Fatherhood On Fire

Meredith Bodgas is the Editor-In-Chief of Working Mother. She's our first woman guest on Fatherhood On Fire and she brings the heat! 

We talk about Working Mother's 2019 Best Companies For Dad's 2019. What it took to make this years list and what steps ANY company regardless of size and resources can do to help father's find better work/life rhythm.

We talk the "mental load." All the remembering that it takes to get parenting done. With 70% of American mother's working full time it's no longer feasible for the mother to carry the entire mental load. The best way for fathers to help is just start. If you're worried you're going to do it wrong ask before hand or ask for feedback after the fact. But just start!

We talk about "mom guilt" and how we as father's can help alleviate "mom guilt" and help. Often "mom guilt" is a result of feeling that not enough is getting done. To combat that be specific. Offer your wife to take a nap or watch some TV while you take care of the dishes. So she knows something is getting done around the house and it's okay for her to take some time.

We talk about "trendy self care" and over coming the pressure to make self care another to-do list item that doesn't really bring rest and restoration.

Plus me embarrassing myself on how terrible I am at every topic.

Check out Working Mother

Follow Meredith on LinkedIn

Email Meredith at [email protected]

Jay Gabrani is the found of Prepared Fathers. 

He's the father of three children, an entrepreneur, and a real estate investor. When his wife unexpectedly passed away in 2014 he was left as the executor to her will. Believing that his accounting education and entrepreneurial background had equipped him for this role he was shocked to find how challenging it was for him. On top of navigating the loss of his wife and becoming a single dad over night there were so many unknowns with her accounts, safety deposit keys, etc.

Jay began to ask himself what would have happened to his family if the situation had been reversed and his wife and kids were left to navigate the finances on their own. He reach out to other fathers to ask what might be. Were they prepare? Would their families have unnecessary hurdles that could be avoided?

We talk with Jay about the low hanging fruit that you can take action on today.

Jay gives advice on how to instill sound financial habits in your children. His policy is that half of every dollar they earn or receive goes into savings. Once it grows large enough they invest it and the kids are involved in where it gets invested. His kids all do lemonade stands. Not because they make a bunch of money but because they learn about buying and selling things. He encourages his kids to embrace technology and the opportunities there. His kids buy and sell things on Kijiji, a Canadian classifieds website. It's not about making money, it's about learning the skills of buying and selling.

We talk about investing. He shares timeless advice and encourages us to ignore the trends and choose the investment vehicles that make sense for your lifestyle and your family. Does it interest you? Do you have the time to nurture it? Are you able to educate yourself so as to minimize the risk?

Get your free Father's Guide To Financial Preparation

Check out Prepared Fathers for all their resources.

Email Jay directly with questions

Scott Paciorek brings a unique perspective to fatherhood. He has two adult daughters from a previous marriage and new a 10 year old son with his wife. His wife encouraged him to reach out and forgive his wife which he says "immediately lifted the weight of the world off". Afterwards his wife said, now it's time for you to rebuild your relationship with your daughters. Assuming that they would want nothing to do with him he was hesitant. His wife, who came from a separated home, told him he just had to reach out and be consistent in his communication. Scott, compares the reconciliation process to growing a plant. You have to start by throwing the seed out there. And be continuous and purposeful in your communication even though you're not seeing anything develop on the surface yet. You have to trust that there's activity working underneath until the plant is ready to sprout and face the world.

Scott and his wife experienced the lost of a child 18 weeks into their pregnancy. It was a devastating loss that led Scott to challenge God and ready to give up his faith. His wife said to him, "you are the leader of our house. As you go, I'll go." It was in that moment that Scott realized his responsibility as a man of God is so much more than himself.

Scott and Serlena were able to conceive again and welcomed their son Timothy, "The Goalkeeper" earlier than expected. He says it was prayer and the strength of his community that kept him going.

Being in an interracial relationship, Scott talks about the the challenges and the comments they've had to endure. He talks about now raising Timothy and how they're able to discuss those things openly.

Finally, Scott shares about how a bicycle changed his life. He was at a point where he was overweight, taking 9 different pills a day, and had just accepted that this was his fate. One day he went out and bought a bicycle, rode 2 miles, and has been hooked ever since. He says his diabetes is in check, his weight is manageable, and he only takes one pill a day.

A great episode for anyone experiencing fracture in their family, crisis of faith, and in need of encouragement.

Ryan Miller is a coach to high performers (and aspiring ones). Host of the Exsellence Mindset podcast. Founder of Fit Health. And Executive Pastor of For His Glory Community Church.

Ryan brings the heat! We talk about Servant Leadership at home. The challenges he had to overcome to be the leader he wants to be at home.

We dive deep into the social media post that caused me to reach out to Ryan as a guest. Ryan's oldest daughter, in her senior year, was informed she was going to play on the JV Water Polo. After the initial anger subsided she made the very mature decision to step back from water polo and focus on swimming which she is stronger at and expects to finish well at. She took the extra step to sit down individually with each of her coaches and explain her thought process around her decision and express her gratitude to them. Both coaches said it was the first time a student athlete had ever had such a conversation with them. What we can take away from this as fathers:

At the beginning of 2019, for the first time in more than 10 years, Ryan decided not to write down any goals. He chose instead to focus on who he wanted to be as a person, based on the identity below above, and focus on the habits that lead to fulfillment of that identity.

