Expedition Marriage with Chris & Jamie Bailey

What if the prayer that could change your marriage isn't "Lord, help my spouse change," but "Lord, make me more like You"?

We pray for better communication, less conflict, more connection, and greater understanding in marriage. And those are all good things to pray for!

But how often do we ask God to change our hearts in the process?

In this episode of Expedition Marriage, we're exploring the difference between two powerful kinds of prayers: "Help me" and "Make me."

One invites God's help in our circumstances. The other invites His transforming work in our lives.

And here's the important part: We need both.

We're talking about:

• Why asking God for help is biblical and necessary
• How self-reliance can sneak into our prayer lives
• The difference between wanting relief and wanting transformation
• What it means to pray bold, Scripture-based prayers
• How to stop focusing only on your spouse's shortcomings
• Why spiritual growth can change the dynamics of your marriage
• How to pray for your spouse with the right heart
• Why surrender, patience, and humility matter in marriage

We're also sharing some honest reflections from our own lives and exploring what Scripture says about becoming more like Christ.

Because the goal isn't simply to have an easier marriage.

It's to become two people who increasingly reflect Jesus in the way they love one another.

FREE DOWNLOAD: Help Me and Make Me — Prayers for Your Marriage

Get our Scripture-based, seven-day prayer guide, complete with practical prayers and couples discussion questions.

https://expeditionmarriage.org/podcast/ep-200-help-me-or-make-me-a-prayer-that-could-change-your-marriage

00:00 Marriage Needs Transformation

00:37 Make Me vs Help Me

02:12 Heart Motives in Prayer

04:50 Self Reliance and Control

08:29 Marriage Prayers and Gods Will

13:48 Help Me Dependence vs Make Me Surrender

16:13 Bold Prayers and Sanctification

19:42 Waiting and Heart Posture

21:11 Not Magic Words

22:12 Real Prayer Heart

22:47 Better Spouse Prayers

24:10 Praying For Spouse

25:55 Check Your Because

26:35 Connection And Intentionality

28:10 Growth Changes Dynamics

33:23 Scripture And Transformation

36:15 Mission Field Marriage

40:46 Relief Versus Surrender

42:30 Closing Prayer And Download

What are you actually building your marriage on?

Marriage advice? Therapy? Instagram reels? A favorite podcast? What feels right?

Those things may offer helpful tools, but as Christian couples, none of them were ever meant to replace God's Word.

In this episode of Expedition Marriage, we're talking about biblical illiteracy and the impact it's having on Christian marriages.

And we're not just talking about reading more Bible verses.

We're talking about knowing Scripture well enough to recognize truth, understand context, identify when the Bible is being misused, and—most importantly—allow God's Word to transform how we live and love our spouse.

We're getting into:

• The biblical illiteracy problem among Christians
• Why information without transformation isn't enough
• Scripture being taken out of context
• Weaponizing verses about submission and forgiveness
• Why you shouldn't simply believe everything a pastor, counselor, podcaster, or Instagram account tells you
• "Life coach Jesus" and our desire to only hear what makes us feel good
• Why couples need to study Scripture for themselves
• How to start reading the Bible together when you don't know where to begin

You don't need a seminary degree.

You don't need to understand Greek.

You don't even need an elaborate Bible study plan.

You just need to start.

Because storms eventually come to every marriage.

The question isn't whether they'll come.

It's whether your marriage has been built on something strong enough to stand when they do.

