Falling Into Holes: A Memoir

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

There's no stronger bond in this world than that of a mother and her child. 

Sometimes that bond is made of love. Sometimes that bond is made of steel.

What do you do when you lose someone? What do you say when a loved one loses someone? How do you deal with the overwhelm of grief? Shut Up and Let Me Grieve explores the reality of the experience of grieving and the shockwave that every death leaves in its wake through original poetry and prose.

In the summer of 2020, I attempted to end my life. Two days later, I checked myself into a psychiatric facility. On the first day, they gave me a blank composition notebook. This is what I wrote.

If I speak it, it becomes real. If I speak it, it isn’t festering inside me, eating away at my soul. If I speak it, I hold the power over it. The truth needs air. The truth needs to be heard.

Decades ago, psychologists conducted the ACE Study on adverse childhood experiences. Every trauma you experienced gives you one ACE point. My ACE score is a nine out of ten. My body keeps the score.

She wore fairy wings, jelly shoes, and eyeliner out to her hairline. I knew instantly that we would be best friends. I chose her. This is the story of Holly.