FatherShould Podcast

This week’s guest Fred Brown, is a father of three and raising his niece Nia in the wake of the death of both of her parents. While navigating her unique trauma, Fred and his village work to assure his niece that she’s not alone. Knowing he would be the one to raise Nia, Fred continues to instill in her the legacy of academic rigor that meant so much to her parents. On the firmer side of things are the whoopings they all endured that are no longer allowed and they trade stories from the trenches. On the softer side is the therapy that they all advocate for. Fred also makes sure to spend individual time with each child, knowing what they like and shares his confusion at their ever-changing interests. As always, FatherShould takes a firm/soft approach, taking us from the most poignant moments of life and loss, and back to the hilarious. Join to hear what Fleming advises parents what to look for in potential godparents and Ms. Von’s tireless defense of Geminis everywhere.

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“I feel like the people who are loyal to us are about to throw us away,” Ms. Von manages to say while nearly crying with laughter, “I apologize in advance.” No apology is necessary for the hilarity that ensues. The episode opens with the term “boomerang baby,” which Fleming thinks he coined to describe an unexpected pregnancy resulting from a one-night stand. Ms. Von is quick to correct him explaining it actually refers to a grown child who returns home to live with his or her parents. This leads to discussions about how expensive it is to raise children, the baffling clothing and hygiene choices of teenagers, and why all of Ms. Von’s girlfriends insist having kids is a scam.

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“You two should lead seminars,” Fleming tells Virginia (Rita) and her ex-husband Victor of how they maintain a strong family unit and exemplary co-parenting since their divorce. And it’s a relationship that’s had perhaps more than its fair share of challenges. Having had their first son Victor at the end of high school, they credit both of their parents for helping them raise a new baby while just becoming adults themselves. Though they’d eventually realize they were better off as good friends, they continued to prioritize their sons above all, and now each socializes, attends family functions and even vacations with the other’s new spouses. Their foundation of respect is evident even in the way that Rita alternately turns to prompt Victor’s opinion on a topic, after she’s given her own.Join the conversation to hear Victor Sr.’s ambivalence toward protests against gun violence, the strength of his and Rita’s faith, and the one issue he and Rita ever argued about as co-parents.

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“You only get one body,” Ms. Von reminds us on this episode of FatherShould, “Most people don’t realize it until it’s too late, until it's literally too late.” A large part of keeping our bodies in optimal health is knowing our genetic risks and predispositions. Both agree on the importance of self-advocacy, which includes knowing your body and paying attention to those changes. Besides genetics, our family influences our health by the habits they instill in us, habits we shouldn’t be afraid to change, especially as we get older. We naturally grow out of certain tastes, or otherwise suddenly develop allergies to foods we’ve always eaten. Once you begin to upgrade your eating habits, Ms. Von explains, foods you once couldn’t live without just cease to be appealing. Fleming and Ms. Von weigh in on the great peanut butter debate, the popular and/or traditional foods they don’t like and which foods are worth a trip to the hospital.

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“Self-care is about consistency, doing things routinely,” says Shanta Hayes, therapist and licensed clinical social worker. Structure and routine are the foundation of raising a successful child who practices their own self care. Creating structure doesn’t just make life easier for parent and child, it also builds bonds. This can be challenging particularly when co-parenting, but it’s vital to consistency. Shanta explains that parents shouldn’t be afraid to walk the child through the reasons, consequences and benefits of the rules they have to follow, letting them know how certain behaviors are connected. It's vital that parents mirror the behavior they wish to see, and teach children the "how" of things, rather than demand "why" when the child can't produce what they haven't learned. They also need to be taught the vocabulary to be able to express their specific feelings. On this week's episode Shanta, Von and Fleming reiterate the importance of your body language matching your verbiage, the importance of finding a therapist with the right fit, and why anger in adolescence is often a sign of depression.

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What starts off as a conversation about the quirky yet honest things children say, transitions into observations about how closely children pay attention to their parents. This means they know when adults are fighting, and need adults to confide in, whether it be a therapist, mentor or older family member. Fleming and Von are baffled by the clothing choices and hygiene practices of the young people in their life. Other challenges with children include how protective and territorial they get when introducing new family members into the family dynamic. In turn, the adults have to adjust and learn to let go as the children grow up, gain independence and prefer the company of their peers. Join the conversation to learn about the power of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, whether Fleming’s greatest fear with his son was ever realized and vital warning in the song “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin.

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Today’s guests, Tarasha and Ryan Bell, discuss the joys and challenges of raising a blended family, including their two daughters from previous relationships who are the same age. They highlight the importance of recognizing all the children as theirs, and making sure the kids are aware that no one is being replaced even as they adjust to having to share parents and living spaces. The same goes for the adults, who have to recognize that there are now other parents in the children’s lives who have similar standing. Parents must be willing to learn their personalities and discipline– and accommodate– accordingly. It’s also important to receive feedback from people with the opposite parenting styles, so that you don’t fall into a parenting echo chamber and can continue to grow. Today’s episode includes a spirited debate about the equivalent of a push present for fathers, the importance of taking the time before responding emotionally, and finding the humor in it all.

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On this episode of FatherShould, Fleming and Ms. Von discuss how more Dads have been vocal this year about how they want to be properly celebrated and what they want to receive for gifts. Men are beginning to embrace the tradition that some usually would have shied away from – or been shy about vocalizing it. They also discuss why children need to have a healthy fear of adults and why you should always remember that however a relationship ends, the children involved are innocent.

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Ms. Von's father, Albert Tompkins joins the conversation to talk about his journey of fatherhood. He discusses how his daughters and life softened his rigid edges, as he approached being the dad he never had himself. Father and daughter look back on situations ranging from uncomfortable to tragic. But every situation only inspired togetherness, communication, and evolution both individually and with each other. On this episode of FatherShould, hear Albert describe the special relationship he has with his grandson, what he is proud of and the many situations that can be explained with a car analogy.

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“I was staying up very late on Sunday nights, because I didn’t want to face Mondays,” says Steve E. Ballard explains on this episode of FatherShould. This was more than just that “dreary Monday” feeling. Mondays represented reality, having to face the business he had built and the mounting decisions that came with it, fear of dealing with himself and with life. He was unable to make even the most basic decisions, paralyzed, like so many people, by the worry of how others would judge him. It nearly drove him to have a breakdown. Only when he reconciled with his sexuality, enrolled in therapy and gave his life over to God, did he free himself. On this episode of FatherShould, learn why acknowledging your talents leads to recognizing your purpose, how fear plays into the evolving relationship between parent and child, and how to free yourself from worrying about what others think of you.

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