00:00 Myths and Illiteracy

00:59 Marriage Without Purpose

02:53 Bible Reading Decline

04:21 No Shame Just Conviction

05:50 Basic Bible Knowledge Gaps

08:47 Teens and Cultural Lies

10:44 Bad Theology in the Pew

12:06 Bible Habits and Divorce

13:38 Handling Scripture Rightly

18:01 Cherry Picking and Deconstruction

22:49 Scripture Over Leaders

23:25 Damage From Misuse

24:09 Study Beyond Sundays

25:35 Famine Of The Word

26:32 Weaponized Marriage Verses

27:28 Forgiveness Misapplied

30:32 Pop Psychology Vs Truth

33:50 Tickling Ears Warning

36:46 Lamp For Daily Steps

39:48 How To Start Reading

41:43 Church And Resources

45:33 Rock Foundation Wrap-Up

• Bible reading among U.S. adults hit a 15-year low in 2024. Only 30% of adults were reading Scripture weekly. Among self-identified Christians that number was just a little better.
• 60% of Americans cannot name five of the Ten Commandments.
• 82% of Americans believe the phrase "God helps those who help themselves" is in the Bible. Born-again Christians did better — by one percent.
• Only 12% of U.S. adults can name all four Gospels.
• 71% of Christian teens cannot distinguish biblical truth from cultural lies.
• The 2025 Ligonier State of Theology survey — among self-identified evangelicals — found that 47% agreed that God accepts the worship of all religions. 28% said Jesus was a great teacher but not God.
• Couples who regularly read the Bible, attend church consistently, and live as devoted followers of Christ are 35% less likely to divorce than the general population.
• Nominal Christians — those who claim the faith but don't engage the Word — are 20% more likely to divorcethan the general population.

What if some of the things you believe about marriage are actually making marriage harder?

We're joined by Julie Baumgardner, founder of Marriage on the Daily (https://marriageonthedaily.com), to bust some of the most common marriage myths—especially the ones that can trip couples up during the first 10 years.

We're talking about beliefs like:

• "The two become one, so we should basically become the same person."
• "If I married the right person, we wouldn't have this much conflict."
• "Never go to bed angry means we have to resolve this tonight."
• "If you really loved me, you'd know what I need."
• "Once we have kids, they should become the center of everything."

Julie brings nearly four decades of experience working with couples and families, along with 37 years of marriage, to help us separate healthy expectations from the ones that often create frustration and disconnection.

You'll hear why your differences aren't necessarily a problem, why conflict can actually increase intimacy when handled well, how to get underneath anger to the real issue, and why protecting your marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

And perhaps one of the best reminders from the entire conversation:

Different isn't deficient. Different is just different.

If marriage has felt harder than you thought it would, this conversation will help you rethink what "healthy marriage" actually looks like—and give you practical ways to move forward together.

What if the things helping you feel better are actually keeping you from getting better?

Sometimes what we call "better" is really just less uncomfortable.

We avoid the conversation.

We turn on Netflix.

We scroll.

We stay busy.

We overwork.

We take control.

We keep the peace.

And for a little while, it works.

The tension goes down. The argument stops. The anxiety quiets. Everything feels a little more manageable.

But relief isn't the same thing as restoration.

In this episode of Expedition Marriage, Chris and Jamie explore the difference between temporary relief and genuine healing—and why couples can spend years managing marriage pain without ever addressing what is actually broken.

Using the stories of Esau trading his birthright for a bowl of stew, Israel digging broken cisterns in Jeremiah 2, the Israelites wanting to return to Egypt, and Hebrews 12's call to throw off what hinders us, they unpack the spiritual and relational danger of choosing what feels easier now over what produces lasting growth.

In this episode:

• Why "feeling better" doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is getting better
• The difference between relief and restoration
• Why growth usually requires discomfort
• What Esau's birthright teaches us about immediate gratification
• How pornography, scrolling, entertainment, busyness, and control can become substitutes for real healing
• The difference between peacekeeping, peacefaking, and peacemaking
• What Jeremiah's broken cisterns teach us about self-sufficiency
• Why familiar unhealthy patterns can feel safer than unfamiliar healing
• How avoidance slowly erodes marriage resilience
• Why spiritual maturity is necessary for marriage restoration
• How to identify the things hindering your marriage
• Why doing hard things together actually creates greater security

The goal isn't a marriage that never feels uncomfortable.

