A Monster I'm Up Against

Here is another recording I did from a couple of years ago.  I remember that early morning very clearly. I had just done my quiet time with God and was reflecting while my family slept. I am very emotional as I talk in this recording. None of it was prepared or thought out. It was straight form what my heart was feeling at the time. Raw

As I listened to this recording today, my heart felt heavy yet thankful! Thankful I am no longer that person sitting there crying and reflecting on what has wounded me.  I am now a year out of my narcissistic marriage and my heart and spirit heal more everyday. I am actually thankful for the things I have been through.  Thankful for the things God has carried me through.  All for a greater purpose, a purpose to be able to help others and to understand their hurts, wounds and fears as well as healing. 

It makes me uncomfortable to think of myself as a victim.  As I listened to this recording I felt like the woman speaking(me) was a victim.  What I do love is that I was becoming aware of what was holding me back. 

My view on forgiveness still, is that it is important to do so.  My forgiveness came with boundaries to protect me.  I cut my adoptive father out of my life to protect myself and my children. I divorced my narcissistic ex-husband because he was abusing me and was very toxic for my well being. Do I still struggle with hating them? Yes, of course! I really don't put a lot of time or emotion into it any longer because I have let it go.  I am not their victim any longer.  I am stronger. I am healthier mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I have set an example for my children that they do  not have to tolerate inappropriate behaviors from others, no matter who the other is.

Forgiveness is for you and only you.  We are human, we will hate. We just can't let that hate consume us. We must forgive the person and hate the actions.  It means letting go but not forgetting.  We don't want to forget the pain or the feeling of hate. It's what protects us from allowing such behaviors again.  I have found such peace in forgiving, not forgetting and cutting out the unhealthy person in my life.  I hope in your journey of healing you will find the tools and strength to do the same!

How do you deal with triggers or PTSD when they pop up?

Learning to cope with the emotional triggers that hit us after we've gotten out of an abusive narcissistic relationship

Here is my voice recording of the letter titled above.  When I first read it I had to read it over and over to let it sink in. It was the first time something validated me in such a powerful way.....as if it were written directly to me.  I hope this gives you the same validation and empowerment it did me. Happy Healing

The Author is Athena Staik, Ph.D.

Search for:  What It Means When A Narcissist Says "I Love You"

Why are you holding onto the unhealthy relationships in your life? What keeps YOU hostage to them like it did me? I hope you are able to dig deep and find out why so you can start changing that toxic bond!

Here is another voice journal from a year and a half ago while I was still in my marriage.  In this I talk about the desire for the one abusing me to disappear.... In my research and my own counseling for years I learned this is a very "normal" thought process of the one subjected to the constant verbal and emotional abuse, control, gas lighting and manipulation.  We have a bond or trauma bond with our abuser(More on that in the next episode). The reality is we feel trapped and hopeless. As if there is no way out. We are scared and constantly told,

"We are nothing without them!"

"I'll take our kids from you..."

 "We will never survive on our own, that we will come crawling back!" 

"We are nothing without them!"

"You came with nothing you'll leave with nothing!"

 "No one else will want us or 'love' us the way they do!"

I now know that was NEVER love! If you've fantasized about something happening so the monster never comes home again, you are not a bad person and there is nothing wrong with you.  It is called survival.  It is the way our minds and hearts feel and process the abuse. This, in our minds is the only way to be free of the abuse and control.  Let's be honest, most of us are afraid to leave.  One, because we believe the lies they feed us and two, we are afraid they will hurt us or kill us.

This was recorded 1 and a half years ago. I chose while I was still in the madness that I would prep, learn, talk to others, get professional counseling, my counselor was one of the best things that ever happened to me! She validated me and started me on the path of seeing my true worth. Not the worth that had been spewed at me from my husband and past abuses.  She helped to show me I was stronger than that. I gathered an army of help and support(I was very blessed in that department), I bought many household items and furniture and stored them at different friends and families homes. I stashed cash when I could and I bought gift cards and stashed those as well. I took a women's self defense course 2x and became so passionate about it that I was invited to become part of the team to help other women. I was planning my escape. That was probably the smartest thing I did. I went through 2 attorneys.  I fired the first one.  She was a woman on a mission and she wasn't on my side.  I decided that if I was going to go through something so scary that I needed someone who wasn't going to give me opposition.  I had had enough of that over my lifetime! I should also say that it took me over 3 years to file. When I finally found the perfect attorney for my case, my papers sat in his office for a year. I was scared of the unknown and afraid of the monster I was up against.  Tiny and I mean tiny step by steps I moved forward and became more empowered.  Fear still gripped me tightly to the point I couldn't breathe some days, but I was determined. I would look at my beautiful children some days and cry.  I wanted so much more for them! I wanted them to have a whole and healthy family. That obviously wasn't my choice because my  monster wasn't capable of such things. 

So today I sit in my very own office and write this.....and I'm free of him.  Well....to some degree. We share children together.  I'm just not his to control anymore. There is hope for you! You aren't stuck forever. It may take you a long time as it did me, but everyone's journey is different.  Today as I remember wishing my monster to disappear and never come home.....honestly there are days I still wish that with him being difficult....it's just not a daily thought anymore.  That feeling in it's self was torture.  Take a tiny step forward of getting away from your abuser. That tiny step leads to bigger steps til one day you look back and see how far you've come! 

While still trapped in my narcissistic abusive marriage I started to become aware of what being treated with respect from other men was. I truly believe God placed these men in my life to show me that men can be kind, genuine and respectful. One day I was shocked at the kindness a male friend showed me. I was telling God it blew me away. Gods gentle voice spoke this to me, "Why does it shock you when you are treated kindly, but you are very willing to accept when they disrespect you and mistreat you?" God stumped me...my way of thinking was so wrong! God is working on healing that in me now. I am free of my marriage and all the abuse and games played. God is showing me my value. Not my value in other men. My boundaries are much stronger now. I'm not willing to tolerate anything less than being respected, cherished and just simply being treated like a human being. For those of us who have been abused and conditioned to always think we aren't worth it and we don't deserve it and if we don't get it, it's our faults.....Then it is a very big step to finally see our worth and stand up for ourselves. May this segment help you in some small way to show you your worth and for you to start protecting YOU!

Financial Abuse/Control are real! It is an action that makes the abusee feel disrespected, controlled, demeaned and pathetic.  Money is an easy tool for the Narcissist to control. We are made to feel that if we don't contribute monetarily than we are worthless and therefore do not deserve the hard earned money of the abuser. If you have children and take care of a home and the agreement is that you stay home then you do work hard each and every day, 24/7 non stop. It should be a partnership, equal.  Making the money doesn't make a person more powerful or give them the right to make another inferior.  

There were 4 words I heard from my counselor several years back, "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!" They hit me in the heart like a brick. Those were some of the strongest, most validating words I had ever heard. May the resonate with you as much as they did myself.  That is where tiny minuscule steps of healing began and I hope the same for you! I've attached a short voice clip from a couple of years ago. This is something I started doing about 3 years ago instead of writing in a journal.  With life, kids, work there isn't always time to just sit and write so I steal moments when I'm alone...like in my car!