News story on Bible camp leader performing an excorcism makes me think I heard this story before at a script table read. Dude in Colorado thinks he's healthy by drinking and even soaking his own eyeballs in his urine.

Transcript: 

Announcer: SNEEZE! With James Whittingham.

james: Just had a few sour cream and onion Pringles.

They were hidden in the couch by my partner who didn't want me to eat any because she knows that will eat them all till I die.

I don't love them that much, but really, it's the flavor, it's the mouthfeel, it's the coming back for the extra goo.

And it makes me thirsty.

I want to be thirsty.

So I had a few to me.

So I hydrate better, right? That's why I did it.

I wasn't hungry, really.

I mean, it was arguably hungry.

Little bit.

Christian Clemq sent me another fucking message.

This is the guy.

This is the bastard who sent me a message last week.

Now he sends me another one.

And I have not listened to it yet, so let's listen to it together.

I hope it's good.

Sir Weddingham.

dude.

You didn't have to include my message.

But okay, well, you did.

Why do you keep sending them to me? Like, hearing themselves? This is what you sound like.

I don't and I just got back from the club friday and Saturday I work at the club.

Was I shocked? I was like, oh, new sneeze.

Fuck, it's me.

Yeah, you said, this is what happens.

For the recognition.

And thank you for recording something.

I do enjoy your podcast always, and please do it weekly.

Just don't blame me.

Okay.

All right.

That's pretty good.

Did you fake that? I can't fake a sneeze like that.

Did you sneeze on command? That's impressive.

Yeah, so sorry about that.

I didn't know I wasn't supposed to play it last week or this week.

That's why I didn't listen to it.

See, you send me a message, you get on my fucking podcast.

I don't care.

You cross the street, you might get hit by a car.

You send me a message.

You might be on my podcast.

This is an old lesson that goes back dozens of years, well, to the beginning of podcasting, which I started back in 2003.

A lot of people said Adam Curry started it.

No.

And The Godfather podcasting I started.

It also started Facebook and a number of other things.

Yeah.

Lawsuits are still pending.

So thank you, Christian, for getting me to broadcast.

This is the first time that I've broadcasted two weeks in a row.

A good thing there.

So I was saying last week, I think I thought, why didn't mention this week, my wife partnership stepped in to help her sister, whose partner did not help her, and took her to the hospital when she needed medical care.

And she had to spend her whole day and night doing this.

And she was stressed out and there were problems.

She lost her phone.

It slipped out of her pocket.

Slipped out of her short pocket.

And immediately she knew it was lost.

And I went and I tracked it right away.

And it was at a homeless shelter, basically.

I went to the homeless shelter and the battery in my laptop died and I couldn't track it anymore.

There was long stories trying to get into her account to track it from her phone and we lost it.

So she put up a this is a month ago, she put up a sign in the homeless shelter because she was talking to the homeless shelter people and outside the homeless shelter because she wanted her damn $800 phone back and we don't have the money to replace it.

So nothing happens in a month.

And two nights ago the phone rings at 140 in the morning.

And I've only listened to it at 140 in the morning, so I've not listened to it since then.

I don't expect to be surprised by this.

I'm going to play it for you because I have a message here.

Where would I find the message? I think in my yes, you received a voicemail message at 01:42 a.m.

It's 23 seconds long.

Let's listen to it together.

Hey, bro, I see you lost your Samsung.

But if it was an Apple, well, it could still be lost because they can hack apples now.

What a fucking loss.

An Apple hack.

I better get my new shit cost.

What the fuck was that? It made more sense to be at 130 in the morning than it did now.

What the hell? What the hell is wrong with people? Apples can be hacked.

Fuck him.

You know, fuck.

I don't care if you're homeless or not.

You can't do anything with that fucking phone.

What are you going to do? Sell it for the chip in it or what? I mean, you can't sell a fucking phone for anything.

Nothing.

Not even a taste of meth.

