Sarah Clark wanted to be married at 25 and kids by 28. When she went off the pill, which was falsely regulating her periods, they again became irregular and heavy. When visiting the doctor, she was told she had premature ovarian failure and the only way to have kids was to use donor eggs. She was given a brochure about IVF and sent to the clinic. Sarah talked about being naïve and did not go for a second opinion. She said I did not even grieve the news. I knew I had other options, I did not hesitate, I knew it was going to happen for us and luckily it did.

Since it has been about 20 years ago the whole process has changed from getting profiles of the donor in the mail to view profiles online. Sarah said questions I got were. Did you think you wouldn't' bond with the baby and did you worry they wouldn't look like you? She has learned a tremendous amount about her own health and now supports other couples navigate the tough infertility journey. Her company is very thorough with their testing and help couples in multiple countries. Take time to listen to the episode to hear all the different test that they have available to help you navigate the infertility journey.

Sarah's words of advice and encouragement: Dig deeper beyond the diagnosis. If told you have low AMH or high HSF, diminished ovarian reserve, premature ovarian defiance, or failure, look at other things going on in your body. Like me I had acne, sinus, yeast, and bladder infections. There were other things going on in my body. Do not focus just on the diagnosis. Do not think IVF is your only option. We spend 12-18 months preparing for a wedding and in 1 month we want to get pregnant. So, flip that around. I am not saying spend 18 months but see what else is going on in your body and yes get a second opinion. Listen to my podcast for a functional approach and take charge of your own health. We work with people that have food sensitivities, gut infections, hormonal imbalance, blood sugar issues, and thyroid stuff. Look beyond the conventional medicine.

Sarah's Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/get-pregnant-naturally-how-to-solve-your-infertility
Sarah's Website: https://fabfertile.com/

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Kelsey shares her story about not wanted to have children when her and her husband married but they were bitten by the baby bug. After several months of trying her sister-in-law announced she was pregnant with their 2nd. I was happy for them, but I thought why does she get 2 and I do not get any? Then the feelings of guilt came, I did want to be happy for them.

After a year of trying Kelsey became pregnant and then at 11 weeks they could not hear the heartbeat and within a few days she started bleeding. Another ultrasound was done to find that there was no baby, she had a blighted ovum. So there had not been a baby. The embryonic sac and placenta developed but the baby did not. I was missing a baby that I did not have and the negative sabotage would slap me in the face. How could I be missing something that was never there. Kelsey shared some great insight that a friend shared with her, it helped with the self sabotage she was putting on herself about grieving a baby that was never there.

Kelsey also said, but now we are going through this traumatic event and only 4 people know because we were not through the first trimester yet. How do you reach out for support?  How do you say you were not important enough to share our good news but your now important enough to share this sad news? I know that is not how it is but that is how I thought it would come across, so we grieved privately.  I hate the advice to not tell anyone until you are in your second trimester.

Kelsey's words of advice and encouragement:  Don't minimize how you are feeling just because it was an early loss, just because it was a blighted ovum, just because... do not use those words, just because it was this or I should not be grieving, I do not understand why I'm grieving. Women have told me that I do not understand why this hurts so much I was only 9 weeks pregnant. Do not minimize your grief, do not minimize the gravity of the situation like fully embrace how big this story was for you.

Go to a grief counselor, go to a grief therapist, go to a pastor, go to someone that can help you. It will follow you for the rest of your life either way, but I believe that working with someone teaches you coping skills and teaches you perspective and it is so important to be able to move on, to continue to thrive and live this life you were put here to do without just being crushed by grief every single day for the rest of your life.

Links to Kelsey's blogs she referenced: https://www.ignitenourishthrive.com/miscarriage-5-years-later/

https://www.ignitenourishthrive.com/m-is-for-miscarriage-2/

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Andy Karam and his wife experience a tremendous loss of their 2-year-old daughter Fee-Fee due to an accident and then while still grieving were surprised with another pregnancy only to loss that child also. Andy talked about how traumatizing it was to see baby Willow delivered at 14 weeks. She was so tiny, and it is something you cannot prepare for. He said he still sees those images when he thinks of her. We did take pictures of Willow and I remember thinking is this the right thing to do, is it appropriate and I thought I do not want to forget her or these moments.

Andy, now a grief coach shared his feelings and the emotions he felt during the early days of his grief. He talked about there being joy in everyday and at any minute of the day and that does not take away from the grief. Also, Andy said just because you are laughing does not mean that you are ok. It is ok to not be ok. He talked about a friend that always brings up Fee Fee and ask questions about her. She does not shy away from the topic and I told her I do not want her to ever stop asking about Fee Fee and it is NEVER off limits to talk about her.

