea.

so, smile, because you actually have no idea what someone is going through.