The goal is a marriage that knows discomfort doesn't have to be dangerous—and that restoration is worth the work.

🎁 Be sure to grab our Relief vs. Restoration Couples Worksheet in the show notes (https://expeditionmarriage.org/podcast/ep-197-relief-isnt-restoration-what-are-you-settling-for-in-your-marriage)

and work through the conversation together.

And whatever you do…

Don't trade lasting restoration for a bowl of stew.

00:00 Hard Things Build Courage

00:45 Relief vs Restoration

02:52 Growth Requires Discomfort

04:06 Comfort Culture and AI

07:06 Cheap Substitutes in Scripture

07:16 Birthright for Stew

11:50 Everyday Avoidance Patterns

14:37 Band-Aids and Broken Cisterns

19:31 Self-Sufficiency vs Living Water

21:06 Real Peace in Christ

21:49 Broken Cisterns Check

23:03 Harmless Distractions Trap

23:54 Busy and Disconnected

25:02 Looking Good vs Being Good

25:51 Unfamiliar Vulnerability

28:38 Old Patterns and Predictability

31:10 Relief vs Restoration

34:33 Throw Off the Weights

36:59 Worksheet and Prayer

39:44 Final Bowl of Stew Warning

The Real Reason Couples Stop Having Sex (And How to Reconnect)

Why can two people deeply love each other and still feel completely disconnected—emotionally or sexually?

And why is sex still something so many Christian couples struggle to talk about?

Today we're joined by licensed marriage and family therapist George Faller, founder of the New York Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy and coauthor of Brave Love, Great Sex.

Before becoming a therapist, George served as a lieutenant in the New York City Fire Department, including during 9/11. And interestingly, that experience still shapes the way he approaches struggling marriages today:

Instead of running away from the fire, learn how to move toward it.

George helps us understand the attachment patterns operating both inside and outside the bedroom—and why what looks like anger, withdrawal, rejection, pressure, or defensiveness may actually be a signal pointing toward a deeper need for connection.

We're talking about:

• Why emotional and sexual connection can't be separated
• The attachment needs underneath conflict
• Why some spouses protest while others withdraw
• How self-protection creates negative cycles
• Why emotions are information—not problems
• How vulnerability creates connection
• Why rejection can create sexual anxiety
• Why repair matters more than never getting it wrong
• Why Christian couples need to get better at talking about sex
• How shame and purity-culture messages can follow us into marriage
• Why great sex isn't primarily about performance
• The importance of sexual communication
• Why pressure can shut down desire
• How pain and chronic illness affect sexual intimacy
• Why mismatched desire doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling sex life
• What can happen to intimacy after 50
• George's four-step process for building a new cycle of connection
• How couples who have been disconnected for years can begin finding their way back

One of our favorite reminders from this conversation:

The goal isn't perfection. It's connection and repair.

If you've been avoiding conversations about emotional or sexual intimacy because they feel uncomfortable, this episode is an invitation to choose the discomfort that can actually take your marriage somewhere better.

Because you don't have to stay stuck in the same cycle forever.

Get George's book, Brave Love, Great Sex: Harnessing Attachment Theory for Passionate Relationships today - https://a.co/d/07GAsF8U

00:00 Meet George Fowler

00:55 From Firehouse to Therapy

03:47 Challenge Response Mindset

04:17 Why Brave Sex Talk Matters

05:48 Attachment Hats Explained

07:15 Sex as Connection System

09:34 When Touch Disappears

10:32 Pursue Withdraw Bedroom Swap

13:08 New Moves Replace Cycles

16:11 Signals Curiosity Caregiving

18:00 Vulnerability and Repair Skills

20:57 Best Sex Talk Questions

22:11 Purity Culture Fallout

23:11 Research on Great Lovers

24:10 Orgasm Gap and Anatomy

25:39 No Pressure Just Healing

27:24 Desire Gap and Better Sex

30:08 Connection Over Performance

30:43 Passion That Grows

33:07 Afterglow and Oxytocin

34:44 Chronic Pain and Brakes

37:50 Four Rs for Safety

39:52 Breaking the Cycle Together

41:24 Choose the Hard Conversation

42:14 Book Release and Farewell

There comes a point in parenting when you realize something terrifying:

You can't control your kids anymore.