Andy's words of advice and encouragement: Anyone that is grieving I would encourage you to just be honest and not necessarily honest to other people but to be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Crying is ok, feeling sad is ok, being angry is ok. There may be days you take 12 steps forward and then the next day you take 20 steps backwards. Find someone or something that gives you peace, that gives you hope and just keep going forward. To someone that knows someone that is grieving, encourage them, validate them, give them the safe place they need to ask questions and do not give advice, do not fix it. They DO NOT need to be fixed they need a safe space to share what they are going through and to let it out and to remember.

Connect with Andy via his website: https://www.coralgriefcoaching.com/

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Kristin had a very long journey down the infertility and loss road. Clomid, Letrozole, IUI, change of doctor, a multitude of test, IVF, and losses all along the way. When she got to IVF she said I'm scared about injecting all this into my body. What is it going to do to me? Is it going to work? Is it going to work for me? The unknown made me super emotional about injecting all those hormones in my body.

It was so hard to watch all my close friends get pregnant and none of them had trouble. I withdrew from them because I felt like it was always in my face. It was so hard to see pregnancy announcements and seeing the birth of their babies because I wanted that so badly. The hardest was my younger brother and his wife. I was angry and I felt guilty for feeling like that.

When you have had multiple losses, it is easier to feel like giving up because you just do not want to go through it again. Kristin is 18 weeks pregnant at the time of this recording. She said every thing is going well but she is still very scared.

Kristin's words of advice and encouragement: I want to encourage anyone that has struggled with infertility or has had loss to not lose hope. Be an advocate for yourself, make sure you are doing research. There are test that can be run to identify things that you might be struggling with. Stress is a big factor and this time I let go. Let go and Let God. Keep your mind busy with things if you are struggling. Find activities that are positive and uplifting, walks, yoga, coloring, anything that brings you joy to get your mind off of it because it is all consuming and that can stress you out and that does not help anything. Stay positive. God has different plans for everyone.

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Ann said I wanted a baby, and my body did not agree with that. She did a lot of research and one of the things she learned was how amazingly difficult it was to conceive. There are so many hormones involved and all those hormones must happen in a certain order for a certain amount of time and maybe, just maybe you conceive. She wondered what was wrong with her body and why could not it perform the basics of what the female body should do.

Ann talked about not wasting time with the wrong doctor that in her case discredited the research she had done. What an amazingly strong women she is especially when she talked to her husband and said if he wanted to have children and knowing it was possible, she could not have children, she gave him permission to leave the marriage. What an amazing husband, he gave her injections for 18 months.

Like many women she was very hurt by the words people said during the 4 long years trying to have a child. She talked about being mindful of the words that are said and the effect on someone that we have no idea of what is behind their face. Prayer was the most important part of her journey. Listen to her entire story to hear an amazing journey she had to have a beautiful family to love.

Ann's words of advice and encouragement: Always look forward because hope is ever present, look for the blessings in your journey be mindful of how your journey is changing you and helping you grow especially in your idea of what it means to be a mother, what it means to be a woman. Be aware of how the journey that you are currently facing is preparing you for the future. You have no idea what else lies before you both in joy and in challenge. The challenge of infertility is only one aspect of your current life, yet the experience is molding you in ways that impact every element of who you are meant to be so embrace it, seek peace, and have hope.

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Shannon started bleeding at 16 weeks pregnant and was told that she was probably having a miscarriage. She did not miscarry but was put on bedrest and continued to bleed for 10 more weeks. At 26 weeks her water broke, and pre-term labor started. When her sweet little baby boy was 3 days old, they were told that his organs were not developing and were given the option to keep him on the machines, but he would not have a life or to take him off the machines.

Shannon was 19 years old and it was a very hard decision to make at such a young age. The decision was made to turn off the machines and we held him until he passed. I was in complete shock, I totally shut down and blamed my husband. I was so scared and did not want to go through another pregnancy. The whole pregnancy was awful from severe morning sickness which ended up with hospital visits, the bleeding and then the loss. I had a really hard time with the grief and my family did not respect my time to grieve. I had to push them away so I could grieve the death of my son.

Shannon's words of advice and encouragement: You must do what is right for yourself and do not let people influence you. Seek out the right doctor and get a second opinions. Find people that are supportive when you are ready. Do what is right for you and do not let others talk you into things that you do not feel comfortable with.

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Barb and Jim spent 5 years on the infertility path and the journey was up and down for both of them. It was a very emotional time with questions like, Why us? Why not us? Why can't this happen for us? Barb said I knew God had a plan for us, but I did not get there immediately but I keep trusting.

