There were 4 words I heard from my counselor several years back, "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!" They hit me in the heart like a brick. Those were some of the strongest, most validating words I had ever heard. May the resonate with you as much as they did myself.  That is where tiny minuscule steps of healing began and I hope the same for you! I've attached a short voice clip from a couple of years ago. This is something I started doing about 3 years ago instead of writing in a journal.  With life, kids, work there isn't always time to just sit and write so I steal moments when I'm alone...like in my car!