February 4th marks 4 years since I was SA'd and that sentence still feels wild to write. I feel so far removed from the person that I was, and yet that scared little girl is inside me every day.

Everyone can see a big event like that. It's a big, traumatic, physically obvious moment. There were detectives, and hospitals, and social workers, and it's an event you can put a name to. But, what you can't explain, are all the little moments in between. The lead up, the after math, and things completely unrelated. Those are what are heavy on my heart coming up to this anniversary.

The way I was speaking to myself for years left deep pathways in my mind and led me to believe that no matter how hard I tried or what I did, I would never be good. It led me to try to find a place that I could just be good or be enough. 

And it landed me in a dangerous position where I was hurt, and it seemed like it came out of nowhere. But, for me it was just another drop in the bucket because I had already felt inherently damaged for ages.

And that's a heartbreaking way to feel about yourself.

So I had to realize how much more pressure I've been putting on myself by the way I speak in my own mind. I was going through so much and my mind was tearing me down for even struggling. Backwards right? But, I think we all do that to ourselves.

This anniversary is about learning to be the one to sit with myself in every little moment and say "I am so sorry sorry I spoke to you like that. I am so sorry you had to go through everything you did"

I'm learning to be good enough for myself. I'm learning to speak to myself like someone I love. I'm learning how to be my own safe place.