They choose their own friends. They date people you may not choose. They make decisions about alcohol, sex, relationships, college, marriage, and eventually even their faith.

So what do you do when you can see where a decision might lead, but you can't stop your child from making it?

In this episode, Chris and Jamie talk honestly about one of the hardest transitions in parenting: moving from control to influence.

They share from their own parenting journey, their own stories of wandering far from God, and the biblical hope we have when a child's current chapter looks nothing like the ending we prayed for.

In this episode:

• Why control becomes an illusion as our children get older
• Why Proverbs 22:6 is wisdom—not a guarantee
• What Lois, Eunice, and Timothy teach us about sincere faith
• How Deuteronomy 6 changes the way we disciple our children
• Why good parenting doesn't guarantee good choices
• The danger of both pride and shame in parenting
• Why repentance may be one of the most powerful things your children see you do
• How to move from controlling your kids to influencing them
• Why curiosity works better than criticism
• How to talk about a relationship you don't approve of
• What to do when your child questions or walks away from Christianity
• Why natural consequences can sometimes be necessary
• What the Prodigal Son teaches us about letting go without giving up
• How to remain heartbroken and hope-filled
• Why your child's current chapter isn't necessarily their final chapter

And Jamie shares the powerful true story of a mother who prayed for her estranged son for decades—and eventually watched him come home to both her and Jesus.

Your job isn't to control every chapter of your child's story.

Plant faithfully. Live your faith sincerely. Speak truth in love. Keep the door open. Keep praying.

And trust the God who loves your child even more than you do.

00:00 Parenting Control Illusion

01:07 Kids Growing Independence

01:56 When Choices Scare You

05:03 Fear Versus Trust

06:39 Proverbs Not Promise

08:00 Faith Not Checkbox

09:20 But God Redemption Stories

12:32 Hope For Wandering Kids

14:48 Sincere Faith Witness

16:29 Shema Daily Discipleship

19:56 Pride Shame Repentance

22:39 Grace And Truth Approach

23:38 Emotional Entrenchment

24:20 Love With Boundaries

25:32 Teaching Wise Decisions

27:32 Let Consequences Teach

28:28 From Rules To Benefit

30:24 Curiosity Not Judgment

33:25 Faith Doubts And Deconstruction

38:54 Mission Field At Home

40:35 Prodigal Son Hope

45:09 Prayer And Final Charge

"My spouse will never change."

It's one of the most common frustrations we hear from married couples.

But what if we're asking the wrong question?

In this episode, Chris and Jamie talk about one of the hardest—and most beautiful—parts of marriage: marriage is designed to change us.

When two imperfect people share a home, a life, disappointments, responsibilities, vulnerabilities, and decades together, there's going to be friction. But that friction doesn't automatically mean something is wrong.

Sometimes it's revealing something.

Marriage can expose our pride, defensiveness, fears, control, unmet expectations, family-of-origin wounds, selfishness, and the places where God still wants to grow us.

Chris and Jamie also pull back the curtain on their own 32-year marriage and answer four questions about how marriage has personally changed each of them.

In this episode:

• Why your spouse today isn't the same person you married
• How Proverbs 27:17 applies to marriage
• Why healthy friction can produce refinement
• Four questions to ask each other about how marriage has changed you
• Why your spouse can trigger a wound they didn't create
• How marriage exposes hidden expectations
• What to ask instead of "Why does my spouse make me act this way?"
• Why biblical oneness does not mean losing yourself
• How conflict can move you toward understanding and healing
• Why the goal isn't simply for God to change your marriage—but to use your marriage to change you

Key question: Instead of asking, "God, why won't you change my spouse?" what if we began asking, "God, who are you inviting me to become in this marriage?"