What are you taking someone's phone for? Fuck.

You guys bicycling back and forth.

I saw them too.

As I was sitting outside the the homeless shelter.

I saw the motherfucker running away on his bike.

Yeah, I'd like to punch him in the face, but I'm sure a thousand other people punched him in the face.

I'd like to to punch a homeless person in the face.

Do you know how much grief my wife goes through these days? You know how shitty her old phone is? She has to carry an auxiliary charger around with her.

It's pathetic.

She refuses to buy another phone because she's putting herself through this guilt thing of losing it in the first place.

So she's not going to she shouldn't have lost it.

Fuck him.

And it was locked.

It was locked and it was shut down.

And apparently the Samsung, they shut them down and the telephone company and they can't be used again.

Turning to the news, I have to turn somewhere.

So this is weird.

I got a friend named Lordine.

He's a film director and did Wolf Cop and the sequel to Wolf Cop.

Another wolf cop.

That's what it's called.

And other things as well.

He's continuing to struggle to make films.

And hello, if you're listening and hello to your lovely partner who goes by the name of Dee because she doesn't like to be mentioned in public.

So hello, D.

It's weird to hear your name, isn't it? I'm always going to table readings over the decades with Lowell, and I feel like something in the news, I had already read at a table read one of his scripts because he's a genre filmmaker for the most part.

Here where I live in Saskatchewan, Canada.

We have a very embarrassing situation here.

The headline reads, we all believed he was possessed.

Says Boy, who witnessed exorcism as Saskatchewan Bible Camp.

So that's in the national international headlines because there was a forced exorcism by the Bible camp.

What do you think happens at Bible camps? They go canoeing and then talk.

Jesus.

No, it's exorcisms.

It's pain.

It's sodomy these are what's going on in Bible camps.

So many places.

You drive along the road near a resort and it's like this Bible camp this way.

Where are these fucking Bible camps coming from? And when did they get this free prime property to have these Bible camps? Did God give it to them? No, the church had sway 100 years ago, and they got all these stupid Bible camps, and now they're conducting exorcisms at them.

This guy, this camp leader, had been fired from other camp duties, apparently.

He said the demons had infiltrated the camp.

It doesn't infiltrate non Bible camps, which is kind of funny.

It just infiltrates actual Bible camps.

So, yeah, it was real.

We believed he was possessed by multiple demons, not just one.

Fuck.

I've been possessed by a demon, but not multiple demons.

Come on.

And they said it was a spiritual hotspot.

This Bible can fuck.

This is such a good movie.

The thing is now, if my friend makes the movie that he wanted to make, it's going to be like somebody's going to sue them saying, you stole our idea.

Well, I can vouch for you now, and I'm willing to go to court, put my hand on a Bible, demons and all, and say that my friend Lol had this idea before this actually happened.

At least a version of this idea.

The problem is you have to have child actors.

Child actors in a small budget film.

You have to have a Gazillion dollars.

You have to have Tom Cruise money before you can afford child actors because they only work so many hours and they get good ones.

You have to search far and wide around the world to find them.

So it's an expensive proposition.

Yeah, that's traumatic.

And these poor kids were abused without actually, they're not going to press charges, though, because why do that? So the man who did exorcism calls himself an apostle, the 13th apostle.

He has business cards.

The guy gives out business cards saying he does exorcisms.

You imagine you might have a clown at a party.

That's a kid's party.

But say you have a bachelor party in the old days, you'd get a stripper, right? Which is not politically correct anymore, never was, but it's not now.

Why not get an extra system and he can come and decide who's got the demons in them.

And it's the guy who wanted to have the strippers.

Of course, you could just do that and go ahead with a full that would be fun.

I'm disappointed this guy is going to be shunned by society now because that would be useful.

Pardon me for a minute.

I have to dust something.

I refuse to wait any longer before I dust this, because I'm looking at it now.

Usually my other podcast happens in the dark because there's video.

There's no video for this.

