Edge’s parents meet a terrible fate. Can ninjas walk through walls? We get a sweet new hovercraft grabber for our airship. Dwarves are incredibly generous and possibly don't know about lying. Who spilled all this lava and acid on the floor? Remy finds a new vocational calling. How did Leviathan and Asura meet? Why are these doors so mean? We do a little escapism. Stops at the Adamant Grotto, Eblan Castle, Cave of Summons, the Feymarch, Sylph Cave, Sealed Cave, and the swear zone 'cause we're not bleeping those cusses anymore. Sorry, cool babies.

This episode takes us from Troya to the Magnetic Cave to Mithril to Agart and, finally, straight into a battle between dwarf tanks and flying airships full of monsters. Luckily the only people who die are the ones closest to us with the most to live for. Aw heck.

You better not bring any of that metal crap into MY magnet cave, bro. Edward knows a song dark elves hate. Please stop feasting on my blood, Zubats. If I had a quarter for every time I ran into a high tech tower in this episode, I would have two quarters -- which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice in one episode. This episode’s swear jar, on the other hand, overflows.

At the beginning of this episode we describe the twins doing an act of heroic self-sacrifice in the last leg a la Minwu as a “Min-two” when “Twinwu” was right there and we're so mad at ourselves for not seeing it.

Rydia works through her aversion to fire. Mom Bomb blows up. Edward teaches us the power of music. We fail to protect a castle. A few children are lost – but only one of them has been eaten by a sea monster. Shiver me timbers!

Water vapor attacks! A ring commits war crimes. Cecil follows orders until he doesn’t. A dancer has something special to show us. A bug bogarts treasure medicine. Disney Princess powers are tested. Excrescence is collected. A fish person crashes Edward’s night time sad song sesh. We are all spoony bards on this blessed day. Hi, Brian.

Final Fantasy Legend II is hard. We liked it though. Let's take a trip across the multiverse to find our deadbeat dad. Then we'll compete in a dragon race, solve banana crimes, and beat up any deities that look at us sideways.

WARNING: DO NOT CONSUME MAGI. DO NOT PUT IN MOUTH.

Receipts

Interview referenced: https://shmuplations.com/saga2/ 

Banana facts: https://legendsoflocalization.com/articles/ffl2-opium-bananas/  

Pack your bags – we’re off on a Final Fantasy Adventure! Got enough keys? No, you don’t have enough keys. Bring more keys. Go back and get more keys. See the majestic and incredibly brief ocean! Enjoy a relaxing night staying at a discount Hotel Transylvania type situation where surely nothing fishy ever happens. Fight a monster that’s just a face. It’s just a face. That’s pretty creepy, right? Just a face? Also, how do magic trees reproduce? What are the Medusa contagion rules? Which character should Keanu Reeves play in a movie adaptation? None of that matters! You know what matters? Keys! Keys matter! You can never have enough! Stock up. I’m telling you! For real. Get so many keys. More keys than you think you need. Way more.

Mike & Remy play through the entirety of The Final Fantasy Legend, a Gameboy game that beats us up, gives us swirlies, and pushes us inside our lockers. We’ll learn to RTFM, discover the importance of a proper diet for monsters, and commit the podcast’s very first act of deicide. Will it be our last? Stay tuned. But probably no.

Mike & Remy set the controllers down and get literary AF. How many books and manga have been written about Final Fantasy I, II, and III? This many. All of these. We'll talk about all of them but especially Final Fantasy I * II * III: Memory of Heroes.

Books & Manga Covered

• Komikku-Ban Final Fantasy (Final Fantasy Comic Version), by Yuu Kaimeiji; manga, 12/1/1989, pub.: Takarajimasha, Inc.
• Final Fantasy II Shōri e no Tabidachi (Final Fantasy II: Journey to Victory), by Naoko Uehara; gamebook, pub.: 12/31/1988, Tokuma Shoten
• Final Fantasy II Muma no Meikyū (Final Fantasy II: Labyrinth of Nightmares), by Kenji Terada; novel, pub.: 4/1/1989, Kadokawa Shoten
• Final Fantasy II Shōgun Bōgen to no Shitō! (Final Fantasy II: Battle to the Death with General Borghen!), by Ryūji Kōsaku and Hiroyuki Fukuda; gamebook, pub.: 1/13/1988, Tairuku Shobō Publishing Co.
• Final Fantasy II Hihō no Doragon (Final Fantasy II: Dragon of the Hidden Treasure), by Naomi Inoue; gamebook, pub.: 12/1/1988, Futabasha Publishers Ltd.
• Yūkyū no Kaze Densetsu Final Fantasy III Yori (Legend of the Eternal Wind: from Final Fantasy III), by Kenji Terada and Yuu Kunitani; manga, pub.: 1991-1993, Kadokawa Shoten
• Final Fantasy I * I * III: Memory of Heroes, by Takashi Umemura; novella collection, pub.: 10/25/2012, Square Enix (JP); 8/18/2020, Yen On (EN)

Special music this episode

Monastery by Joseph R. Lilore (CC BY 4.0)

Let’s power through this Crystal Tower and finish Final Fantasy III. These final dungeons do go on a bit, don't they? Unei offers unsettling dream interpretation. Xande pulls a classic villain move. Force Ghost Doga returns to feed elderly men to dragons. We lose a fight with nasty weather and mash that snooze button on the cosmic alarm clock. Apologies to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Benny Hill "Yackety Sax" Style Alternative https://toolofgod.com/my-music/royalty-free-benny-hill-theme-style-alternative/

Onward to the Labyrinth of Ancients and Syrcus Tower! We fight a Titan made up of four Gastlies then touch another crystal and are imbued with exciting new vocational skills. Remy timeloops back to Eureka. Talking weapons are cool. The knight job is okay I guess. Does the ranger have wilderness survival skills or…?