🎁 Get the four conversation questions from this episode in the show notes.

https://expeditionmarriage.org/podcast/ep-194-marriage-will-change-you-and-thats-the-point/

And if you recognize that some of your reactions began long before your marriage, grab our The Family You Came From guide and use code PODCAST20 for your podcast listener discount.

https://expeditionmarriage.org/courses/the-family-you-came-from/

00:00 Marriage Changes You

00:41 Why Spouses Do Change

02:30 Marriage Reveals the Heart

04:08 Iron Sharpens Iron

06:28 Sparks and Repeat Fights

08:23 Four Questions Setup

08:50 How We've Changed

12:43 Growth Areas to Work On

16:13 Unexpected Marriage Impact

19:52 Lessons Learned Together

22:09 Marriage as a Mirror

23:26 Stop Blaming Your Spouse

24:40 Search Me O God

25:08 Love Well Not Feelings

25:58 Boundaries And Change

27:05 Compromise Makes Us Win

28:04 Oneness Without Losing Self

29:48 Reset Unreal Expectations

39:11 Wounds And Triggers

41:41 Family Of Origin Patterns

44:06 Friction Becomes Refinement

47:38 Prayer And Final Charge

Should you cut off a toxic or difficult parent?

It's a question more adult children are asking, and the answer isn't always as simple as social media makes it sound.

Sometimes no contact really is necessary. Abuse, violence, active addiction, and unsafe behavior require protection and strong boundaries.

But what about the parent who disagrees with your parenting? The emotionally immature mom? The highly opinionated dad? The family member who hurts you but may still be capable of respecting boundaries?

In Episode 193 of Expedition Marriage, Chris and Jamie talk honestly about trauma, family estrangement, healthy boundaries, forgiveness, and biblical reconciliation.

Jamie also shares the deeply personal story of her relationship with her mother—and what happened when, after years of difficulty, she chose to lean in rather than completely close the door.

The result was something she never expected: understanding, healing, reconciliation, and peace before her mother's death.

You'll learn:

✔ When no contact may be appropriate✔ Trauma vs. painful life experiences✔ Why boundaries aren't the same as estrangement✔ How to give difficult family members different levels of access✔ Forgiveness vs. reconciliation✔ Why disagreement doesn't necessarily mean someone is unsafe✔ How Jamie navigated a painful relationship with her mother✔ What to consider before ending a family relationship

🎁 We also created a free 8-page Before You Break Contact guide to help you thoughtfully evaluate your situation before making such a significant decision.

https://expeditionmarriage.org/podcast/ep-193-before-you-cut-off-a-parent-boundaries-biblical-reconciliation/

If you're navigating a painful family relationship, we hope this episode gives you both wisdom and hope.

00:00 Pain and Healing Question

00:50 Cutoff Culture and Conflict

01:34 Adult Child Estrangement

02:47 Therapy vs Social Media Influence

04:45 Voices Over God and Family

06:19 Fear Mongering and Victimhood

09:03 Trauma Realities and Healing

11:05 Labels Little T vs Big T

13:47 Resilience in Anxious Times

17:34 Estrangement as Last Resort

18:52 Grandparents And Differences

19:53 Kids Need Real World

20:35 Boundaries With Mom

23:14 Leaning In For Healing

26:21 When Cutoff Is Needed

29:57 Why Family Matters

34:10 Access Levels Boundaries

35:58 Before No Contact Steps

37:39 Forgiveness Versus Reconciliation

39:16 Prayer And Final Charge

#FamilyEstrangement #ToxicParents #ChristianCounseling #HealthyBoundaries #NoContact #ChristianFamily #Reconciliation

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in your marriage?

Why one of you shuts down... Why the other feels the need to control... Why conflict feels terrifying for one person and normal for another...

The answers may have started long before you ever said, "I do."