And now the light is shining on things and it's fucking dusty.

My microphone stand is dusty.

My mixer is dust.

Look at all that dust.

You can't it's an audio podcast.

But if you were here, you would see dust and you would maybe oh, that's a lot of dust.

Maybe Sneeze, maybe like Christian back from the club.

By the way, you send me another message.

It's going on the fucking podcast.

Do you hear me in Germany? Do you hear me, boy? It's going on the podcast.

Don't send me a message.

Can't you type? Did you lose your fingers in the war? The great masterpiece and exorcism incident where they've chopped off by the Bible camp to get rid of the urge to bastard.

David Spade, apparently is a former SNL comedian and he's disappointed SNL now.

He says SNL died when what's her name is Hillary Clinton singing Hallelujah.

After Trump won, it seemed to work.

It was a tough time.

Of course, anything would have worked for me.

I was just, you know, sick.

Sick like hell.

All my Trump fans are deleting my podcast now.

That's okay.

I don't want to get political, but fuck you.

Political as I got.

Fuck you, Trump fans.

Fuck you.

Fuck your mother.

Fuck your mother's dog.

Fuck your mother's dead dog.

Fuck your rat.

Fuck the rat under your mobile home.

Fuck it.

Fuck you all.

That's what I have to say about that.

Wednesday demons were the only topic of conversation at the top, and they were all anxious, not accustomed looking for the demons.

I'm sorry.

It's the yelling of the speaking in tongues before declaring the demon purged.

If you don't speak in tongues and scream, the demons not pursue.

I found that myself.

You know, you just have to do a lot of screaming.

This is like violating of the soul.

It's good for you.

It's good to get the demons out and the boys coward.

This is not funny.

This is real shit.

This is not far off.

This is right around the corner.

There are people here and they all partook.

This stupid camp boy now sees he was deceived.

Yeah, he's got Satan in him.

I'm going to look up urine, okay? We haven't done that in a while.

I haven't looked up urine in the news.

I'd like to take the first news story of a Google urine man drank his urine every morning as a natural cure all and also uses it as a foot.

Soak an eye bath.

Okay? I don't care what you soak in your soak.

Your junk in there.

You can get peed on in the Russian hotel room.

I don't care.

But when you're soaking your eyeballs and urine, that's where I draw the line.

He admits he clashed with a housemate over the smell.

His name is Brother Sage.

And why wouldn't it be? He's 68.

He's from Colorado.

He drinks his urine every morning.

He believes urine is a health cure all, uses for football, eye, bass, and soaks himself.

And charges this is charges $345 to teach people.

Not 350, not 300, $345.

So he's up making a lot of money without hitting that 350 mark.

That psychological 350 mark when you pay for someone to teach you about peak consumption.

He dranks his own urine each morning.

He believes it is a natural cure all, says that his bizarre habit has led to a bus stop with his housemate who was sick of the smell, wafting to the kitchen.

Enough with the urine.

Brother's age.

Fuck.

Get your eyeballs out of there.

Wow.

He's currently plugging a course for up to 345 for students who wish to unlock the secrets of their own urine.

Here's a secret of your own urine.

It's waste and you should get rid of it, okay? Unless you're on the space station and you're recycling this fucking stuff, get rid of your goddamn urine right now.

Okay, pee in the bush.

If you're listening to this podcast and your bladder is oh, God.

Okay, I'm going to throw up here.

There was a picture from drinking of a jar.

I'm gagging.

I'm not usually that sensitive to stuff, but holy fuck, I almost tossed my Pringles.

Jesus.

Jesus, Louises, that's disgusting.

I'm turning to the internet people so I can generate a list of a random object and see if a cookie jar really cookie jar? Yeah, my mother used to have a cookie jar.

Well, it's still there.

She's dead.

The cookie jar still exists because my brother took over the house and I'm sure it's got cobwebs in it, but she would fill it with homemade chocolate chip cookies made