"Now repeat after me: I take you as my lawfully wedded husband. I take you with all your strengths and your many, many faults, and I offer my faults to you, but I'm keeping my strengths for me and my motorcycle gang. I will stick with you forever through health and minor sickness, as long as you don't get me sick. 'Til death or a bad haircut do us part."

The fellas are ordained ministers now—what did it take?? Spoiler, not much.

Some other topics: Sexy lumberjack/blacksmith calendars, raiding on the open seas, patenting a stick.

Want to submit ideas? Email us at [email protected] with anything you think would be impressive and/or hilarious.

The contest: Have a biography that is as impressive as possible, while requiring the least possible work to get there. (Doctor, race car driver, #1 best-selling author, etc.)

The rules: Each week, we pick something we want to add to our bios. We can get there however we want, as long as we meet the requirements set for that bio item.

We will go to the end of the Earth and back to win (as long as it's not too much work).