In this episode, Chris and Jamie explore how the family you grew up in shapes the way you communicate, handle conflict, pursue intimacy, and experience emotional safety in marriage.

They unpack several common family environments—including chaotic homes, "sweep it under the rug" families, walking-on-eggshells homes, performance-based families, and healthy, God-centered families—and explain the survival skills each one teaches children.

More importantly, they show why those survival skills often become destructive when carried into adulthood.

You'll learn:

• Why your childhood explains your reactions—but doesn't define your future • How survival skills become unhealthy relationship patterns • Why understanding your spouse creates compassion instead of criticism • How emotional safety transforms marriage • The difference between surviving relationships and truly living in them • What a healthy, God-centered family actually looks like

Whether you're trying to understand yourself, your spouse, or the legacy you're creating for your own children, this conversation will help you connect the dots and discover hope for lasting change.

Your story doesn't have to end where it began.

Learn more about identifying your family pattern, how it is affecting your marriage, and steps you can take to help with our The Family You Came From course (as discussed on the podcast): https://expeditionmarriage.org/courses/the-family-you-came-from

Use Discount Code: PODCAST20 for 20% off

00:00 Conflict Feels Normal

00:25 Family Rhythms And Survival

01:39 No Shame Just Growth

04:27 Compassion Over Triggers

05:56 Chaotic Family Signs

09:34 Hypervigilance And Control

11:35 Distrusting Peace In Marriage

14:43 Sweep It Under Rug

16:23 When Conflict Feels Failure

21:30 Walk On Eggshells Home

24:29 Control vs Safety

25:26 Plastic Bag Passivity

25:44 Boundaries and Emotions

26:10 Survival Skills Trap

26:55 Healing Feels Unsafe

28:22 Letting God Fight

29:30 Performance Family Pressure

31:46 Perfectionism at Home

33:45 Fear of Failure in Men

37:09 Secure God Centered Family

39:49 Grace Truth and Repair

43:52 Hope Prayer and Next Steps

Does God actually care about your physical health?

Many Christians have unknowingly separated faith from health, believing one is spiritual while the other is merely physical.

Former NHL strength coach Justin Roethlingshoefer believes that's one of the greatest misconceptions in the Church today.

In this episode, Justin shares how Scripture and science beautifully work together to reveal God's intentional design for the human body.

Chris and Jamie also explore how depleted health affects marriage, parenting, ministry, and every other area of life.

Topics include:

✔ Why your body is an act of worship ✔ Why identity comes before habits ✔ The enemy's strategy of distraction and depletion ✔ Biblical rhythms for work, rest, and recovery ✔ Why healthy people love others better ✔ Building holy health instead of worldly health

Learn more about Justin and Holy Health:

www.holyhealthbook.com

Amazon affiliate link - https://a.co/d/0haUWrBu

Follow Justin on Social media:

https://www.instagram.com/justinroeth?igsh=MTN4NGhtYzh2NmoyYg==

https://www.instagram.com/weareholyhealth?igsh=b3Z2bzBjZGNubGVq

00:00 Meet Justin Roethlingshoefer

01:17 From Extremes to Healing

06:15 Science Meets Scripture

08:09 Living Sacrifice Mindset

11:00 Church Health Crisis

15:22 Enemy Playbook Seven Ds

21:48 Genesis Design Rhythms

26:33 Depletion and Identity

31:41 Values Language Shift

34:50 Stop Saying I Cant

35:19 Cold Pool Integrity Test

37:21 Confidence Through Habits

39:58 Words Shape Identity

41:34 Couples Build Holy Rhythms

42:10 Compromise Cascade Explained

44:47 Marriage Alignment Examples

50:16 Men Discouragement Reset

55:04 Women Boundaries Refill

59:05 Book Launch And Bonuses

01:01:06 Gods Fingerprints In Body

01:04:36 Holy Health 40 And Academy

01:06:50 Final Blessing And Sendoff