10 Habits

Personal Identity - 

https://ryanjamesmiller.com/

Instagram

LinkedIn

Tik Tok @rjmsalespro

Fit Health

On this episode we connect with the founder of Firestarters Inc., Jason Barnaby. 

Jason talks about starting a family in Poland. How 9/11 impacted his family. The decision to home school and long distance calling plans. We talk about his company Firestarters Inc. how he helps people get unstuck, find their fire, and fan their flame.  We discuss the importance of Tribe. Who's in your tribe? What roles should be in your tribe? And how to "hire" your Tribe. 

Check out Firestarters Inc. https://firestarterstribe.com/ 

Connect with Jason on social media: 

LinkedIn Facebook Instagram

This episode's guest is James Sells. He shares the story of he and his wife adopting their youngest daughter, Sophia. It's a really powerful story of how God works in our hearts and the challenges that adoptive children and families face. And the understanding that can help us support them.

"God had placed an ability in my heart to connect with kids. No matter what area they were in." This instilled in him a belief that he could love an adoptive child just as much as a biological child. It was early on his life that he began to see the need for children without parents and he felt he could do that.

One year during Adoption Month, in November, a couple came to his church to speak about international special needs adoption. This reignited the fire in James' heart to adopt. So he asked his wife. At this point they had two young boys and she was not interested in bringing another toddler into their house. So he prayed to God to work in heart if adoption was something that was supposed to be part of their life. 

Each year following the adoption message at church he'd ask his wife. And each year the answer was NO. On the fifth year, before asking, he told himself this would be the last time. Expecting another no, he turned to ask his wife and began rolling over before she could answer. To his surprise she said yes. The next day they called Bethany Christian Services to begin the process.

James expected a quick placement, maybe two weeks. It actually wound up taking two years for them to get a placement. It turns out that most mothers prefer to place their children with parents who don't already have children for fear that their child wouldn't be loved as much. While disheartening to hear, James could understand the perception. Finally they got a call to come to the office, having been two years they had grown discouraged and expected it was to update some paperwork. The mood quickly changed when the social worker said "I think we've got a match for you." James saw the feet on the birth certificate and told his wife, "those are my feet."

When asked how adoption has changed his approach to fatherhood James said, it hasn't really changed his approach to fatherhood much. Because he loves Sophia like his own. He says he'll have moments when he'll be reminded that she's not biologically his and it come as a bit of a shock each time. What adoption has done is changed his approach to everyone else. He says "If I can adopt her into my heart as if she's mine, I can do that with any other human being."

James talks about the struggles and challenges they face as an adoptive family. When they hear "You're not my Mom and Dad. My Mom loves me." The fear of having to see their daughter go through the emotional pain of feeling inadequate or abandoned by her biological mother. And knowing that all they can do is love her through it and pray for her.

You can email James at [email protected]

Indiana Adoption Program https://www.indianaadoptionprogram.org/

Bethany Christian Services https://bethany.org/

Josh was the 5th place finisher at the 2017 World Beard and Mustache Competition in Austin, TX. His daughter, Poppy, was born at the end of 2018 and Josh missed the 2019 competition in Belgium. We talk with Josh about the 2021 World championship in New Zealand and the decision process he and his wife are going through.

Josh is traveling enthusiast and a bit of a thrill seeker. New Zealand has been a bucket list destination for a long time and being host to the 2021 Championship it is very enticing to go. However, it would be an expensive trip. Although his wife, Chelsea, would be all on board for the trip he says there is still a sense of selfishness about dragging the whole family across the world so he can compete in a mustache contest. To learn more about the facial hair community check out the North American Competitive Beard And Mustache Alliance.

Josh gives us the inside scoop on No Shave November which raises awareness and funds for cancer prevention and research. As well as Movember whose tag-line is Grow A Mo, Save A Bro. Movember raises fund and awareness for prostate cancer, testicular cancer, as well as mental health and suicide prevention.

We also discuss Josh's approach towards fatherhood and the internal competition we all face to both spend time with our family and fulfill the role as provider. Josh shares that his father was around but did work a lot and often wasn't able to be present with the family. He says now becoming a father he's realizing that he draws on this past experience to fulfill provider role more than he previously realized. 

He talks about the impact it would have when his dad was able to show up for his little league games. And the feeling that we would get to play harder. That he needed to step up, needed to show dad that he could do this. He felt like he had to work harder for his dad's approval, to impress him, so that his dad would see that he could hold his own.

In that void Josh got to spend a lot of time with one his friends fathers and their family. Who took Josh to his first Red's baseball game and would all go fishing together. But furthermore, Josh got to see his friends parents as total people. He got to witness them resolve arguments as well as love each other. Discipline together and parent on the same page. When they weren't on the same page they could work through it quickly. 

