Fear of failure.

Fear of success.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of uncertainty.

Fear of loss.

Fear of death.

Fear of being brokenhearted.

Fear of looking bad.

Fear of what others might think.

Fear of what your partner might think.

Fear of discomfort.

Fear of stepping outside what you've known.

Fear of being broke.

Fear of your efforts amounting to nothing.

Fear of being vulnerable.

Fear of unrequited love.

Ultimately, all fear is ever saying is, "No."

You got dreams?

You got desires?

You got wishes?

You got aspirations?

Fear says..."No, stay safe instead. It's better here."

How is it possible that fear is a friend misunderstood?

Let's look at it from my 4-year old son's perspective. I love him dearly but he's given us zero sleep the last two weeks. The monsters in his room are really getting to him right now. Most nights, he gets up at least once, walks into our room, wakes us up (usually mom) and asks us to escort him to his room and help him fall back asleep. We ask him why he's awake and his response every single time has been, "I'm scared. The monsters are in my room."

If you've been following these blogs, you know that I make connections with my experience as a parent to my experience in my coaching. The honor of being a parent (and also being a coach) is you get to help guide a new human into experiencing their emotions for the first time. These are novel experiences unique to being a human and they are complex. They are physiological and somatic. I've found that to the extent that you've done your inner work in your own development is how far and deep you can go with your own kids (and clients, colleagues, partners, etc.)

In this instance, I get to explore fear with my son.

Wow, what a task right? And honestly, I wasn't very good at it first. I felt annoyed. I felt like he should just tough it out and go back to sleep. But I realized that how he shapes his relationship with fear now will impact the rest of his life. So, clearly, I need to be better.

We tried a few things. We tried to give him space to explore and express his fear. We gave his fear a voice. We asked him to tell us more about what's going on for him when he feels the monsters nearby. We gave him tips of what else he could do when he wakes up. He seemed like he would be getting it, but then later that evening, he would get up again. And the next night. And the next night.

We were drawing on blanks on what else we could do, so we asked Maxwell's teacher.

Sidenote: It took us over two weeks to ask her. Why? Well a lesson we keep having to learn is it's okay to ask for help. And in this instance, we needed to learn it again. Let me tell you, I'm so glad we did because we loved her approach.

She said that as early humans, we like and get curious about fear. We experiment with it. We explore it. One of the earliest games we play as a kid is Peekaboo! It's a game that is centered around fear! Kids also love to chase each other and scare each other. Fear is a part of their early play! When we feel fear, we like the feeling of it and then we like knowing that it's actually not real. But what happens is as our mind starts to mature, it also starts to fall asleep to the inner child in us. We create stories where fear becomes our reality. And for Maxwell, his mind is starting to do just that. The fear that he feels at night overwhelms him that it becomes his whole reality. He over-identifies with it and then it drives him to get up, run to our room and ask for our help.

Ok, so clearly if I tried to tell Maxwell this, he'll probably be confused. We have to get creative on how we communicate these concepts to him and use metaphors and stories. But for you who is reading and listening, I hope metaphors aren't necessary. I hope there is some resonance in what I'm saying.

What part of your fear are you over-identifying with?

What if you got in touch with your inner child and got curious about fear?

How would you show up to your deepest dreams & desires from there?

I invite you to sit with this for a while. Reflect on how it might show up in your life. And if you get an insight, I'd love to hear about it.

"Fear is a friend who's misunderstood, but I know the heart of life is good."

-John Mayer

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jomar.substack.com/subscribe