A door opened for them to adopt an infant little boy which was the start of their beautiful family. Jim said, if we could be paid a $1.00 then for every time someone told us, now you can relax, and you will have your own baby. Barb said, it was hard to see and understand why others were getting pregnant, but it was not happening for us. You do all the things that the medical field has to offer to become pregnant and nothing happens. I still wonder what it would be like to be pregnant. What is it like to feel the baby move? What is it like to give birth? Of course, these are things that I will never experience, but it does not mean that I am not grateful for the journey we have had.

They have been able to comfort many others through their infertility journeys in their ministries. Barb has been able to minister and talk with birth mothers and specifically thank them for giving a child to someone who could not have one.

Barb and Jim's advice and encouragement: Jim said when we found out their infertility struggles could be because of him; he remembers talking to a friend and just crying. We were blessed that we had people to walk alongside of us and to be open with each other. Be open to others to talk about the stresses so that when you are walking this journey and are hurting deep inside yourself there are others with you. There is a blessing in other people who truly can share your hurt and struggle with your loss. Barb encourages parents that have lost their babies to find their voice and to talk about their babies and talk about their story. Sometimes people feel embarrassed that they cannot get pregnant, but it happens, and it happens more then you realize but the more you talk about it the more awareness there is. Do not give up and take advantage of all the medical help you have that is out there but, keep our mind and heart open to other ways to have a baby because there are children that need loving homes.

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The Journey from a vasectomy to IVF to being foster parents to embryo adoption to the family God had planned for us. Desiree and her family were all heart broken when a foster child was reunited with a birth family member, which they knew was the best for the child. They then decided to adopt a child and as they were talking to the adoption agency it was suggested that they consider an embryo adoption. Desiree said, I thought my uterus was retired but after looking into Snowflake Adoption, it felt right so they decided to move forward.

Desiree and Chris created a profile and before long they were matched with an adoptive family. They wanted to have things in common with the adoptive family like loving the outdoors, so the child felt like they belong. The adoption went through and before long Desiree was pregnant with a little boy. Their plan was to have 1 kiddo after adopting 3 embryos but at the time of this recording Desiree is pregnant with a second little one. She gives an amazing amount of detailed information about the process of embryo adoption during this episode.

Desiree's advice and encouragement for you the listeners.

One thing that is very clear to me, is that every single person was created for a purpose and life is about finding that purpose. I have seen people go down the infertility road and God has done amazing things in their journey. There is really no advice to give to make the journey easier, it is just hard but so worth it.

You are created for so much. There is a plan out there for you, so open your heart and mind for that plan and take your hands of the wheel and let God steer you to where you're supposed to go.

The agency that Desiree and Chris used:  https://nightlight.org/snowflakes-embryo-adoption-donation/

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Rachal said, we were healthy and ready to start our family. We had good jobs, a house, savings accounts, and we had even checked out daycares, but it was not happening. I was not sharing our struggles because I am a very private person but I had started to do some research and then decided to talk to a friend. People are placed in our life for a reason, she was the right person to get us connected to a fertility doctor.

We found support through a chat room the doctor’s office had set up. The group we found were all going through infertility struggles and started IVF at the same time. We were textbook but we were worried about sharing our good news because we did not know if everyone else had good news.

Even though it was years ago, the mindset, heartache and joy are all the same, but technology has changed for sure but the desire, love and heart break are the same.

Rachel's advice and encouragement:

Finding a good group of support is most important, family is great but connecting with other couples and women to be there for each other. Lean on them and that will be where your peace will be found. There is always hope and it happens when you least expect it. Keep all your options open and be ready for all the twist and turns it may take.

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All the plans I had for my son ended at a 35-week routine doctor’s appointment when we were told there was no heartbeat. Those were the hardest words I had ever heard. All the hopes and dreams of a son were gone. It was tuff to see my wife going through so much pain during labor knowing she was going to deliver our stillborn baby boy. It was damn hard.

I was thankful to the staff that helped us through the decisions that needed to be made. I cherish the pictures of our baby boy with 10 toes, 10 fingers, a nose, eyes and set of lips. It was not long, and we were pregnant again but at ended with a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was so heart broken and felt like a failure. We were both so scared to become pregnant again.

I keep our losses very close to my heart but when I did share about them, so many people wanted to come and wrap their arms around me. You learn that you have so many things in common, the same hurt, feeling of failure and the same struggles. I think that community of love is one of the best things we had.

Steve's Advice: If your loss is very fresh and raw or if it was 15 years ago. Lean on each other and do not give up on each other. Do not give up on yourself even if your partner, spouse, or best friend may not be showing grief in the same way you are, stick together. We both clammed up and we ended up divorced. That is one thing I wish we would have fought harder for. Try to be understanding of your partners feelings even if there not showing them.

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