This episode is presented in memory of Cade Griffin and Luca Summitt.

Adam Griffin is a personal development author and former founder of Bodeefit. In this episode we discuss Adam's book The Guy At The Bar: Notes From A Father Who Lost A Lot, But Gained A Little.

Adam's first born son, Cade, had an extremely rare genetic condition that halted his skin growth during pregnancy. The rest of his body continued to develop and grow which meant Cade eventually outgrew his own skin. Two months prior to his estimated birth date, Cade was born on March 13, 2014. Two days later Adam was standing in a bar waiting for a carry out pizza. Cade's condition was incurable and not survivable. Yet Adam waited for a pizza. A seemingly normal guy completing a normal task. It was in this moment on what he called "the longest, worst, most beautiful day of my life," that Adam came to understand how little we actually know about what our fellow man may be going through. Adam realized "Not a single one of these people know that I have to go back to the hospital after this and say goodbye to my first-born son."

In our episode we go beyond the pages and discuss how The Guy At The Bar came to be. At the time of Cade's death, Adam was contracted with a publisher to write a fitness book. However, as he used writing as an outlet for grief, he soon realized that sharing what he was currently going through was the only thing he would have the fortitude to write about.

Adam talks about the concept of "The Wall" in grief. Many of us probably familiar with the concept of "hitting the wall" in athletics. Adam describes it as similar if you were being chased by a bear. Your body would flood with adrenaline and testosterone to overcome the physical threat at hand. In grief your mind resorts to numbness and isolation to get through the emotional trauma and proceed to safety. However, once the immediacy of the situation has seceded the numbness and isolation wears off and we are faced full force with our grief.

Adam shares how grief is actually a really good construct for personal development. When we dig deeper into what personal development, we're really seeking to improve our ability to handle unexpected challenges that come our way. He expands on this in his second book Redwood: A Guide To Leading A Remarkable Life when he dissects the short comings of the "fail fast, fail forward" mantra which encourages people to seek out failure. But if you're really striving for something and expecting positive outcomes failure is a gut punch that knocks you to your knees and leaves you struggling to breath let alone move forward.

Adam discusses how Cade's life and death has impacted how he parents now. He's found that "what death does is it makes really clear what's important and what's not." And closes by encouraging listeners to take a growth mindset to parenting. To be open to what your children can teach you about yourself.

To purchase The Guy At The Bar or Redwood click here.

To learn more about Adam and read his other work visit http://adamgriff.in/

You can follow Adam on Instagram @adamgriffinbty

PPROM Foundation https://www.aapprom.org/

Society For Maternal Fetal Medicine list of support groups https://www.smfm.org/members/support-groups

Mark "Pun" Maxwell-Smith is a multiple-Emmy nominee producer and writer. His productions include Mouthtrap, Talkabout, Humdingers, Now You Know, and many others. Additionally he provided material for series such as Name That Tune, Let's Make a Deal, and Beat The Clock.

More importantly to Mark, is the honor he's had to serve children with serious medical issues and use his gifts of silliness and sensitivity as "Pun" to bring joy and laughter into their lives.

"Pun" talks about the importance of role modeling service for his 10 year old granddaughter. And how touched he was when she asked him about his service one weekend and asked "did you make them laugh?" That it is never to early to demonstrate "that part of life is sharing, part of life is community, part of life is giving back." And understanding that all we have is each other, and if we can be of service to another then we are of service to ourselves.

Mark discusses how grand parenting has impacted him and the gift of moving closer to his grand daughter. How as a Dad, he was very much on the work track, and now as a Grandparent he is able to provide his granddaughter his undivided attention.

Mark examines the grandparent relationship his daughters had. He shares that one grandma was overly involved in their lives and the other was mostly withdrawn. As a result Mark has learned to be involved without overstepping his daughters authority.

Mark shares his observations of fathers of children with serious illnesses and what we can all learn from them. He noticed many fathers show up for family camp with the "chauffeur mentality" that they'll drive the family up, but they're not going to sing and dance and do all that Kumbaya stuff, but within twelve hours that guy is out front singing or wearing a tutu. Or down by the fishing pond having a perfectly idle conversation with their child. Once out of the cultural expectations fathers open and blossom and do what we're all meant to do as humans which is communicate.

To see fathers face a situation in which their child faces a life challenging or life threatening diagnosis. To see fathers fighting a battle that he doesn't think he could fight, and to see them stay focused on their children and the happiness, well-being, and future of their children. From that we can draw inspiration to begin to strive for the level of humanity these fathers exhibit. To see their love reminds of us what he's supposed to be.

Mark talks about the challenges of extreme emotions and not being embarrassed. That it is important for kids to see us at times at the affect of our feelings. As long it's done with rationality, kids should see that their is a safe space to express their emotions.

You can connect with Mark on Facebook at Pun ForPhun

To learn more about or support The Painted Turtle Camp click here.

To learn more about or support Camp Ronald McDonald For Good Times click here.